Think Horror

4th Quarter 2008

2008-12-31T11:59:00.000-05:00

================== Mini's First Time (2008)
Essentially, Mini's First Time is about a young girl finding her place in the world as a heartless sociopath. Something that I imagine quite a few women might identify with. Jeff Goldblum puts in an appearance, basically playing himself, and Alek Baldwin puts in a decent performance as a character that seems to be punished for no apparent reason. The main character, Mini, played by Nikki Reed, is annoying, and on top of that, has annoying and pointless narration, as well as being acted poorly, which itself is another level of annoyance. The star performance of the movie is Carrie-Anne Moss, who plays the character of Mini's mother, a social ladder climbing marry-for-money, alcoholic socialite. Luke Wilson makes an appearance... but is utterly forgettable. The movie gives you zero characters to identify with, and even kinda has a moment at the end where the main character breaks the fourth wall and directly addresses the audience acknowledging as much. As far as a misanthropic dark comedy Ferris-Beuller-Lolita-type movie goes.. there are attempts at comedy, and is successful on occasion... but it fails as entertainment. 6/10

================== TerrorVision (1986)
Fantastic Sci-Fi/Horror/Comedy. TerrorVision is about your typical upper-middle class white suburban 1980's Californian family, being terrorized by an inter-galactic monster, that exists in states of either pure energy or as a massive slimy corporeal beast, possessing a limitless appetite. The parents in the family are swingers, the son is a pill popping neurotic, the daughter is a punk-rock tiffany-esque valley girl, the grandpa is a conspiracy theory toting military freak, and every single other character in the movie is interestingly odd in some way or another. The monster in the movie is not unlike the monster from "the thing" in that after taking a victim, it can assume it's identity... creating some very interesting comedic scenarios. Along with Night of the Creeps and Return of the Living Dead, TerrorVision is one of my favorite childhood horror movies. It's got a great soundtrack, and a fantastic look conveying quite successfully the dayglo excesses of the 1980's. As a child, I wanted to live in the set used for the house in the movie. This is fantastic 80's sci-fi camp, and overall just a very fun movie. 8/10

================== Flesh+Blood (1985)
This movie is utterly deplorable in that it unflinchingly displays naked all the worst traits of humanity, inside and out. Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Anger, Envy, Pride. And numerous other deadly sins. A lot of it is glorified, in that it is shown without consequence. And that's exactly what makes it great. Rape. Prostitution. Superstition. Sadism. Religion. Murder. Betrayal. Torture. Gore. Biological warfare. All brought to you, courtesy your friendly neighborhood Paul Fucking Verhoeven. This movie strikes me as one of the truer depictions of the middle ages. In typical Verhoeven fashion, the movie is brutal and gory as hell. At times doesn't seem to take itself quite seriously, but it's story is one of the most original I've ever seen put to film... The movie is unpredictable. It is structured in a completely non-standard fashion and yet, it is thoroughly engrossing throughout. 6/10

================== Superhero Movie (2008)
Okay. Here's why I decided to watch this, despite every fiber of my being screaming not to. (1), I recently learned that it's directed by Craig Mazin, who's only other director credit is "The Specials": a superhero parody movie that I actually liked quite a lot. (2), it -appears- to have a pretty decent cast compared to most other recent "parody" "movies" (meet the spartans, disaster movie, epic movie, etc.) But, unfortunately not even decent B grade actors can save this, and Craig Mazin's writing, if you can call it that, is not nearly in the same league as James Gunn (writer of The Specials). Essentially, Superhero Movie IS Spider-Man 1&2. The movie has an excessive amount of the "hero" getting hit in the head being pawned off as slapstick, and an excessive amount of fart jokes being pawned off as comedy. It has some of the lamest sight gags and puns imaginable, but these would actually fit sorta well... if this were of the quality of the Naked Gun or Airplane. But it's not. It barely has a story line, and relies entirely too much on aping entire scenes from the first 2 Spiderman movies. There's a 2 girls 1 cup reference, that is actually sorta funny, but thankfully, there's very little other "internet meme" type stuff present. As for the superhero movie parody parts: there's a little bit of Bruce Wayne's Batman origin thrown in... and a professor x makes an inexplicable appearance... you see wolverine shaving his legs with his claws... and 2 members of the fantastic 4... being fantastic. But very little of this is actually funny, or entertaining. The movie feels long, and it's barely 75 minutes. You're much better off watching The Specials, any or all of the Spiderman movies with the accompanying Mike Nelson & crew Rifftrack. 4/10

