July & August
2008-09-04
================== Kung Fu Panda (2008)
Great fun! An awesome childhood story. 9/10
================== The Happening (2008)
Heavy handed and preachy. Lame. Unintentionally funny. Suspenseful. All that being said, it is not bad. But it's far from good. 6/10
================== The Incredible Hulk (2008)
I loved how it took all of 2 minutes to spin the Hulk's origin story. Cheap and efficient. I loved when the score hit the Hulk TV show hook. I loved CG scenes didn't look nearly as cheap as they did in the trailer. Stan Lee's cameo needed a CG transformation scene in order to be complete. The best part of the movie for me was when Tim Roth super soldier was fighting the Hulk. His agility in those scenes reminded me of Deadpool. However, I wasn't really a fan of the Blonsky character. He was far too underdeveloped. And I think they over villainized Ross instead of just portraying him as a misguided dick. The Tony Stark ending should have come after the credits... The stronger part to "end" the movie was the zero days sequence. I loved the "Leader" sequel setup. This was good... not quite as good all around as Iron Man, but it's close. 9/10
================== Son of Rambow (2007)
Decent tale of friendship and imagination. I liked how the movie treated every single character, and payed them the proper respect of actually being developed. I was very surprised when the scarecrow made its appearance. At times I was somewhat reminded of Bridge to Terabithia. Overall, I really liked it. But it's not something I'd watch twice. 9/10
================== Wall-E (2008)
I had some questions about the motivation of humans to return to earth, how they'd deal with the massive storms, and things like the origin of Wall-E's sentience or his personality, like his collecting tendency. But these questions remaining I think, are good things. Great kids movie. Great grown-up movie. This is my favorite Pixar movie. 10/10
================== The Cable Guy (1996)
I've always loved this movie. I still do. It's a super awesome dark comedy. One of my favorite movies of the 1990's. 9/10
================== Hancock (2008)
I was fine with the movie leaving the origin issue to be explained by a few lines. I loved the ambiguity of the "We were built." thing. Be they robots designed by aliens, or be they angels designed by gods? It's a good question that I'm glad is left unanswered. But the climax of this movie, and it's villains are kinda lame. The tonal shift this movie undergoes halfway through is too much for me. All levity and comedy seemed to be beaten right out of it. It could have been a great movie, instead it's merely good. 8/10
================== Drowning Mona (2000)
Muder Mystery dark comedy, well written, and played by an excellent cast. 9/10
================== Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
Ugh. This movie has not grown on me. I still pretty much hate everything but the first 15 minutes. The second time they remade this movie was the better film. If they had taken the first 15 minute sequence of this movie, and replaced the first 15 minutes of the TCM: the beginning, together you'd have a seriously great remake. 6/10
================== Mimic (1997)
This is a fantastic Sci-Fi/Horror creature movie. It mixes genres so very well at first that you almost think you're watching a slasher film. It's got an excellent cast, a great director, and fucking SUPERB visual effects. This is absolutely without a doubt an underrated gem. 8/10
================== Young People Fucking (2008)
I pronounced "F*&king" as "Fucking" when I bought the tickets at the box office. First time I've ever seen a movie at a theatre with profanity in it's title. The movie was basically as it's name suggested. There was no full frontal nudity, and about an equal amount of men's butts as there were women's breasts. My date and I made a friendly bet before seeing the movie: I said there would be more males nude, she said more females would be nude. In the end we were tied. However, she claims to have won, since tits had slightly more screen time than the hairless male asses. The terms of the friendly bet were for the number of characters showing nudity, not number of instances or the total duration of the instances. Rule of Womanology: never leave anything open to interpretation or any 'wiggle room' when entering into any sort of bet with a woman. ;) Back to the movie: it wasn't porn; it was essentially 6 separate stories showcasing various levels and stages of human intimacy, all involving some level of intercourse. All things considered, it was no more risqué than any of the first 3 American Pie movies. Not great, but also not bad. 8/10
================== Intermission (2003)
Intermission is the story of a number of Irish characters played by big name irish actors, who's lives intermix and mingle in interesting ways, set to the loose backdrops of a cop and caper, and relationship dramas. It was pretty funny, well acted, and very entertaining. 8/10
================== Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D (2008)
I was so very excited for this... the "Real D", Disney Digital 3D is perhaps the best thing ever invented in the history of cinema. I had been excited for this movie release since last October, when I saw "The Nightmare Before Christmas" using the same 3D technology. Before that movie played the trailer for Journey 3D, and it caused me to shit my pants, figuratively speaking. The 3D was so real, and so well done, I vowed to myself all those months ago that I absolutely would see this movie. And we did. And, I must say, it was a terrible experience.
