Think Horror

================== Mini's First Time (2008)
Essentially, Mini's First Time is about a young girl finding her place in the world as a heartless sociopath. Something that I imagine quite a few women might identify with. Jeff Goldblum puts in an appearance, basically playing himself, and Alek Baldwin puts in a decent performance as a character that seems to be punished for no apparent reason. The main character, Mini, played by Nikki Reed, is annoying, and on top of that, has annoying and pointless narration, as well as being acted poorly, which itself is another level of annoyance. The star performance of the movie is Carrie-Anne Moss, who plays the character of Mini's mother, a social ladder climbing marry-for-money, alcoholic socialite. Luke Wilson makes an appearance... but is utterly forgettable. The movie gives you zero characters to identify with, and even kinda has a moment at the end where the main character breaks the fourth wall and directly addresses the audience acknowledging as much. As far as a misanthropic dark comedy Ferris-Beuller-Lolita-type movie goes.. there are attempts at comedy, and is successful on occasion... but it fails as entertainment. 6/10

================== TerrorVision (1986)
Fantastic Sci-Fi/Horror/Comedy. TerrorVision is about your typical upper-middle class white suburban 1980's Californian family, being terrorized by an inter-galactic monster, that exists in states of either pure energy or as a massive slimy corporeal beast, possessing a limitless appetite. The parents in the family are swingers, the son is a pill popping neurotic, the daughter is a punk-rock tiffany-esque valley girl, the grandpa is a conspiracy theory toting military freak, and every single other character in the movie is interestingly odd in some way or another. The monster in the movie is not unlike the monster from "the thing" in that after taking a victim, it can assume it's identity... creating some very interesting comedic scenarios. Along with Night of the Creeps and Return of the Living Dead, TerrorVision is one of my favorite childhood horror movies. It's got a great soundtrack, and a fantastic look conveying quite successfully the dayglo excesses of the 1980's. As a child, I wanted to live in the set used for the house in the movie. This is fantastic 80's sci-fi camp, and overall just a very fun movie. 8/10

================== Flesh+Blood (1985)
This movie is utterly deplorable in that it unflinchingly displays naked all the worst traits of humanity, inside and out. Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Anger, Envy, Pride. And numerous other deadly sins. A lot of it is glorified, in that it is shown without consequence. And that's exactly what makes it great. Rape. Prostitution. Superstition. Sadism. Religion. Murder. Betrayal. Torture. Gore. Biological warfare. All brought to you, courtesy your friendly neighborhood Paul Fucking Verhoeven. This movie strikes me as one of the truer depictions of the middle ages. In typical Verhoeven fashion, the movie is brutal and gory as hell. At times doesn't seem to take itself quite seriously, but it's story is one of the most original I've ever seen put to film... The movie is unpredictable. It is structured in a completely non-standard fashion and yet, it is thoroughly engrossing throughout. 6/10

================== Superhero Movie (2008)
Okay. Here's why I decided to watch this, despite every fiber of my being screaming not to. (1), I recently learned that it's directed by Craig Mazin, who's only other director credit is "The Specials": a superhero parody movie that I actually liked quite a lot. (2), it -appears- to have a pretty decent cast compared to most other recent "parody" "movies" (meet the spartans, disaster movie, epic movie, etc.) But, unfortunately not even decent B grade actors can save this, and Craig Mazin's writing, if you can call it that, is not nearly in the same league as James Gunn (writer of The Specials). Essentially, Superhero Movie IS Spider-Man 1&2. The movie has an excessive amount of the "hero" getting hit in the head being pawned off as slapstick, and an excessive amount of fart jokes being pawned off as comedy. It has some of the lamest sight gags and puns imaginable, but these would actually fit sorta well... if this were of the quality of the Naked Gun or Airplane. But it's not. It barely has a story line, and relies entirely too much on aping entire scenes from the first 2 Spiderman movies. There's a 2 girls 1 cup reference, that is actually sorta funny, but thankfully, there's very little other "internet meme" type stuff present. As for the superhero movie parody parts: there's a little bit of Bruce Wayne's Batman origin thrown in... and a professor x makes an inexplicable appearance... you see wolverine shaving his legs with his claws... and 2 members of the fantastic 4... being fantastic. But very little of this is actually funny, or entertaining. The movie feels long, and it's barely 75 minutes. You're much better off watching The Specials, any or all of the Spiderman movies with the accompanying Mike Nelson & crew Rifftrack. 4/10

================= Repo Man (1984)
I love this movie, not because it's great(it is merely good), but because it feels like it's much more than it is. In Night of the Living Dead, the radio broadcasts drop just enough information to give you a general sense of dread, but never really tell you anything. In Repo Man, the world the movie depicts, the clues it drops, the exchanges of dialog, the reports on the radio/television, things written on the walls, and happening in the background... all serve a similar purpose. A casual viewer might think that not a lot of thought went into the movie... but upon repeated viewings, these details in the background pop out, and the movie takes on all new dimensions. More than any other movie I can think of, in Repo Man, it's the things that the movie doesn't focus on that makes it so damn compelling.

I like this movie not for what it has to say, but for what I think it might be trying to tell me. While watching the movie, and I've seen it many many times, I always get the feeling that I might not be paying close enough attention, or that maybe I'm just not smart enough to figure out exactly what's going on. I mean, yes, I can see the plot, but the narrative linking it all together is sparse and misleading, and at times downright nonsensical... or is it? Sure one can describe what happens in this movie... but few can tell you what it's really about. What is the connection of the Repo-man's code to Issac Asimov's Laws of Robotics? What does city controller Harry Pace have to do with the plot? What is the movie's social commentary, if any? What is the movie's connection to Scientology? Why do I suddenly want to watch "Dude, Where's my Car?"? What is the significance of the generic foodstuffs, or the pine-tree car air-fresheners? Is all the questions this movie generates intended, or is it simply a side effect of it being a snapshot of a nihilistic punk youth philosophy flavored by an affinity for b-movie popcorn science fiction?