================= Repo Man (1984)
I love this movie, not because it's great(it is merely good), but because it feels like it's much more than it is. In Night of the Living Dead, the radio broadcasts drop just enough information to give you a general sense of dread, but never really tell you anything. In Repo Man, the world the movie depicts, the clues it drops, the exchanges of dialog, the reports on the radio/television, things written on the walls, and happening in the background... all serve a similar purpose. A casual viewer might think that not a lot of thought went into the movie... but upon repeated viewings, these details in the background pop out, and the movie takes on all new dimensions. More than any other movie I can think of, in Repo Man, it's the things that the movie doesn't focus on that makes it so damn compelling.

I like this movie not for what it has to say, but for what I think it might be trying to tell me. While watching the movie, and I've seen it many many times, I always get the feeling that I might not be paying close enough attention, or that maybe I'm just not smart enough to figure out exactly what's going on. I mean, yes, I can see the plot, but the narrative linking it all together is sparse and misleading, and at times downright nonsensical... or is it? Sure one can describe what happens in this movie... but few can tell you what it's really about. What is the connection of the Repo-man's code to Issac Asimov's Laws of Robotics? What does city controller Harry Pace have to do with the plot? What is the movie's social commentary, if any? What is the movie's connection to Scientology? Why do I suddenly want to watch "Dude, Where's my Car?"? What is the significance of the generic foodstuffs, or the pine-tree car air-fresheners? Is all the questions this movie generates intended, or is it simply a side effect of it being a snapshot of a nihilistic punk youth philosophy flavored by an affinity for b-movie popcorn science fiction?

Repo Man has a great soundtrack that really augments the desolate citys and sets used in the movie. It's a comedy catering to a very specific brand of humor, that in my experience, not many people possess. The characters and acting are laughable. The dialogue consists mostly of one-liners and ranting monologues, but is littered with great lines. Repo Man is incredibly unconventional, so it'll probably fail a general audience... but the movie is pretty rewarding for those with a taste for films that don't subscribe to common movie formulas. It's one of those movies that doesn't have many clear influences, and yet influences a great many more works to varying degrees of quality... like Pulp Fiction or the aforementioned Dude Where's My Car? to name a few. Eyes Melt. Skin Explodes. Everybody dead. I blame society. Repo Man: 8/10

================= Son of the Mask (2005)
This is on the IMDb bottom 100, and has been since it came out. That's quite the task. Being a huge fan of the original movie adaptation, and a movie masochist, I had to see just how bad this was first hand. After watching it, and taking into context the tone and demographic of the original, I can safely say that this movie is a prime example of a movie that does not know, at all, who it's audience is. It caters more toward the shitty saturday morning cartoon version than it does to the first movie, and yet it's tone isn't exactly for children.

The set-up is your standard adult comedic melodrama: a guy doesn't want a baby, his girl does, so course they end up with a baby. But, then there's the saturday morning cartoon plot: the baby was conceived while the mask was being worn... so this will be no ordinary baby. And then, the dog gets jealous of the new baby, so it repeatedly tries to kill it. The baby is smarter than the dad, so it starts to try to drive him insane. But, wait, there's more. There's a malevloent god searching for the mask, and the baby, and he MUST BE STOPPED, but not before our lamewad hero saves his family and his job! Pretty basic stuff. It might have worked for children, except that the entire first half hour has nothing for kids, and later on in the film, after the cartoon stuff starts, there are numerous scenes with Jaime Kennedy screaming at a baby, and one where he beats the crap out of his wife. The man couldn't act his way out of a paper bag... and is definitely no Jim Carey.