I'm not sure what is involved in calibrating the "real-D" 3D system, but everything in my left eye was doubled. And same with Jen. It made the 3D terribly poor looking, and made all other sequences hard to watch. I thought maybe it was because we were too close to the screen, so about 20 minutes into the movie Jen and I moved from near middle of the theatre to a slightly right of center, and a few rows in front of the last. Jen said it improved the situation slightly for her, but it was still terrible for me. This was nothing compared to the quality of Nightmare 3D. I ended up just covering my left eye for a large portion of the movie, and watched it as a regular, albeit a bit dim movie. So the 3D experience sucked, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't just me that thought so. I almost complained to get a refund... but my 8 months of anticipation and excitement thoroughly deflated, I was too disappointed and defeated to do so.
As for the movie itself, it was directed by a first time feature film director, who had only previously directed the short films for Disney theme park rides. The movie's "plot" played out almost exactly like 4 or 5 of those ride movies strung together. The characters in this three dimensional movie, were not even two-dimensional. But assuming that this was a freak instance of poor 3D, the movie actually succeeds at what it sets out to do: be a thrill ride aimed at children, with throwbacks and nods to the Jules Verne classic. It hits all the categories necessary for a film aimed at kids, but excels in precisely none of them. Wall-E this ain't. 5/10
================== Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)
Saw this the opening day, same as Journey 3D, right afterwards, at a theatre on about 5 blocks away from the first. Short review: The movie was awesome. Long review: It was fantastic and funny. It had great characters with development and depth. It's action sequences were stellar. The choreography, simply amazing. The pacing kept me enthralled throughout. It's multiple themes and socially conscious subtexts were thought provoking and even somewhat profound. And it was funny! It efficiently cut out the fat of it's predecessor while continuing character arcs established in the first, and was without a doubt, a sequel that met and surpassed the original in every category. I loved it. I have some minor quibbles about Hellboy's desire to be known by the world, but seeing as that theme was a continuation of the first movie, and that it actually played well to the villains motivation of wanting to punish the humans for not being capable of being happy with their station in life... it sorta worked. Another quibble would be that the soundtrack felt a bit too subtle for an Elfman score, let alone a superhero movie score... but nothing that was really a serious detriment to the movie. Above all, this is a visually stunning film, probably the best realization of a comic-book world I've seen to date. If you liked the first, this will not disappoint. 9/10
================== Wanted (2008)
Holy crap. I'm glad I saw this about a month after it came out. This movie is brutal. I've never read the comic at all, so the only thing I can think of in describing it's story, are comparisons to the Matrix. A magical loom that prints binary death notes? People with powers that "bend" the rules of physics? Hell, this could have been a matrix sequel. There were a couple twists I didn't see coming. But overall the plot was somewhat juvenile and ultimately predictable. I liked the fight-clubby nature of the first act, but after that, the voice over narration was uneven. It's gratuitous use of slow motion actually manages to work to great effect. The script could have used a bit of work in the 3rd act. Overall, this is very well made and entertaining popcorn that is not without it's flaws.8/10
================== Ferris Beuller's Day Off (1986)
I've always loved this movie, even if I've always shat it's insistence on continuously breaking the fourth wall. I still hate the part at the end where Ferris tells us to go home. But, overall I think the technique works well with the story to make Ferris feel like he is "our buddy", something that is consistent with the way every other character in the movie eventually feels toward him. This is a nice light 80's comedy. 10/10
================== Batman Gotham Knight (2008)
Some of the stories were interesting, and I liked the different takes on Batman. 8/10
================== Mad Max: Beyond the Thunderdome (1985)
Oh glorious trash. Worst of the Mad Max trilogy. Kind of really annoying at parts. But still fun to watch. 6/10
================== Batman: Dark Knight - 10/10 (2008)
================== Gonzo: The Life and Times of Hunter S. Thompson
Informative, but not as fun as "breakfast with".