Repo Man has a great soundtrack that really augments the desolate citys and sets used in the movie. It's a comedy catering to a very specific brand of humor, that in my experience, not many people possess. The characters and acting are laughable. The dialogue consists mostly of one-liners and ranting monologues, but is littered with great lines. Repo Man is incredibly unconventional, so it'll probably fail a general audience... but the movie is pretty rewarding for those with a taste for films that don't subscribe to common movie formulas. It's one of those movies that doesn't have many clear influences, and yet influences a great many more works to varying degrees of quality... like Pulp Fiction or the aforementioned Dude Where's My Car? to name a few. Eyes Melt. Skin Explodes. Everybody dead. I blame society. Repo Man: 8/10


================= Son of the Mask (2005)
This is on the IMDb bottom 100, and has been since it came out. That's quite the task. Being a huge fan of the original movie adaptation, and a movie masochist, I had to see just how bad this was first hand. After watching it, and taking into context the tone and demographic of the original, I can safely say that this movie is a prime example of a movie that does not know, at all, who it's audience is. It caters more toward the shitty saturday morning cartoon version than it does to the first movie, and yet it's tone isn't exactly for children.

The set-up is your standard adult comedic melodrama: a guy doesn't want a baby, his girl does, so course they end up with a baby. But, then there's the saturday morning cartoon plot: the baby was conceived while the mask was being worn... so this will be no ordinary baby. And then, the dog gets jealous of the new baby, so it repeatedly tries to kill it. The baby is smarter than the dad, so it starts to try to drive him insane. But, wait, there's more. There's a malevloent god searching for the mask, and the baby, and he MUST BE STOPPED, but not before our lamewad hero saves his family and his job! Pretty basic stuff. It might have worked for children, except that the entire first half hour has nothing for kids, and later on in the film, after the cartoon stuff starts, there are numerous scenes with Jaime Kennedy screaming at a baby, and one where he beats the crap out of his wife. The man couldn't act his way out of a paper bag... and is definitely no Jim Carey.

The only acting high point in this movie would be Alan Cumming, but he only succeeds in hamming it up with what little the script gave him. The movie also breaks the rule that the first movie established about the mask only working at night. About the only well done aspect of this movie was the CG, but that was overused. For the amount of CG in this movie, they should have just made the whole thing CG. And the climax is absolutely terrible. There are so many reasons why this movie doesn't work. Son of the Mask might have been good, but it really suffered far too much from trying to cater to everyone, instead of just trying to be a decent movie. 3/10

================= Burn After Reading (2008)
This was a fun movie. Very well made, it has a great cast who all turn in great performances. The movie serves as a showcase of some of the worst parts of humanity, You've got characters covering facets of vapidity, vanity, callousness, cowardice, bitchiness, loneliness, lovelessness, and surliness... but most notably, and apparently common to all characters depicted in the film: is stupidity. The plot in the movie comes together seemingly by comedic coincidence in more than a few points. As the movie builds and more plot connections are made, a certain feeling of intense dread and paranoia is successfully portrayed. By the time it's over, some characters get what's coming to them, others get what they always wanted, and even more get the short end of the stick, which, were it not for their stupidity as characters, might make you feel a bit sorry for the outcomes. I'm not sure why, but all throughout the movie, I found myself not quite searching for, but instead anticipating any semblance of political commentary... but I found none. The moral here, if any, is quite simply, to not to be an idiot. The way it's written, and how everything comes together in the end isn't quite as entertaining as The Big Lebowski, but it's fun nonetheless. Throughout the course of the movie, John Malkovich's character must have exclaimed "What the Fuck!?" at least 10 times. Combined with the closing comments by J.K. Simmons' character, that sentiment successfully sums up what I gather we are to take away from watching this film. WTF indeed. 8/10

================= The Savages (2008)
This is a drama with subtle elements of dark comedy. It's about a loose knit family that had grown apart, that is forced to come together to deal with the declining state of a dementia afflicted parent, which although the primary drama of the film, also serves as a backdrop for the main characters dealing with their lives which haven't lived up to their expectations. It's a depressing tale of middle age. It's about defeat. It is well acted all around, and it's story is largely without climax. I can't imagine anyone feeling uplifted by this movie in any way... despite it's attempts at a somewhat uplifting ending. The acting is a little shy of "oscar-bait" at some parts... but other than that, this is a well made film. It may appeal to you more if you've ever had to put a relative into an old age home... but be warned that if it appeals to you more, it might just make you even more depressed than it made me, someone who has never had to do that. 8/10

================= Smart People (2008)
Smart People? Not really. I suppose that's the point. I'm not really sure what this movie is about. Every character has somewhat of a hurdle to overcome... but I didn't at any point find myself interested in any of them. Add this to the list of slightly plotless melodrama... with characters far too witty for their own good. This movie is filled with great actors giving pretty good performances... although, there hardly seems a point since there's basically no story here to be told. Just a bunch of crap. This is probably not an apt comparison, but if you can imagine the movie Juno without the plot element of "Juno being pregnant". Or the movie "Garden State", without the guy actually going off his meds. Or Dummy, only instead without Milla Jovovich, and instead of a dummy, the dude get a warcraft account to socialize instead. Imagine those movies with those changes, and you'll get the problem I had with this movie, such as it is. 6/10

================= Meet Bill (2007)
Oh, Aaron Eckhart... You thought you could sneak this one by us, didn't you? This movie is about a pathetic guy named Bill. He not a lovable character. He is not really pitiable. Sure, a lot of pretty bad stuff happens to him, and he probably didn't deserve it, but the drama and the comedy isn't really present here. In far more ways than can be considered coincidence, Bill is Kevin Spacey's character from American Beauty, only he's not compelling at all. Bill is a stupid character with goals but no ambition or the social or economical means to attain those goals. People in the movie walk all over him because they can. There's a somewhat interesting subplot with mentoring a kid that is characteristically the exact opposite of Bill, in which the mentoring relationship inevitably goes in the other direction. And the character of Bill is supposed to overcome some issues with his self respect... but the character as presented to the audience doesn't really merit having any. The movie has a pretty great cast, Elizabeth Banks and Jessica Alba (cast correctly for once), turn in pretty decent comic performances. But in the end, Bill is yet another movie lacking a (memorable)plot and is seemingly an exercise in pure characterization. All that being said, this is not a bad film... it is entirely mediocre, but I actually found myself somewhat entertained by it. 6/10

================= Vexille (2007)
I watched the dubbed version, and was not a fan of the voice acting... but I was too lazy to read at the time, so I stuck with it. I really wish that these anime companies would hire American cartoon voice actors or celebrities to voice their movies... it would definitely add a level of quality IMO. If you don't mind reading, for this particular movie, my advice would be to try the subtitles for a better experience.