The only acting high point in this movie would be Alan Cumming, but he only succeeds in hamming it up with what little the script gave him. The movie also breaks the rule that the first movie established about the mask only working at night. About the only well done aspect of this movie was the CG, but that was overused. For the amount of CG in this movie, they should have just made the whole thing CG. And the climax is absolutely terrible. There are so many reasons why this movie doesn't work. Son of the Mask might have been good, but it really suffered far too much from trying to cater to everyone, instead of just trying to be a decent movie. 3/10

================= Burn After Reading (2008)
This was a fun movie. Very well made, it has a great cast who all turn in great performances. The movie serves as a showcase of some of the worst parts of humanity, You've got characters covering facets of vapidity, vanity, callousness, cowardice, bitchiness, loneliness, lovelessness, and surliness... but most notably, and apparently common to all characters depicted in the film: is stupidity. The plot in the movie comes together seemingly by comedic coincidence in more than a few points. As the movie builds and more plot connections are made, a certain feeling of intense dread and paranoia is successfully portrayed. By the time it's over, some characters get what's coming to them, others get what they always wanted, and even more get the short end of the stick, which, were it not for their stupidity as characters, might make you feel a bit sorry for the outcomes. I'm not sure why, but all throughout the movie, I found myself not quite searching for, but instead anticipating any semblance of political commentary... but I found none. The moral here, if any, is quite simply, to not to be an idiot. The way it's written, and how everything comes together in the end isn't quite as entertaining as The Big Lebowski, but it's fun nonetheless. Throughout the course of the movie, John Malkovich's character must have exclaimed "What the Fuck!?" at least 10 times. Combined with the closing comments by J.K. Simmons' character, that sentiment successfully sums up what I gather we are to take away from watching this film. WTF indeed. 8/10

================= The Savages (2008)
This is a drama with subtle elements of dark comedy. It's about a loose knit family that had grown apart, that is forced to come together to deal with the declining state of a dementia afflicted parent, which although the primary drama of the film, also serves as a backdrop for the main characters dealing with their lives which haven't lived up to their expectations. It's a depressing tale of middle age. It's about defeat. It is well acted all around, and it's story is largely without climax. I can't imagine anyone feeling uplifted by this movie in any way... despite it's attempts at a somewhat uplifting ending. The acting is a little shy of "oscar-bait" at some parts... but other than that, this is a well made film. It may appeal to you more if you've ever had to put a relative into an old age home... but be warned that if it appeals to you more, it might just make you even more depressed than it made me, someone who has never had to do that. 8/10

================= Smart People (2008)
Smart People? Not really. I suppose that's the point. I'm not really sure what this movie is about. Every character has somewhat of a hurdle to overcome... but I didn't at any point find myself interested in any of them. Add this to the list of slightly plotless melodrama... with characters far too witty for their own good. This movie is filled with great actors giving pretty good performances... although, there hardly seems a point since there's basically no story here to be told. Just a bunch of crap. This is probably not an apt comparison, but if you can imagine the movie Juno without the plot element of "Juno being pregnant". Or the movie "Garden State", without the guy actually going off his meds. Or Dummy, only instead without Milla Jovovich, and instead of a dummy, the dude get a warcraft account to socialize instead. Imagine those movies with those changes, and you'll get the problem I had with this movie, such as it is. 6/10