================== Step Brothers (2008)
Step Brothers was marginally better than Blades of Glory and Semi-Pro. You will notice that pretty much every scene in Stepbrothers that is in the trailer has alternate dialog in the actual movie. The whole movie basically felt like second rate ad-lib'd dialog, not quite up to the caliber present in movies like Anchorman. So, if Anchorman is a 9/10, Walk Hard is 10/10, Blades of Glory is a 5/10, Semi-Pro a 6/10, and Talladega Nights is barely an 8/10, then that would put Step Brothers around an 8/10 as well. But, unlike Talladega Knights, I actually liked Step Brothers. Make no mistake, it's just as stupid if not more, and actors/characters don't play off each other quite as well... but as a story, it works. If you're at all Familiar with John C. Reilly or Will Farrell, you've seen everything this movie has to offer you, and more. If you're not, then you're better off just watching Walk Hard or Anchorman again. Step Brothers is not bad as a throwaway comedy to waste time on. 8/10
================== Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (2008)
It was a decent gross out horror comedy. Robert Englund has a fucking fantastic role. The movie had some fucking phenomenal traditional effects for the creatures. It's writing was a bit uninspired and I think it seriously could have used some nice one-liners... but as it stands it was really entertaining. It's a total B movie. Kind of a cross between Evil Dead and Slither. Recommended for monster movie lovers or B-movie connoisseurs. 8/10
================== Starship Troopers 3: Marauder (2008)
Bad to Medium special effects. Bad sets. Bad Soundtrack. Bad Acting. Bad dialogue... blunt force political/social commentary... but, surprisingly... a pretty good plot. It takes the universe established in the first and movie, builds on it, and moves it more towards the direction of the Starship Trooper books. It ignores all of the crap that happened in the second installment, which is good... but it seems to have forgotten a few of the things that happened in the first... which is bad. Despite it's many flaws, I was actually entertained by this movie. If Starship Troopers was a 9/10, Hero of the Federation a 3/10, then Marauder, is a 5/10.
================== Just Buried (2008)
This was borderline insufferable. I'm sure it was trying to be a dark comedy, combined with some sort of morality tale... but it fails badly at both. The acting is alright, in a distinctly and 'overtly canadian' sense, and there's a spark of something interesting in most of the characters present... but the movie doesn't really do anything interesting with them. From about halfway through, all the good shocks are used up, and the plot becomes very predictable. If there is any humor at all in, it comes off as a blacker than black comedy reminiscent of a cross between "So I Married an Axe Murderer" and something quirky like Drowning Mona", only not good like either of those. This movie's high point are a couple of pretty cool gore set pieces. But alas, too many words have been spent on this movie. It simply doesn't work, and it's not good. 6/10
================== The Ruins (2008)
It's a throwaway horror flick, pretty much what Roger Ebert would call your standard "dead teenager movie", encompassing all the cliches and archetypes that accompany that label... but it's better than the vast majority of movies that fit that description. I was actually sort of surprised by this one. It's straight up brutal survival horror... it has some super intense scenes, and is driven by an original monster/killer/antagonist. The acting is great, the film is beautifully shot and lit, and it is paced very well. It also has some pretty awesome special effects, both CGI and traditional. The bottom line is that it is genuinely creepy, and worth a watch IMO. 8/10
================== The Mummy 3: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008)
I liked the first entry to this series. About all I can remember of the second one was that it sucked, and it's loose spin off "The Scorpion King" was merely O.K. in a "I get a kick out of Conan-type movies" sort of way. Compared to the first, the Mummy 3 trades off memorability in it's characters for larger action sequences. Being the 3rd entry to this series, this is somewhat forgivable as most of the characters are already developed. The movie still suffers though as it seems as though they have less to do as characters and more to do as props, and this unfortunately also goes for the new characters introduced.
This movie knows what it is, and as such, carries with it a level of self awareness. There is even one scene where the new actress playing Evelyn addresses the audience, almost winking, and says "I'm an entirely different person", poking fun at the obvious point her character has been recast. It was cool seeing Jet Li as the Emperor, and as a villain. But that's really all he was, the villain. Unlike the first Mummy movie, where they treat the mummy as an actual character with identifiable motivations, the movie does very little to develop The Dragon Emperor as anything but the antagonist for the action set pieces. But Jet Li is good, he somehow makes the few scenes he was given work, his villainous sneers and smirks work well in portraying a one-dimensional popcorn villain... I felt the movie would have been much stronger if he had more screen time than his CG counterpart.
The martial arts and sword fighting sequences were filmed in a typically Hollywood style with far too many cuts and closeups. The action would have benefited from pulling the camera back a bit to see more of the action. There are a few points about the plot where you find yourself asking questions that simply can't be answered, but the movie's plot is the kind you're not supposed to think about, but instead are just supposed to sit back, relax, suspend your disbelief, and enjoy the ride. If you are able to do this, there are a few parts in the movie that will have you cheering. [hide]YETII![/hide]
It would have been a lot better if there were 15-20 minutes more character development and exposition, but that would have put the movie over the 2 hour mark, and it's pacing might have suffered, and it's box office definitely would have. As it is, the Mummy 3 hits it's mark as being mass market (barely) digestible popcorn. The movie's story plays as somewhat of a cross between Dragon Wars and Indiana Jones 4, and with respect to quality, it falls somewhere in between... although is admittedly closer to the Indiana Jones 4 end of the spectrum. The movie is what I would call "well made mediocrity". It managed to entertain me. If the Mummy 1 was 8/10, Dragon Wars: D-War was 5/10, Indiana Jones 4 was 6/10, then I would have to peg The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor at 6/10.