This was a pretty visually interesting Anime with the type of science fiction plots you can only find in anime. The entire movie is computer generated and 3D, although it successfully conveys it's 2-D heritage proudly. It has a pretty awesome soundtrack that suits the subject matter, and the world it portrays is thoroughly intriguing and involving. Plus, the technology, guns, robots, mechas... the things that many old school anime fans jizz over, are present in abundance, and displayed in such detail that I've never seen heretofore. If it had taken a bit more care with developing it's characters, like say, Akira, or the Ghost in the Shell... it would have been close to perfect story. As it stands, some of the vital characters are not even revealed until the last act, which suffers entirely too much from clichéd classical villain motives and mistakes. But, those elements aside, the movie is very well made, and very entertaining. 8/10

================= The Burning (1981)
Friday the 13th knock-off. Great gore... but that's about it. The movie's plot is pretty generic, doesn't really warrant describing here. The only reason this movie is notable at all is that is has a couple second tier characters played by actors who later went on to be something. What could loosely be called "the protagonist", is played by the kid who played "Rat" in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High". He turns in an awkward and annoying performance as a nerdly peeping tom, who can't swim... but who manages to be the movie's "final girl" on the ill fated canoe trip, simply by putting to use his awesome peeping tom skills. Other notables making an appearance in this piece of schlock: Jason Alexander and Fisher Stevens.

A few parts of this movie don't really make sense... including an opening sequence involving the killing of a prostitute. For a movie hailed by slasher fans as "required viewing", I simply must say I did not like it. But then again, I didn't really like Halloween either, and most people hold that up to be the standard by which all other Slashers must measure up. Anyways, if you've seen Friday the 13th parts 1-5, you've seen everything this movie has to offer and more. It's not funny enough to be a parody... it's just a poor quality attempted knock off.

If you're looking for definitive slasher films, I would much recommend "Pieces" aka "Mil gritos tiene la noche" (1982) for your 80's schlock pleasure. Pieces is not only a better movie than The Burning, but Pieces sets out to do what Hatchet attempted, and failed to do, 25 years later: effectively parody the 1980's slasher genre. Pieces has got just as much, if not more gore than The Burning, but far more interesting and hilarious characters and plot twists. Pieces is a terrible movie far ahead of it's time, whereas The Burning is mediocre and utterly forgettable pale imitation of other movies of it's time. Bottom line, The Burning is a poor to mediocre movie that brought nothing to the Slasher genre, and it deserves to be forgotten. 4/10.

================= Battle Beyond the Stars (1980)
Continuing my theme of schlock knock offs, this beautiful turd is an absolutely terrible attempted rip off of Star Wars, among other things. That being said, it does have some compelling qualities to it... acting is not one of them. I loved the sets and special effects in a purely nostalgic way. It reminded me of Dark Star (1974), Starcrash (1978), Flash Gordon (1980), Galaxy of Terror (1981) and various other miscellaneous cheesy Sci-Fi. It bathes in those movie's aesthetics, the and is generally bright and colorful, fantastical in a way, something that modern space movies don't attempt, opting instead for cold and sterile realism. This movie is notable in that it is James Cameron's first credit for Art Direction. But that's about it, aside from some interesting aliens, most notably, a race of humaniods that share a common hive mind and a space "cowboy" who is the movie's sole inexplicable link to earth. Battle Beyond the Stars isn't the worst of the other movies mentioned in this review (that credit goes to Starcrash), but it is certainly the most uninspired and boring. 4/10

================= Contamination (1980)
I've been listening to the soundtrack to this for quite a few years... it's done by Goblin, one of my favorite bands. They primarily score movies with fantastic prog-rock inspired synth, which for me, are the definitive sounds of the cinema in the late 70's and early 80's. Recently, I finally tracked down the movie to accompany the soundtrack. Unfortunately the soundtrack is the absolute best thing about this terrible attempt at an alien knock off. The movie is so utterly implausible, at times incomprehensible, and at others just freaking stupid. The movie relies on a hilariously bad slow motion exploding chest gore effect, overused, and evidently the result of some sort of toxin or acid excreted by these "alien pods", who's sole purpose in the film appears to be to pulsate, emit light, a strange synth sound, and then to explode, causing anyone near them to promptly melt, scream, and explode. Our heroes are a trio: a street smart N.Y. City cop, a high ranking female army research scientist, and an alcoholic ex-astronaut. The movie plays out a bit like how I remember "Halloween 3 - Season of the Witch": it's story hinging on an overly elaborate yet inexplicably nonsensical plot for world domination by an unknown evil force. Eventually, the source of the evil and the alien pods is revealed, and it's pretty funny how the climax pays out. As bad as this movie is, it still manages to pull out many of the required stops for being watchable in the "so-bad-its-good" gauntlet category. 2/10



================= Little Monsters (1989) 8/10
Childhood favorite. Fantastic kids movie. Great soundtrack. Numerous use of the word shit. Reaches a level of greatness that kids movies these days aren't able to attain. This in more than one way is a truly great horror movie for kids... you've got the monster aspect, which may or may not be a metaphor for any sort of rebellion, be it turning to drugs, or simply running with the wrong crowd. It's also employs as a backdrop, the horror of parents going through a divorce. Some of the best dialog in the movie is heard as distant muted fights in another room, and watching it as an adult, I picked up on quite a few of the funnier lines that I was totally oblivious to as a kid. The acting isn't so great from the savage brothers and the kids in the movie... but Howie Mandel is pretty great as Maurice, and his makeup is awesome. The character of "Boy" is probably one of the creepiest villains I've ever seen committed to film. And the ending is fantastic.