================= Meet Bill (2007)
Oh, Aaron Eckhart... You thought you could sneak this one by us, didn't you? This movie is about a pathetic guy named Bill. He not a lovable character. He is not really pitiable. Sure, a lot of pretty bad stuff happens to him, and he probably didn't deserve it, but the drama and the comedy isn't really present here. In far more ways than can be considered coincidence, Bill is Kevin Spacey's character from American Beauty, only he's not compelling at all. Bill is a stupid character with goals but no ambition or the social or economical means to attain those goals. People in the movie walk all over him because they can. There's a somewhat interesting subplot with mentoring a kid that is characteristically the exact opposite of Bill, in which the mentoring relationship inevitably goes in the other direction. And the character of Bill is supposed to overcome some issues with his self respect... but the character as presented to the audience doesn't really merit having any. The movie has a pretty great cast, Elizabeth Banks and Jessica Alba (cast correctly for once), turn in pretty decent comic performances. But in the end, Bill is yet another movie lacking a (memorable)plot and is seemingly an exercise in pure characterization. All that being said, this is not a bad film... it is entirely mediocre, but I actually found myself somewhat entertained by it. 6/10

================= Vexille (2007)
I watched the dubbed version, and was not a fan of the voice acting... but I was too lazy to read at the time, so I stuck with it. I really wish that these anime companies would hire American cartoon voice actors or celebrities to voice their movies... it would definitely add a level of quality IMO. If you don't mind reading, for this particular movie, my advice would be to try the subtitles for a better experience.

This was a pretty visually interesting Anime with the type of science fiction plots you can only find in anime. The entire movie is computer generated and 3D, although it successfully conveys it's 2-D heritage proudly. It has a pretty awesome soundtrack that suits the subject matter, and the world it portrays is thoroughly intriguing and involving. Plus, the technology, guns, robots, mechas... the things that many old school anime fans jizz over, are present in abundance, and displayed in such detail that I've never seen heretofore. If it had taken a bit more care with developing it's characters, like say, Akira, or the Ghost in the Shell... it would have been close to perfect story. As it stands, some of the vital characters are not even revealed until the last act, which suffers entirely too much from clichéd classical villain motives and mistakes. But, those elements aside, the movie is very well made, and very entertaining. 8/10

================= The Burning (1981)
Friday the 13th knock-off. Great gore... but that's about it. The movie's plot is pretty generic, doesn't really warrant describing here. The only reason this movie is notable at all is that is has a couple second tier characters played by actors who later went on to be something. What could loosely be called "the protagonist", is played by the kid who played "Rat" in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High". He turns in an awkward and annoying performance as a nerdly peeping tom, who can't swim... but who manages to be the movie's "final girl" on the ill fated canoe trip, simply by putting to use his awesome peeping tom skills. Other notables making an appearance in this piece of schlock: Jason Alexander and Fisher Stevens.

A few parts of this movie don't really make sense... including an opening sequence involving the killing of a prostitute. For a movie hailed by slasher fans as "required viewing", I simply must say I did not like it. But then again, I didn't really like Halloween either, and most people hold that up to be the standard by which all other Slashers must measure up. Anyways, if you've seen Friday the 13th parts 1-5, you've seen everything this movie has to offer and more. It's not funny enough to be a parody... it's just a poor quality attempted knock off.

If you're looking for definitive slasher films, I would much recommend "Pieces" aka "Mil gritos tiene la noche" (1982) for your 80's schlock pleasure. Pieces is not only a better movie than The Burning, but Pieces sets out to do what Hatchet attempted, and failed to do, 25 years later: effectively parody the 1980's slasher genre. Pieces has got just as much, if not more gore than The Burning, but far more interesting and hilarious characters and plot twists. Pieces is a terrible movie far ahead of it's time, whereas The Burning is mediocre and utterly forgettable pale imitation of other movies of it's time. Bottom line, The Burning is a poor to mediocre movie that brought nothing to the Slasher genre, and it deserves to be forgotten. 4/10.