================== Baby Mama (2008)
It had a great cast, some interesting characters, and a relatively unpredictable story with a couple of original subplots. Some revelations in the last act were somewhat disturbing given the events of the first two acts, and I wasn't a fan of the Hollywood ending. I definitely wasn't the target audience, as I am not a 35 year old single woman with a ticking biological clock, but this was still a decent comedy. 8/10
================== You Don't Mess with the Zohan (2008)
Holy fuck what a bunch of shit. Why the fuck was John Tuturro in this? And co-written by Judd Apatow!? I am not exaggerating when I state that being in this movie was a bad career decision for Rob Schneider. I saw this in a grindhouse as part of a double feature, after Get Smart. I fought back the urge to walk out on this movie numerous times. The only reason I stayed at all is because of some OCD type sickness I have, whereby I simply must finish a movie once started, no matter how bad. This movie is FUCKING TERRIBLE. It's supremely juvenile, but it's not really a movie for children. Surely this movie can only appeal to morons and retards. In my opinion, it literally has nothing for anyone who doesn't fit that description, and I am someone who has generally been pleased by almost every Adam Sandler movie to date. All that being said, I think this movie really has a chance of ending the ongoing dispute between the Israelis and the Palestinians, in that if they all sit down and watch this movie together, they will quit trying to kill each other, and simply decide to kill THEMSELVES. 3/10
================== Get Smart (2008)
Funny, but mediocre. The plot was very cookie cutter, totally predictable, and there was no sense of urgency, despite the use of a "ticking clock" type plot device. The villains were never really fleshed out. If you weren't familiar with the series from the 60's, you'd have no clue who or what CONTROL and KAOS were. Steve Carrell was good as Maxwell Smart, but had zero chemistry with Anne Hathaway, who was also good, but was consequently was too young for this role. You really do need to be a fan of the original show for this to be watchable, there are just too many spots where you are left to fill in required blanks yourself. 6/10
================== Meet Dave (2008)
Eddie Murphy in Eddie Murphy in Meet Dave. What you've heard is true, yes this is an Eddie Murphy movie, and yes it is good. The special effects are really good. The plot is great Sci-Fi, in that it is both fantastical and contains a decent level of poignant and yet timeless social commentary. There was a bit of a problem for me in that certain plot details seemed left out, and the human characters weren't really fleshed out as much as they should have been. If the movie had been 10 minutes longer, it could have easily done both of those things. Meet Dave is entertaining, funny, and it contains a good moral. It reminded me of the quality of movies I watched as a kid, stuff like Short Circuit, Cocoon, and Inner Space, and at certain points I was reminded of modern stuff like Galaxy Quest... Meet Dave is highly enjoyable light sci-fi comedy. 8/10
================== Pineapple Express (2008)
Stoner buddy comedy for the first two thirds comedy action for the last. The funnest parts of the movie are the pot heads doing pot head things, like being paranoid, acting on dumb ideas, and making observations about everyday things. Watching their paranoia and their pothead ingenuity actually pay off was great. The best parts of the movie however were the Rogen and Franco banter. To me, the movie felt like a cross between Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny, and Hot Fuzz, and was on par with both those movies. 8/10
================== Lost Boys 2: The Tribe (2008)
What a piece of shit. Pretty good gore... but overused. Terrible acting. Stupid plot. Bad music. Bad lighting. Bad editing. All of the best lines in this movie are Feldman aping his performance and dialog from 20 years ago. The "second ending" to this movie, proposes in my mind what would have been an infinitely better movie. In between this garbage movie and the original decent film, what happened with Sam and what happened to Alan Frog? The answers to these simple questions are a better script than the one this movie used. 4/10
================== Tropic Thunder (2008)
As good as Jack Black was... he was the weakest link IMO. Robert Downey Jr. was fantastic. Practically every character had an arc and something to overcome. The parody of actors, agents, directors, and producers, and the film industry was perfect. And the scenes mocking Platoon and Apocalypse Now were also fucking phenomenal. The great cameos also helped. Everything about this movie was top notch. I'd personally give it a 9/10.