================= Freeway (1996)
Freeway is a fantastic modern fairy tale. I'm a fan of practically everything Reese Witherspoon has been in. This was probably the first movie I took notice of her. Freeway came out in 1996, the same year she was in Fear with Marky Mark... and as great as Fear is, I still think that Freeway was her better movie from that year. It also features Britney Murphy for the first time playing the character she would then proceed to play for the rest of her career. It's written and directed by Matthew "Forbidden Zone" Bright. It's opening credit sequence is a series of Robert Crumb drawings. It's got an insane score by Danny Fucking Elfman and by Tito Larriva & Tarantula(the band from "From Dusk Till Dawn"). It has Keifer Southerland in one of his best roles ever. It's the blackest of pitch black comedies. It's not without it's flaws, but sometimes I think I love it even more because it's not perfect. Highly recommended. 9/10

================= Night of the Creeps (1986)
One of my favorite movies of all time. The weird fucking puppet opening sequence with the aliens and lasers and the tube full of creeps? Classic. The 1950's make-out point psycho axe-murder follow-up to that? AMAZING. It's got the perfect amount of camp, comedy, drama, classic, and modern horror, and sci-fi. It's everything I loved as a kid, and still love today. And for a movie that came out in the early-mid 80's... it sure had a hell of a lot of classic horror name dropping... just look at the character names: Chris Romero, James Carpenter Hooper, Cindy Cronenberg, Det. Ray Cameron, Det. Landis, Det. Sgt. Raimi. This. Movie. Is. Amazing. 9/10

================= The Blood of Heroes (1989)
This is a genre oddity: think Hoosiers meets Beyond the Thunderdome. It's a post apocalyptic underdog team sports movie. With a cast populated by some pretty awesome B-stars: Delroy Lindo, Rutger Hauer, Joan Chen(josie on twin peaks), & Vincent Donofrio. The action is fairly good, and once you get the dynamics of the game, it's actually fun to watch. It also has some awesome make-up effects. It does a decent job of showing you glimpses of a society slowly reassembling itself after some unnamed disaster... just enough to stimulate your imagination. But none of that really matters, what matters is the characters... and that's where this movie fails. It focuses on a fairly weak master/apprentice story, but doesn't do much else with the characters to keep you interested... and when it finally gets to the climax, it kinda falls flat, and is utterly without denument, leaving you with a vague sense of a victory larger than simply winning the game. All that being said, I don't think this is a good movie... but it's interesting and watchable. 6/10

================= Little Shop of Horrors (1986)
It's been at least 15 years since I first saw this movie. Seeing it as an adult makes me realize why I loved it as a kid. This is lackluster as a musical... but it's a fucking great story. I loved Steve Martin's introduction sequence, and his character in general. There's a lot of other fun cameo parts too. But the one reason above all to see this movie is the abso-fucking-lutely amazing puppets for "Audrey 2". I have no idea how they accomplished the articulation for this... it's better than anything that could be done with CG today. It's 100% believable. Think of the animals in tremors, but in plain sight, full view, talking singing, and interacting.... I loved it. I cannot overstate how awesome the puppet in this movie is. It lost out on an Oscar for best visual effects to Aliens... which I'm not so sure it should have. Sure, aliens had variety of different types of effects... but the pure quality of the puppetry in Little Shop has IMO, heretofore, never been exceeded. 9/10

================= The Rocker (2008)
This was a decent waste of Time. It's no masterpiece, and it's kinda tame, but I'd put it in the same class as Drillbit Taylor... it's aimed at a decidedly younger crowd than most comedies that manage to get a PG-13 these days. I wasn't a fan of the music in the movie, and it was very very hard to see Rain Wilson as anyone other than Dwight from the Office... but as a fantasy rock band story, this movie isn't bad. The drama is neither too involving, nor are the villains overly villainous. It's a light easy to digest movie. 6/10

================= Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (1994)
I liked the movie a lot, but I can understand why some people might not: No castle. No igor. Monster doesn't look anything like "Frankenstein(tm)"; those are the primary reasons it has a bad rep. But, in my opinion, it's also almost too epic. It feels like they made too many cuts to the story, cramming too much content into too little time in trying to get it down to a marketable length. It either should have been 30 minutes longer, or it should have been 2 movies. Ironically, there were also a few elements that "Bride of Reanimator" did better. Despite the above, I still think Mary Shelley's Frankenstein is a great movie... definitely underrated. 9/10

================= Righteous Kill (2008)
Opens with a montage during the credits... not a good sign. The credits however inform me of a pretty excellent cast. Pacino, De Niro, Dennehy, Leguizamo, Wahlberg... then the movie proceeds with a tape being played, oh no. The bulk of this movie is going to be told as a flashback... personal motion picture storytelling pet peeve: I hate that. But, in addition to that, it saps the movie of a lot of the mystery. The mystery which is actually kinda interesting in that it is predictable, and sort of obvious, but manages to keep you second guessing yourself until the third act. For a co-piloted by genre greats, Pacino and De Niro, their acting is terrible. The movie feels like it was made for TV. All that being said, I liked it, because I got a kick out of DeNiro and Pacino hamming the script into my face. With exchanges like this, I was powerless in the face of it's cheese:
Dennehy: "Is this case worth your badge!... Your pension!!?"
De niro: "Yeah."
Pacino: "Fah-Uck Ye-Ah!"
Overall, it's a passable cop movie. 6/10

================= Feast (2006)
In a word, this movie was "refreshing". I'm kinda jaded, since as soon as they pulled the "turn the hero cliche on it's head" ala Deep Blue Sea, I basically called every "unpredictable" element after that. Even still, this movie was the most entertaining movie I've seen in recent memory. It's pacing rivals that of "Crank"... it is nonstop action from start to finish. And in terms of plot, acting, characters, and overall fun factor, it is leagues ahead of the Jeepers Creepers and Saws that somehow manage to get theatrical releases.