================= Battle Beyond the Stars (1980)
Continuing my theme of schlock knock offs, this beautiful turd is an absolutely terrible attempted rip off of Star Wars, among other things. That being said, it does have some compelling qualities to it... acting is not one of them. I loved the sets and special effects in a purely nostalgic way. It reminded me of Dark Star (1974), Starcrash (1978), Flash Gordon (1980), Galaxy of Terror (1981) and various other miscellaneous cheesy Sci-Fi. It bathes in those movie's aesthetics, the and is generally bright and colorful, fantastical in a way, something that modern space movies don't attempt, opting instead for cold and sterile realism. This movie is notable in that it is James Cameron's first credit for Art Direction. But that's about it, aside from some interesting aliens, most notably, a race of humaniods that share a common hive mind and a space "cowboy" who is the movie's sole inexplicable link to earth. Battle Beyond the Stars isn't the worst of the other movies mentioned in this review (that credit goes to Starcrash), but it is certainly the most uninspired and boring. 4/10

================= Contamination (1980)
I've been listening to the soundtrack to this for quite a few years... it's done by Goblin, one of my favorite bands. They primarily score movies with fantastic prog-rock inspired synth, which for me, are the definitive sounds of the cinema in the late 70's and early 80's. Recently, I finally tracked down the movie to accompany the soundtrack. Unfortunately the soundtrack is the absolute best thing about this terrible attempt at an alien knock off. The movie is so utterly implausible, at times incomprehensible, and at others just freaking stupid. The movie relies on a hilariously bad slow motion exploding chest gore effect, overused, and evidently the result of some sort of toxin or acid excreted by these "alien pods", who's sole purpose in the film appears to be to pulsate, emit light, a strange synth sound, and then to explode, causing anyone near them to promptly melt, scream, and explode. Our heroes are a trio: a street smart N.Y. City cop, a high ranking female army research scientist, and an alcoholic ex-astronaut. The movie plays out a bit like how I remember "Halloween 3 - Season of the Witch": it's story hinging on an overly elaborate yet inexplicably nonsensical plot for world domination by an unknown evil force. Eventually, the source of the evil and the alien pods is revealed, and it's pretty funny how the climax pays out. As bad as this movie is, it still manages to pull out many of the required stops for being watchable in the "so-bad-its-good" gauntlet category. 2/10

================= Little Monsters (1989) 8/10
Childhood favorite. Fantastic kids movie. Great soundtrack. Numerous use of the word shit. Reaches a level of greatness that kids movies these days aren't able to attain. This in more than one way is a truly great horror movie for kids... you've got the monster aspect, which may or may not be a metaphor for any sort of rebellion, be it turning to drugs, or simply running with the wrong crowd. It's also employs as a backdrop, the horror of parents going through a divorce. Some of the best dialog in the movie is heard as distant muted fights in another room, and watching it as an adult, I picked up on quite a few of the funnier lines that I was totally oblivious to as a kid. The acting isn't so great from the savage brothers and the kids in the movie... but Howie Mandel is pretty great as Maurice, and his makeup is awesome. The character of "Boy" is probably one of the creepiest villains I've ever seen committed to film. And the ending is fantastic.

================= Freeway (1996)
Freeway is a fantastic modern fairy tale. I'm a fan of practically everything Reese Witherspoon has been in. This was probably the first movie I took notice of her. Freeway came out in 1996, the same year she was in Fear with Marky Mark... and as great as Fear is, I still think that Freeway was her better movie from that year. It also features Britney Murphy for the first time playing the character she would then proceed to play for the rest of her career. It's written and directed by Matthew "Forbidden Zone" Bright. It's opening credit sequence is a series of Robert Crumb drawings. It's got an insane score by Danny Fucking Elfman and by Tito Larriva & Tarantula(the band from "From Dusk Till Dawn"). It has Keifer Southerland in one of his best roles ever. It's the blackest of pitch black comedies. It's not without it's flaws, but sometimes I think I love it even more because it's not perfect. Highly recommended. 9/10