================== The Wackness (2008)
The movie is well made and has an indie ennui feeling theme to it... which is code for it being pretty boring. It's well made, but I did not like it. It's essentially two coming of age tales overlapped. One man reaching adulthood, and another reaching old age. I don't think this movie knew what it wanted to be, a comedy or a drama. It didn't quite succeed at either. I'm assuming it's based on a true story, because otherwise it's just pointless as a 1990's period piece, in which the plot can weave ever-so-important references to lame 90's rap. For no particular reason at all, during this movie I had the impulse to instead be watching "Hackers". I would advise anyone else considering watching "the Wackness", to do that instead. 8/10
================== Felon (2008)
Stephen Dorff goes to prison. This was a pretty decent story about how the judicial system and penal system screws one man. It's also about corruption and evil of outwardly ordinary men. It's got Val Kilmer with a terrible fake Goatee... but he plays a pretty awesome prison bad-ass and is nigh-unrecognizable. The movie is low budget and it shows, but it's story keeps you entertained. There are much better prison movies out there, Cool Hand Luke, An Innocent Man, Story of Ricky, Shawshank, Lock Up, Death Warrant, In Hell, to name a few... but if you've already seen those and still want to get your prison fix, give this one a go. 6/10
================== Big Stan (2007)
Rob Schneider goes to prison. But unlike Stephen Dorff in Felon, he has 6 months to train himself to be an invincible martial artist. The movie is juvenile and predictable, and the bulk of the 'comedy' comes from prison rape and gay jokes. There is an easy way to make a prison comedy, all one has to do to look for inspiration is watch any one of the movies listed in my Felon review. This movie did not seem to do that. Some of the fighting scenes were very well done, others, not so much. Somehow both David Caradine and Jennifer Morrison (Cameron on HouseM.D.) agreed to be in this, and while it might have been good for some quick money, it certainly won't be something they'll be wanting on their resumes. But, the movie isn't all bad, it's better than crap like "Meet the Zohan" and "The Love Guru"... but not by much. If you're looking for a prison comedy, watch "Let's Go To Prison" instead. 4/10
================== The X Files: I Want to Believe (2008)
I wanted to like this... but it's story would barely make a good 45 minute episode, let alone an acceptable story for a feature length movie. Aside from being too "small" in scope compared to the stake of the first movie, this movie has a few other problems. Namely bad supporting characters, underdeveloped almost non-existant villains, and superficial attempts at unsettling the viewer by killing off characters (which might have worked out positively, had the characters been sufficiently developed enough to have ANY emotional attachment). The whole sub-plot involving Scully's loss of faith was dramatically vacant. While I'm sure some people might like where this takes Mulder and Scully... in my opinion this movie ruins a whole lot of what the series built up. The best part of this movie is Billy Connelly's character, it's a shame everything else about this movie was so utterly mediocre. 6/10
================== Mirrors (2008)
I'm not generally a fan of ghost stories, and this is no an exception to that. At times in his performance, Kiefer appears to be channeling Keanu. This movie is very formulaic, and strikes me as entirely too "the ring"-like. It has one great gore scene, and a lot of bad CG. Theres no real explanation given as to why the things that are happening are happening... not that that is a requirement or anything... but unlike movies like Ghostbusters & the Frighteners, this movie seems to invent it's own rules and not really set any boundaries as to what can and can't happen in the movie universe. It simply doesn't work as well as Poltergeist, because it's totally gimmicky, and yet it seemingly breaks it's own gimmicky rules multiple times. There are a few jump scares scattered approximately every 15 minutes throughout the movie's run time, a lot of cleavage shots, a wet t-shirt, amy smart's naked ass, a nunduction, a couple grizzly deaths, and a pretty creepy soundtrack... but the movie is not good. 6/10
================== Young Einstein (1988)
I loved this movie as a kid... but watching it now, it was really fucking hard to get through. For those who aren't familiar with Yahoo Serious, he's somewhat like the Australian Carrot Top in appearance, but has managed to make somewhat wholesome adventure comedies. His latest movie "Mr. Accident" is actually a fairly well done film. In Young Einstein, Mr. Serious portrays a young Tasmanian Albert Einstein, who while trying to patent his process for creating bubbles in beer (by splitting the beer atom), discovers rock music, relativity, surfing, and bangs Marie Curie. The movie is aparently intentionally historically innacurate. It has numerous characters with the namesake of famous scientists... making you think maybe this is something other than a lame brained comedy... but that's what it is. It's really freaking dumb... but I loved it as a child. 4/10
================== Independence Day (1996)
This is fantastic. It's got a great cast of characters. I found the special effects to be really fucking good, despite using old technology. It stands as and example of the height of that particular type of special effect. I think if they had opted to use more CG effects, the movie might not have aged as well.
There are quite a few funny lines. For example, the president, played by Bill Pulman, while looking at 3 dead aliens suspended in formadehyde, places his hand on his chin and thoughtfully declares "hmmm... organic life forms." Then, right as you're thinking "this president seems to be an intelligent fellow..." he follows up with "...BUT CAN THEY BE KILLED?". Soooo very unintentionally funny. A line like that more fitting to a movie like Mars Attacks.