The gore effects and creature designs were fantastic. FANTASTIC. This movie has buckets of blood and some very ingenious and hilarious kills. At parts this movie reminded me of Evil Aliens, but never once did it's humor get annoying like it did in Evil Aliens. Sure there was gag comedy like the creatures humping various orifaces and people getting repeatedly slimed, but most of the humor was showcased as dark comedy, as opposed to jokes for the sake of comedy.

I was trying to figure out who the bartender was, and at first I thought it was Paul Gleason from "Breakfast Club", but I realised he looked way older than he did in "Abominable"(another great creature flick)... then I realized it was good 'ol Clu Gulager, Burt of "Return of the Living Dead" fame. Nice to see he's still alive and staring in decent movies.

It kinda bugged me that there were a few things left unanswered, namely the origin of the creatures, why they hump everything's faces, and just what the fuck was crawling around underneath beerguy's skin... But I suppose those elements can be elaborated on in a sequel. The "life expectancies" freeze frames had an air of self-aware/self-referential comedy to it, and I've never really been a fan of that in any movie... but in this movie it was acceptable, as it set the tone for the movie, and saved a lot of time introducing throwaway characters. The only thing I genuinely did not like about the movie was the awkward ending. But, I suppose it's hard to satisfyingly end a movie that is essentially one big long climax.

Feast is a very refreshing fast paced creature movie that pisses in the face of cliche, but suffers from somewhat of a lackluster ending. (8/10)

================= Max Payne (2008) 8/10
On it's own, this is a decent movie. But, when you take into consideration it's source material, and other movies of this type, you start to realize that there are many non-technical, subjective ways that it comes up short.

For one, this needed to be R Rated... it needed to be a bit more like "Payback" or "Death Sentence". Second, although it's a better movie than "Hitman", it is not as good a videogame adaptation, even though the story and major plot and character points are relatively faithful to the source. There are a couple of good action sequences, but nothing that compares to even the lamest of John Woo movies. The movie has a very interesting visual style, but it drops the part about the game that I loved the most... the hard boiled Max Fucking Payne narration. Marky Mark's acting chops being a notable limiting factor in accomplishing that... which is exactly why this movie needed to star a better actor, like for instance or Edward Norton or Clive Owen, or Johnny Knoxville, or even a shaved, highly trained monkey.

Enough about what the movie should or could have been, and back to the movie as it is: I have to stress that it's not bad. Someone watching this knowing nothing about the movie's pedigree might be very pleased with it as a Action/Mystery/Revenge flick. I was certainly entertained on those levels... but in a world where you've got a movie that is based on a game that is heavily inspired by film noir, hong-kong action movies, and comicbooks, it's hard not to recognize that the movie has lost a lot of what made it's source material special. I suppose I'm conflicted in that I liked the Max Payne movie, but at the same time I was disappointed at yet another videogame adaptation that missed the mark.

I'm going to go watch Shoot 'Em Up again. Here's some quick reviews of some other movies I've watched recently:



================= My Dinner with Andre (1981)
Strange "documentary" in which two guys converse about their lives, catching up and reminiscing.
Rating: oddly compelling/Documentary?

================= Chaplin (1992)8/10
It's very well made, but also sorta boring. Robert Downey Jr. is good in this... but the movie doesn't really have much else compelling about it.

================= Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)
Really funny buddy comedy. Great story, an interesting mystery plot, with a non-standard presentation. I wasn't really a fan of the 4th wall being broke, but other than that, fantastic and funny movie. 9/10

================= Fur: an Imaginary Portrait of Dianne Arbus
Steven Shainberg, director of the 2002 S&M comedy "Secretary", brings us another movie with similar themes. Robert Downey Jr. as a retired circus freak. Nicole Kidman as a bored 50's housewife. The first half of this plays like a horror movie. 9/10

================= Eagle Eye (2008)
Meh. I predicted this movie from it's trailer. The concept is sound, and I think if it was only slightly reworked it might have been made to be a good addition to another un-named for the sake of spoiler movie franchise. It's a big dumb action movie that is often over the top implausible, but is not without a brain. 8/10

================= The Pest (1997)
Terrible Movie. One of my favorites. 4/10

================= Bangkok Dangerous (2008)
I could probably write more about this, but it's been a bit since I've seen it, and all I've got written in my notes is some doodles a the single word "Inexplicable". I've forgotten every remotely redeemable quality, and only remember a few bad to mediocre moments... and Nick Cage trying to dramatically act guilty and tortured for 85 minutes. Not good. 6/10

================= Igor (2008)
Igor is probably the worst animated film I've seen this year. It was awkward, but still entertaining. 6/10

================= Choke (2008)
It was throughly entertaining, funny, with plenty of boobs... but not as good as the book. 8/10

================= The Sasquatch Dumpling Gang (2006)
Really funny movie about friendship. Quirky characters with multiple interesting plots for each. The presentation of the story is interesting in that it backtracks showing the same events form different perspectives a few times. 8/10

================= Hank & Mike (2008)
Very odd movie about two Easter bunnies getting fired and Easter being downsized. Odd... but not good. 6/10

================= Pathology (2008)
This was actually good. It's a movie where the hero is just barely above the level of character of the villains portrayed in the movie. 8/10

================= Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat (1990)
Where the hell did they dig this up. Bruce Campbell, David Carradine... terrible. There are moments that rise above and become entertaining in a so good it's bad sort of way, but by and large this is probably worse than the other Vampire Western... Bloodrayne 2. 3/10

================= Freeway 2: Confessions of a Trick Baby (1999)
Christ this was bad... but I gotta say, I love the subject matter. I'm a huge fan of the first Freeway movie. I love these twisted modern takes on fairy tales. Injecting these classic and familiar stories with moral, racial, social, and sexual undertones makes them really interesting. 5/10