================= Night of the Creeps (1986)
One of my favorite movies of all time. The weird fucking puppet opening sequence with the aliens and lasers and the tube full of creeps? Classic. The 1950's make-out point psycho axe-murder follow-up to that? AMAZING. It's got the perfect amount of camp, comedy, drama, classic, and modern horror, and sci-fi. It's everything I loved as a kid, and still love today. And for a movie that came out in the early-mid 80's... it sure had a hell of a lot of classic horror name dropping... just look at the character names: Chris Romero, James Carpenter Hooper, Cindy Cronenberg, Det. Ray Cameron, Det. Landis, Det. Sgt. Raimi. This. Movie. Is. Amazing. 9/10

================= The Blood of Heroes (1989)
This is a genre oddity: think Hoosiers meets Beyond the Thunderdome. It's a post apocalyptic underdog team sports movie. With a cast populated by some pretty awesome B-stars: Delroy Lindo, Rutger Hauer, Joan Chen(josie on twin peaks), & Vincent Donofrio. The action is fairly good, and once you get the dynamics of the game, it's actually fun to watch. It also has some awesome make-up effects. It does a decent job of showing you glimpses of a society slowly reassembling itself after some unnamed disaster... just enough to stimulate your imagination. But none of that really matters, what matters is the characters... and that's where this movie fails. It focuses on a fairly weak master/apprentice story, but doesn't do much else with the characters to keep you interested... and when it finally gets to the climax, it kinda falls flat, and is utterly without denument, leaving you with a vague sense of a victory larger than simply winning the game. All that being said, I don't think this is a good movie... but it's interesting and watchable. 6/10

================= Little Shop of Horrors (1986)
It's been at least 15 years since I first saw this movie. Seeing it as an adult makes me realize why I loved it as a kid. This is lackluster as a musical... but it's a fucking great story. I loved Steve Martin's introduction sequence, and his character in general. There's a lot of other fun cameo parts too. But the one reason above all to see this movie is the abso-fucking-lutely amazing puppets for "Audrey 2". I have no idea how they accomplished the articulation for this... it's better than anything that could be done with CG today. It's 100% believable. Think of the animals in tremors, but in plain sight, full view, talking singing, and interacting.... I loved it. I cannot overstate how awesome the puppet in this movie is. It lost out on an Oscar for best visual effects to Aliens... which I'm not so sure it should have. Sure, aliens had variety of different types of effects... but the pure quality of the puppetry in Little Shop has IMO, heretofore, never been exceeded. 9/10

================= The Rocker (2008)
This was a decent waste of Time. It's no masterpiece, and it's kinda tame, but I'd put it in the same class as Drillbit Taylor... it's aimed at a decidedly younger crowd than most comedies that manage to get a PG-13 these days. I wasn't a fan of the music in the movie, and it was very very hard to see Rain Wilson as anyone other than Dwight from the Office... but as a fantasy rock band story, this movie isn't bad. The drama is neither too involving, nor are the villains overly villainous. It's a light easy to digest movie. 6/10

================= Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (1994)
I liked the movie a lot, but I can understand why some people might not: No castle. No igor. Monster doesn't look anything like "Frankenstein(tm)"; those are the primary reasons it has a bad rep. But, in my opinion, it's also almost too epic. It feels like they made too many cuts to the story, cramming too much content into too little time in trying to get it down to a marketable length. It either should have been 30 minutes longer, or it should have been 2 movies. Ironically, there were also a few elements that "Bride of Reanimator" did better. Despite the above, I still think Mary Shelley's Frankenstein is a great movie... definitely underrated. 9/10

================= Righteous Kill (2008)
Opens with a montage during the credits... not a good sign. The credits however inform me of a pretty excellent cast. Pacino, De Niro, Dennehy, Leguizamo, Wahlberg... then the movie proceeds with a tape being played, oh no. The bulk of this movie is going to be told as a flashback... personal motion picture storytelling pet peeve: I hate that. But, in addition to that, it saps the movie of a lot of the mystery. The mystery which is actually kinda interesting in that it is predictable, and sort of obvious, but manages to keep you second guessing yourself until the third act. For a co-piloted by genre greats, Pacino and De Niro, their acting is terrible. The movie feels like it was made for TV. All that being said, I liked it, because I got a kick out of DeNiro and Pacino hamming the script into my face. With exchanges like this, I was powerless in the face of it's cheese:
Dennehy: "Is this case worth your badge!... Your pension!!?"
De niro: "Yeah."
Pacino: "Fah-Uck Ye-Ah!"
Overall, it's a passable cop movie. 6/10