As funny as the writing may be, Independence Day is not well written. It does however succeed strictly in the boombastic, big, dumb, popcorn, B-movie sense. It's a fantastic disaster movie, second only to Armageddon(8/10). It's cinematic kin, movies like Godzilla 1998(6/10), and The Day after Tomorrow(5/10)... do not quite make it to this level of entertainment. Sure, it's not as imaginative or intelligent as any number of other B-movies, and you're not supposed to think too hard about the possibility of things like uploading a virus to an alien computer system... But if you overlook the many things like that, this can be a supremely entertaining movie. Like so many movies, if only it's script had been of a higher caliber, it might have actually been a truly great film; instead it is merely good. 8/10
================== One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
The movie plays out as a the madcap adventures of a gang of mental patients. Filled with great quirky performances from excellent character actors, and generally creepy off-kilter dudes... b level stars such as, Danny Devito, Christopher Llyod, Brad Dourif, Vincent Schiavelli, and Michael Berryman, all led by an enthusiastic Jack Nicholson. The bulk of the movie is comedy... but overall it's a severely depressing parable about defeat and the futility of combating the establishment. I could go deeper into the movie, but anything I write would just be spoiler. It's a shame it took me so long to get around to this movie... if I had seen it sooner, while watching it, I wouldn't have had to mentally compare it to things like "The Dream Team (1989)" or "Girl Interrupted (1999)". Ultimately, the movie made me sad, but it is really pretty great. 9/10
================== The Mask (1994)
The effects stand the test of time, mostly because they are cartoony, but also because they are not overused. The movie is funny, has a pretty good cast of characters, and is paced very well. The Mask is really the ultimate outlet for a comedic actor like Jim Carey to show off all his talents... he played both the Mask and Stanley Ipkiss parts perfectly. The Mask is a great comic book movie. I loved this movie as a kid, and I love it now. 8/10
================== Postal (2007)
Uwe Boll's best Movie. Better than You Don't Mess with the Zohan. Neither of those statements are saying particularly much, but to say the least, this movie is actually worth watching. Postal is essentially an absurdist farce comprised of characters designed to be caricatures of the worst parts of humanity. Assuming this was not some cosmic coincidence whereby Uwe Boll managed to write and direct a movie that actually entertains it's alleged target audience, I feel confident in saying that this movie actually hit's it's mark. Knowing the spirit and tone of the source material, this is actually a pretty decent video game adaptation. The movie is essentially a Bollian journey into Tromaville territory: from the crass socio-political commentary, through the excessive violence, coarse language, gratuitous full frontal Dave Foley nudity, right down to the self deprecating director cameo. It's intentionally offensive to everyone. Despite itself, on some level this movie works. It's weird that I seem to only have good things to say about this movie, seeing as it is not a good movie... but, dare I say, it's not bad either. 5/10
================== Network (1976)
Network my not be "scary" or "supernatural", but I contend it is most definitely a Horror movie. I love this movie. It's both topical (at the time) and truly prophetic. I mean, christ, it predicted reality TV all the way back in 1975. It saw it all coming. Everything becoming trivial, desensitization, people becoming zombies, a nation crippled by apathy, neutered by conditioning to feel small and insignificant, impotent; incapable of true anger or outrage. Sheep. The irony and ambiguity of the ending: were they yelling because they were sheep, or because they actually were angry? Was Beale successful in conveying his message, or was he manipulated into being yet another tool of the ratings machine? Network is depressing as all hell. Truly ahead of it's time. Network is everything a movie should be. 9/10
================== Babylon A.D. (2008)
Excluding the opening narration (which takes away a lot of the tension of the first 2 acts of the movie) the first 15 minutes of this movie made me think I might be about to experience a decent movie. From the part where you see a camo-covered figure trekking through heavy rain in some impoverished apocalyptic marketplace... through to our hero's dilapidated place of residence: The cinematography, the lighting, the coloring, the set design, and the soundtrack seemed to fit quite well. The world that was established in those opening minutes was interesting and immersive. The last hour and 20 minutes was only successful in undoing everything those first 15 minutes promised. It The mess that followed made me hate this movie. It reminded me of how bad an actor Vin Deseil can be. It also reminded me of quite a few much better movies: most notably Children of Men, and maybe a bit of the 5th Element thrown in for good measure.
There are entire sequences which are terrible. From a terribly edited brawl in some sort of factory/night club. A clumsily crafted "dramatic" scene involving refugees and a submarine. And including a day-night cycling above the arctic circle, and a snowmobile chase sequence that would be more at home in some future "triple x" sequel. Not to mention one of the worst gun fights ever. The lacking quality of the action sequences aside, the movie actually plants the seeds for some interesting concepts and employs a lot of elements with practically infinite potential with regard to story... but then does next to nothing with them. The last act of the movie (once it catches up to the stupid opening narration) is disjointed and doesn't really make a lot of sense. The religious themes are seemingly abandoned, and the science is never explained. You don't get an idea of who (or what) the villain really is, and there is no satisfactory resolution, or explanation of how anything was resolved at the end. We are treated to a super duper happy ending though... thanks for that hollywood. I'm not sure if this would be better with 30-45 minutes or so added to it to explain just what the fuck it was all about, or if it would just be a bigger waste of time. 5/10
================== Death Race (2008)
I went into Death Race not expecting much. It's trailer didn't leave me with much hope. Sure it's a remake, and sure it's directed by Paul W.S. Anderson, but he actually managed to hit some of the right notes... almost none of those good notes were directly related to the original film. The movie works fairly well as a video game adaptation, in that there's a lot of elements from modern race & car battle games (which of course were all ultimately inspired by elements in the original movie).