================= City of Ember (2008)
This was a decent Sci-Fi movie for kids. It leaves a lot of the set up stuff to the imagination. It's lacking quite a bit of logic, but it does have some interesting social commentary. 8/10

================= Hocus Pocus (1993)
Sarah Jessica Parker plays the prototype Carrie character from Sex and the City. Great kid's Halloween movie. 8/10

================= Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds (2008)
The first one, while not without it's flaws, was a refreshing, slimy, gore-filled, horror movie with pacing that rivaled that of Crank. It had memorable and unique monsters, a great cast of characters, a classic under siege scenario, and some memorable attempts at avoiding typical horror cliches. The second one is bloody as hell, outrageous, and almost unwatchable. Top notch gore effects, bad acting, and a terrible script. All that being said, sorta worth it for the baby scene alone. 3/10

================= Super Mario Bros (1993)
I don't agree that all video game adaptations are bad. I for one think that Mortal Kombat, Tomb Raider, Resident Evil, Doom, Silent Hill, and most recently, Max Payne are all about an 8/10 on a technical level. The problem with videogame movies is the same problem any adaptation faces, the selective dropping plots/characters/themes, and other elements that can't fit into the 2hour time slot, only videogame adaptations have the added level of lacking the interactivity that makes games what they are. Despite their quality as a film, movie versions of games can never hope to encompass everything that a game does, as they are not interactive, and thus will never fully satisfy fans of the original source material. Brent touched on this, and I completely agree.

Despite it's dubious overall quality as a film (6/10 IMO), Super Mario Bros has a coherent plot, an excellent cast, impressive sets, good music, and interesting special effects. I think Super Mario Bros is actually a bold attempt at adapting what little story there was of the original Super Mario Bros. game. They've necessarily fleshed out quite a bit, and created back story where previously there was none. The alternate dimension world depicted in the movie is interesting and original... they took an 8 bit cartoony game franchise and brought it to life in live action without the use of animation or excessive computer generated effects. Now does it really make sense that Dinosaurs and Fungus co-evolved into very mammalian looking humanoids? Does it make sense that Koopaland seems a lot more like some oddball alternate NYC future? Does it make sense that they all speak English? No. No. and No. And yes, those are detriments. But whatever. It's a B-level script, a movie aimed at kids, and I accept that.

There are enough cool little nods to the game, and Nintendo in general for this movie to please me. I liked seeing an army of "goombas" carrying superscopes. I liked seeing the insane reaction to the bomb-om. I completely agree that the Yoshi dinosaur is more real than anything that would have been done today. And, as cheesy as it was, I actually liked the de-evolved Dennis Hopper Koopa effect. I also thought the depiction of the wrecked World Trade Center towers was notable.

Am I the only one who would absolutely love for the producers and participants in this movie to follow through on the sequel that was so cheesily set up at the end of this movie? Imagine, blockbuster summer movie of 2010: a fatter, older Bob Hoskins riding on the back of a fully grown Yoshi, eating mushrooms and stars, John Leguizamo sticking a feather in his cap, and flying into the sky to once again save the mushroom kingdom from the clutches of the evil Dennis Hopper. Don't lie. You, like me would be in line on opening day.6/10

================= River's Edge (1986)
This is a really great drama. Watching it I was sort of reminded of other movies like Gummo, Out of the Blue, and Paranoid Park. Like those movies, River's Edge isn't primarily a horror movie, but it definitely employs more than a few horror elements. In many ways it felt to me like a distant cousin of Twin Peaks. Now, some who watch this movie might say that Crispin Glover's performance was a detriment, but I think that he was actually very good at acting like a character who is himself acting. Its sort of annoying but it works, because I believe that's the exact traits the character was supposed to have. Keanu Reeves is also pretty good as an introverted slacker. But the star performance of this movie would have to be the detestable little kid who played the child-vampire in "Near Dark". Recommended because there's nothing quite like it. 9/10

================= Popcorn (1991)
This is wacky. It's very giallo-like in story structure, but has an added self conscious cheese factor that Argento and Bava's movies lack. It's got some great kills, and a memorable villain. The movies with the movie are all top notch productions, and overall it's just very fun to watch. Not a good movie... but entertaining if you're a horror movie geek. 6/10

================= Get Thrashed (2008)
Awesome documentary about the rise of Trash Metal. Interviews with tons of people, but focusing on the Big 5: Metallica, Megadeth, Exodus, Slayer, & Anthrax. If you're into Metal, see it.

================= Frag (2008)
Documentary about professional Cyber-Athletes and the big business that exploits them. Very informative. If you're into pro-gaming, see it.

================= Zack & Miri Make a Porno (2008)
I liked Zack and Miri, but I found it to be entirely too contrived. I mean, it's good if all you're looking for in a movie is something that's going to play out exactly how you imagine it is going to play out based on the title and the first 5 minutes of the movie... but it's lacking a certain something. I like Clerks 2 more. It's a lot more unpredictable, and as such has more entertainment value for me. Both are good, and cover similar subject matter... but Clerks 2 is the better movie IMO... Even if Rosario Dawson going for Brian O'Halloran is slightly less plausible than Elizabeth Banks going for Seth Rogen. 8/10

================= The Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust (2008)
Bad. On the cusp of being so bad it's good. But not quite there. It's just bad. Unlike the original, which was also terrible, it lacked the Gary Busey factor, and I think that cheapened it. It lacked memorable characters like the Butcher Baker, and the Climax was utterly inexplicable. 2/10

================= Futurama: Bender's Game (2008)
I think this was the worst of the 3 new movies so far. It tried too hard, and came up short. There were far too many jokes/references simply for the sake of making them, and not nearly enough story to support it all. I gotta say though, I loved the yellow submarine intro. 8/10

================= Role Models (2008)
Really well done. Like Bad Santa, it is somewhat of a family movie, despite the swearing, nudity, sex, and drugs. The movie has a great cast, right down to every single one of the supporting actors, many of whom you'll recognize from movies like Wet Hot American Summer, Superbad, and shows like Stella & Reno 911! Every single scene with Jane Lynch had me cracking up. Role Models is a heart warming tale about personal growth, with a surprisingly large focus on LARPing. 8/10

================= REC (2008) 8/10

================= Quantum of Solace (2008) 8/10

================= How to Lose Friends and Alienate People (2008) 8/10

================= Let the Right One In (2008) 9/10

================= Madagascar 2 (2008) 9/10

================= The Fall (2006) 10/10

================= W. (2008) 8/10

================= Bolt in 3D (2008)
So yeah, it was awesome. The opening sequence alone was worth the price of admission. That there's a pretty entertaining kid's movie that follows is a total bonus. All movies should have their credits flow out to a duet with Miley Cyrus and John Travolta. Wait... no, that's not right. What I meant to say was that all movies should be in Digital 3D. 9/10

================= Four Christmases (2008) 8/10

================= Pump Up the Volume (1990) 8/10

================= Todd Browning's Freaks (1932) 6/10

================= Space Chimps (2008)
This was not good. I'm a huge fan of CG cartoons, and this one just misses the mark on just about every level. To start, the quality of the animation is very uneven. Compared to the bigger studios offerings, the worlds depicted seem empty and plastic. And the character design of the aliens is terrible. But that's the least of this movie's problems. It might have been able to rise above it's technical limitations had it been well written. As it stands, the plot was lame, the characters flimsy, the attempts at humor unfunny, and to top it off, the movie is devoid of any discernible moral aside from humankind are douchebags... which now that I think of it, is a pretty good moral... but they don't sell it, and it doesn't work in this movie. Maybe I'm spoiled, having seen so many other good CG movies this year, like Kung-Fu Panda, Wall-E, Madagascar 2, & Bolt... but no, I'm not spoiled. They managed to get competent voice actors. Now give them something competent or worthwhile to say. There's no excuse for such an uninspired crap script. 5/10

================= My Name is Bruce (2007)
I'm a Bruce Campbell fan... but this didn't do it for me. There's the possibility of a good movie being made of this concept... and I know that Bruce Campbell has the writing chops to put something better together... so maybe next time round he should write the script, and leave the direction to someone else. Still, this movie presumably accomplishes exactly what it set out to do. It doesn't take itself seriously, in addition to being the exact type of B-movie it refers to, it is a satirical self conscious commentary on what it's like to be Bruce Campbell. I hope he had a lot of fun making it... because I didn't have all that much fun watching it. The highlight for me as always, was the many Ted Raimi characters. Love that guy. 4/10

================= Transporter 3 (2008)
The worst of the series, admittedly mediocre... but still entertaining. The editing for the action and fighting sequences wasn't completely offensive to the eyeballs (although the editing in the scene transitions was terrible). Still, I liked it a lot. It's ridiculous and over the top, but that's what makes me like it. There's more than a few occasions where our hero, The Transporter, performs impossible or logic defying feats, equivalent to say, seeing through buildings or levitating a tonne of steel through sheer force of will. Add that to the typical action movie staples of the hero being immune to machine gun fire, and extend that particular aspect to the hero's car, and you've got Transporter 3 in a nutshell.
The plot is not quite as diabolical as the one in the second part, but it's at least on par with the latest Bond movie's real estate scam (with the accompanying ecological social message to boot). The main villain, played by Robert Knepper, is reminiscent of other genre greats, like Stephen McHattie with a touch of John Glover. His face alone sells him as a viable villain, and it helps that he is also one of the actors in this movie who can actually act.
This time around, the Transporter's female companion is a genuine ginger, a freckled Ukrainian sexpot who's every line in the movie is delivered in broken english, at times reminded me of Mila Jovovich in the 5th element. The movie revolves around the concept of a Running-man like piece of jewelry that prevents the transporter from moving too far away from his car, by penalty of a prompt fatal explosion. Again... this is not a good movie. But it's a fun movie. 6/10

================= A Decade Under the Influence (2003)
A great Documentary about what is quite possibly the absolute best era of film.

================= Screwed (2000)
This is a pretty bad Norm MacDonald movie. Dave Chappelle and Danny DeVito make it watchable. 6/10

================= True Romance - The Tarantino Cut(1993)
A different, non-chronological cut of the film, which was good, aside from the ending... of which I preferred the theatrical. Unnecessary. 8/10

================= Hamlet 2 (2008)
A passable, and ultimately forgettable comedy. 6/10

================= The Day The Earth Stood Still (2008)
A faithful remake updated with themes a modern audience can identify with. Technically about as good as the Nicole Kidman Bodysnatchers remake... but unlike "Invasion", tDtESS wasn't all that entertaining or compelling as a story at all... and the child actor sorta ruined it. 8/10

================= Snuff: A Documentary about Killing on Camera (2008)
An interesting idea for a documentary... not executed half as well as it could have been. There are lots of interviews with people who have absolutely no significance as an interviewee. I'd like to have seen interviews with celebrities or notable writers, as opposed to complete nobodies.