The action in the movie is pretty well shot and edited... aside from being filmed and presented in a higher framerate, I doubt there could be much improvement. The CG and pyro effects are pretty good, and the action sequences are thoroughly engrossing and well paced. There are a couple token "slow-mo music video tight clothing type money shots", seemingly inserted to appease the "2fast2furious" demographic, but it actually does fit well within the established framework of "wanting higher ratings". The actors all play their characters and caricatures perfectly. The techno-industrial soundtrack(very very much like the resident evil movies) actually fits with the dingy, dirty, blue tinted world that is presented to us to bask in for the bulk of the film.
There's some loose social commentary, which is oddly conflicted in that it involves successful corporations operating in a failed economy that includes a ballooning lower class and unemployment rate, and yet is still prosperous enough that there still exist hundreds of millions of people willing to spend money on pay per view and streaming death match entertainment. But none of that really matters. This is a revenge movie. There is a hero, his friends, a villain, some henchmen, and an ultimate showdown between the forces of good and evil.
There's a reference to the original film in the movie's intro, involving what I assume was the voice of David Carradine, reprising his character from the first movie, although this is uncredited on imdb. All things considered, this is a well made film. It's a remake that does not retread the original, but instead introduces and builds upon it's own themes. With a little work on the script, filling up some of the plot holes, and some better character writing, this could have been perfect. Assuming there could ever be a 10/10 movie made about a "death race" the original scores a 6/10, and this attempt scores an 8/10.
================== Clue (1985)
For the movie adaptation of a game primarily played by kids, it's certainly not for kids. The movie's comedy was fairly well written, a lot of dry, droll, and bawdy humor. There's a lot of repetition of jokes, and some very fast moving witty repartee. Clue in addition to being an faithful adaptation is a pretty successful parody of movie mysteries; the multiple endings, ensuring no one can really solve it, (aside from the writers that dreamed it up) was the perfect way to cap off that concept. The cast is perfect. The entire time I was watching this, I thought that Miss Scarlet was played by Susan Sarandon. I thought she looked a little strange, but I attributed it to it being made 1980's, when most actors were high on cocaine 24/7. The presence of Tim Curry kinda made me think that it was her too, plus the fact I was distracted by the french maid's cleavage, might have been a contributing factor. Turns out it Scarlet wasn't played by a coked out Sarandon, and was instead played by Leslie Ann Warren. Overall, this is a really fun movie, reminding me of some of the great murder mysteries, as well as some of the great farces. Could have used a bit less repetition of jokes like the crap on the shoe, and a couple more exchanges like the one between Wadsworth and Col. Mustard, wherein Mustard is plainly asking for a yes or no answer to an "or" question; a little bit more care towards the writing and it would be perfect. 9/10.
================== Fright Night 2 (1988)
Ugh. The first one had suspense, environment, great acting and great effects. This one, while even sharing 2 of the same actors, is a complete piece of shit. I'm assuming it was made purely as a cash in on the popularity of the first movie... and it shows. No wonder there was no part 3. The high point of this movie is the comical performance of Jon Gries, who played similar comedic roles in a few other classic 80's B movies, Joysticks, Terrorvision, Real Genius, & Monster Squad. Also notable is the presence of another great B movie star, Brian Thompson as a bug eating ghoul. But other than that, this movie is a lame follow up to the first film. 4/10
================== Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990)
This is one of those rare sequels that is on par with the first movie in the series. However, Gremlins 2: The New Batch manages to reach parity predecessor by essentially being a parody of it. It's not uncommon for a sequel to a Horror-Comedy to play up the lighter comedy elements, and end up being a Comedy-Horror. For one reason or another a lot of sequels of 80's movies went in that direction, but only a few were successful. A couple of notable failures IMO are House 2, and Return of the Living Dead 2. Of the well done ones: two that come to mind are Evil Dead 2, and Gremlins 2.