================= Batman Returns (1992)
This is great. I much prefer Burton's Gotham city to Nolan's. Sure it's not as "real"... but that's exactly what makes the Tim Burton Batman movies great. There's this 1930's classic yet futuristic and timeless feel to everything... it makes the movie timeless, whereas I'm sure the Nolan Batmans will be somewhat dated when they're 20 years old. The Danny Elfman score is absolutely phenomenally iconic. I can't think Batman without thinking of his Batman theme. 8/10

================= Ghost Town (2008)
A passable comedy, which I have already forgotten. 6/10

================= Elf (2003)
Great for kids at Christmas time. Or if you like Zooey Deschanel singing on screen. 8/10

================= Bad Santa (2003)
A fantastic Christmas movie. One of my favorites. 10/10

================= Resident Evil: Degeneration
Surprisingly good CG cartoon. Its like one big long cut scene. Totally climactical! 8/10

================= S.F.W. (1994)
Lame movie from the arguably the worst decade for movies. Tobey Maguire was in this for 30 seconds though as an entertaining pothead caricature. 5/10

================= Milk (2008)
This movie is totally gay. It's a well made film, excellently acted on all parts, pretty much everything about it was top notch. It overcame some of the more serious ailments of biopicitis, in that it skips the boring "when they were nobodies" part of the story, but suffered from the common trait of the viewer knowing exactly how it's going to end. Normally that's not a problem... but in this movie's case it is since they rub in that part by unnecessarily starting the movie with a news broadcast of the ending, and then decide to have the story be told as a series of chronologically presented flashbacks supposedly dictated into a tape recorder prior to the ending. 9/10

================= The Visitor (2008)
A good movie, but somewhat boring and forgettable. 8/10

================= Yes Man (2008)
Gimmicky, Formulaic, Predictable... and yet not bad. Good if you like movies like Liar Liar, or Shallow Hal. Or if you like Zooey Deschanel singing on screen. 8/10

================= Gran Torino (2008)
Awesome and hilarious. Clint Eastwood is a fucking bad ass. This is a movie that Liz will surely love. 9/10

================= Frog Dreaming/The Quest/Go-Kids (1986)
I saw this movie when I was very young and have had dreams about it ever since. As a child I found it extremely involving. It stimulated my imagination and creativity to no end. It appealed to me on a horror movie level... which was part of why I had trouble tracking it down in my adult years. I could remember nothing about it aside from it's plot... The funny part is, that I only tracked this movie down based on an article on io9 about people having the same problem: http://io9.com/5115134/what-is-the-name-of-a-movie-where-two-boys-find-a-monster-in-their-school-toilet
Anyways, the movie doesn't really hold up. I can see why I liked it as a child, but it's paced very poorly, doesn't really have much in the way of character development or plot, and is entirely too Australian... but it is one of those rare movies that I saw only once, and yet had the ability to capture my imagination on and off for over 20 years. 6/10

================= The Wrestler (2008)
The Wrestler... it's fucking perfect. Rourke's best role, and Aronofsky's best movie. I doubt it will even get nominated by the Academy for a number of reasons... but it definitely deserves to. It's so well executed, so dead on, so goddamn touching... it's one of the best, and my favorite of all the films I've seen this year. Go see it if you can. The Wrestler succeeds in conveying the story of a genuine American tragedy by being extremely well written, acted, and exemplary on all technical levels.

The way the movie parallels Pam and Ram, the way they are both at a point in their lives where they are evaluating their chosen profession, and ultimately making a choice about who they really are and what defines them is fucking beautiful. The scene where Ram walks around "backstage" of the deli, eventually emerging as the soundtrack slowly ramps up the sounds of the non-existant crowd was pitch fucking perfect. And the attention to detail this movie has is astounding. It nails the essence of the indie wrestling circuit.

I can understand the people who might not get this movie. Perhaps to fully appreciate it, you have to be a certain age and possess a certain cultural point of view. Maybe you have to have idolized Hacksaw Jim, Macho Man, Bret Hart, Ultimate Warrior, Jake the Snake, and Rowdy Roddy.

...but even if you're not a fan of all that; even if you're not familiar with the long list of indie and pro wrestlers who've been consumed by their trade, achieved stardom, and squandered it, or weren't quite smart enough, or didn't have a good enough agent to land movie careers, and instead ended up dying alone in a motel room ODing on crack or meth... even if you're not aware of the trend of pro wrestlers who die before the age of 50... you should still be able to appreciate the tragedy in this movie.

The Wrestler is the best movie of 2008. 10/10

================= The Go-Getter (2007) - Decent indie coming of age/road movie. Zooey Dechanel as always, is captivating. 8/10

================= Encounters at the End of the World (2007) - I love Werner Herzog's documentaries the best.

================= Religulous (2008) - Bill Maher's Michael Moore style documentary. Speaking as an atheist, this is merely alright.

================= Frost Nixon (2008) - It's a great tale of two titans clashing, eccentricities, vulnerabilities, but the movie lacks scope, and provides very little more than the actual Watergate interviews. 8/10

================= In the Electric Mist (2008) - 8/10 Tommy Lee Jones as law enforcement? ...as if that could ever work in a movie.

================= The Last Temptation of Christ (1988) - Interesting take on the story. Willem Dafoe is my personal jesus. 6/10

================= Primal Fear (1996) - Excellent crime drama/courtroom thriller. Edward Norton is fantastic. 9/10

================= Shred (2008) - In the vein of Ski School, plus a modern take of Jackass. Poor Tom Green. Turned it off halfway through. AVOID.

================= Tank Girl (1995) - This is one of those 90's movies that are so mediocre, they should be forgotten... but I can't. I just love it. 6/10

================= Fight Club (1999) - Virtually flawless. Great adaptation. Excellent cast. One of my favorite movies. 10/10

================= A Complete History Of My Sexual Failures (2008) - A documentary about an unstable self obsessed bloke who is terrible with women. Surprisingly funny!

================= Changeling (2008) - Excellent period piece. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wineville_Chicken_Coop_Murders Amazing true story. Very very good. 9/10

================= The Apartment (1960) - Watched this in preparation for watching Mad Men and Revolutionary Road. Must have been edgy for it's time. 8/10

================= The Irrefutable Truth About Demons (2000) - Odd little horror/thriller. Boldly tries to go places, but falls short. 6/10

================= Lakeview Terrace (2008) - Passable thriller with racial social commentary... ultimately it's just popcorn. 8/10

================= Seven Pounds (2008) - Oscar Bait. Might have been good if it didn't open with the ending. 8/10

================= Deception (2008) - Feels like a movie that should have starred Michael Douglass in the late 80's. Predictable thriller. 6/10

================= Body of Lies (2008) - The politics of espionage. Interesting view into the strategy and tactics involved in intelligence gathering. Kinda boring too. 8/10