Gremlins 2 pokes fun at the original movie and it's illogical rules, and brings the gremlin gags present in the first movie up to an exponential level. The actors in the movie reprising their roles from the first film play their roles in the same exact straight manner that they did in the first more "serious" movie... to great effect. There are a lot of throwbacks to the original, including Phoebe Cate's character's darkly depressing nostalgic rant. The new characters in the movie are decidedly more campy, but they convey depth, and don't fall into cliches; I was particularly a fan of mega-corporation CEO Daniel Clamp(played by the awesome John Glover), clearly a riff on Donald Trump. The movie could have easily set him up to be a villain, but instead ends up playing him off as a positivist opportunistic enterprising hero of sorts.
The movie reflects a lot of themes present in movies of the era, and is even a bit ahead of it's time on some notes... There is social commentary about the fear of genetic engineering, rampant consumerism, corporatization, capitalism, and conformity. The soundtrack is frikkin awesome, conveying the light comedy quite well, employing numerous motifs and comedic variations upon them... a particularly good example is the merging of the Rambo theme with the Gremlin's theme. The movie is littered with cartoon sound effects, all of which helps a viewer who might not be as receptive to it's brand of gag comedy to interpret everything in the "saturday morning cartoon" state of mind. The movie makes use of a lot of other Warner Brothers properties in some of the gremlins gags, and as long as you're not expecting a movie in the same tone as the first, or are open to the decidedly wackier gags, this movie will not disappoint. 8/10
================== The Intruder Within (1981)
I can't believe I watched this in it's entirety. I recently came into possession of a fairly large library of VHS movies, this one seemed to have a cool looking cover, so I decided to watch it based on that. Big mistake. Essentially, this is a made for TV Alien ripoff... It is terrible by almost every conceivable metric... it's actually got some pretty good b level acting in it, unfortunately its filmed and constructed to have fades for commercial breaks, and the main creature effects are without a doubt, some of the worst I've ever seen. Watch Leviathan (1989), watch Deep Star Six (1989), watch Unearthed (2007)... watch any other alien rip off.... but don't ever watch this. 2/10
================== The Promotion (2008)
This is one of those indie feeling movies where most of the characters are retarded in some way, giving rise to odd situations and quirky plots. This one is about two grocery store Assistant Managers competing to become the head manager of a new grocery store, while simultaneously battling their own inner demons.The part of protagonist is played by Sean William Scott, and his antagonist is John C. Reilly. The supporting cast was also good, notably Fred Armisten, Gil Bellows and Jenna Fischer... but I feel the movie would have been stronger were they each given a bit more screen time, or played a bigger part in the events of the movie. Being a Canadian, the thing I ended up liking most about the movie was John C. Rielly's comedic "Canadian" accent. The Promotion is light comedic fare. It's written a bit low key attempting to play more toward the drama angle. Overall, it's not a bad movie... but there are much more inspired comedies out there to watch. 8/10
================== Rogue (2007)
Giant Crocodile Movie. Directed by Greg Maclean, the guy who directed Wolf Creek. Suffers a bit from the same problem Wolf Creek had... pacing. The movie is very slow to start. If the movie had been at all successful in building tension or characters during this time, it might be forgivable, but it didn't. The first 40 minutes of the movie is dedicated solely to superficial character introductions and showing off the landscape and scenic vistas of the Australian outback. This detriment to pacing is however a showcase of amazingly beautiful nature footage... From the wildlife to the sweeping helicopter flyovers... the smoothness and lighting of the crisp vibrant digital video reminded me of those ultra high quality "planet earth" documentaries. The cinematography is that good.
Despite the movie taking so much time at the beginning with the characters, it doesn't really develop them much. We don't really get a feel for who our protagonist is, and we only really see glimpses into the lives of the people we're supposed to care about later on in the film. Our hero is basically a generic guy, and he doesn't even really have that many lines in the film. I'm not going to harp too much on character quibbles, although it would have been nice if there had been a bit more there. This is a giant creature movie... the real star is the special effects and the intimidating beast. And what a star it is. The Croc in this movie... when it finally makes it's full appearance... is very impressive. It looks absolutely fantastic. It was genuinely amazing how real it looked.
The movie has a bit of a problem with some lines delivered by characters standing out as being too clearly foreshadowing, which in turn means the movie ends up being predictable. And the soundtrack was entirely too generic... and at times annoying. You've got the Australian visuals... now let me fucking hear some of the sounds of and styles of Australia and it's outback... I'm not necessarily asking for a didgeridoo or anything... just something more than the generic crap score we were given. The biggest problem though is that the movie could have used a bit less time leading up to getting stranded, and a bit more time actually being stranded... being menaced... being picked off 1 by 1. All that being said, the climax is pretty satisfying, and as far as big creature movies go, this is definitely worth watching in that respect, but it's probably best to avoid it for any other reason. 6/10
================== Total Recall (1990)
I love this movie. I've seen it like 50 times. I can quote it in it's entirety. It's fucking great. Why don't they make movies like this anymore?!? 9/10
posted by pureevilmatt @ 00:59,