================= Feast (2006)
In a word, this movie was "refreshing". I'm kinda jaded, since as soon as they pulled the "turn the hero cliche on it's head" ala Deep Blue Sea, I basically called every "unpredictable" element after that. Even still, this movie was the most entertaining movie I've seen in recent memory. It's pacing rivals that of "Crank"... it is nonstop action from start to finish. And in terms of plot, acting, characters, and overall fun factor, it is leagues ahead of the Jeepers Creepers and Saws that somehow manage to get theatrical releases.

The gore effects and creature designs were fantastic. FANTASTIC. This movie has buckets of blood and some very ingenious and hilarious kills. At parts this movie reminded me of Evil Aliens, but never once did it's humor get annoying like it did in Evil Aliens. Sure there was gag comedy like the creatures humping various orifaces and people getting repeatedly slimed, but most of the humor was showcased as dark comedy, as opposed to jokes for the sake of comedy.

I was trying to figure out who the bartender was, and at first I thought it was Paul Gleason from "Breakfast Club", but I realised he looked way older than he did in "Abominable"(another great creature flick)... then I realized it was good 'ol Clu Gulager, Burt of "Return of the Living Dead" fame. Nice to see he's still alive and staring in decent movies.

It kinda bugged me that there were a few things left unanswered, namely the origin of the creatures, why they hump everything's faces, and just what the fuck was crawling around underneath beerguy's skin... But I suppose those elements can be elaborated on in a sequel. The "life expectancies" freeze frames had an air of self-aware/self-referential comedy to it, and I've never really been a fan of that in any movie... but in this movie it was acceptable, as it set the tone for the movie, and saved a lot of time introducing throwaway characters. The only thing I genuinely did not like about the movie was the awkward ending. But, I suppose it's hard to satisfyingly end a movie that is essentially one big long climax.

Feast is a very refreshing fast paced creature movie that pisses in the face of cliche, but suffers from somewhat of a lackluster ending. (8/10)

================= Max Payne (2008) 8/10
On it's own, this is a decent movie. But, when you take into consideration it's source material, and other movies of this type, you start to realize that there are many non-technical, subjective ways that it comes up short.

For one, this needed to be R Rated... it needed to be a bit more like "Payback" or "Death Sentence". Second, although it's a better movie than "Hitman", it is not as good a videogame adaptation, even though the story and major plot and character points are relatively faithful to the source. There are a couple of good action sequences, but nothing that compares to even the lamest of John Woo movies. The movie has a very interesting visual style, but it drops the part about the game that I loved the most... the hard boiled Max Fucking Payne narration. Marky Mark's acting chops being a notable limiting factor in accomplishing that... which is exactly why this movie needed to star a better actor, like for instance or Edward Norton or Clive Owen, or Johnny Knoxville, or even a shaved, highly trained monkey.

Enough about what the movie should or could have been, and back to the movie as it is: I have to stress that it's not bad. Someone watching this knowing nothing about the movie's pedigree might be very pleased with it as a Action/Mystery/Revenge flick. I was certainly entertained on those levels... but in a world where you've got a movie that is based on a game that is heavily inspired by film noir, hong-kong action movies, and comicbooks, it's hard not to recognize that the movie has lost a lot of what made it's source material special. I suppose I'm conflicted in that I liked the Max Payne movie, but at the same time I was disappointed at yet another videogame adaptation that missed the mark.

I'm going to go watch Shoot 'Em Up again. Here's some quick reviews of some other movies I've watched recently:

================= My Dinner with Andre (1981)
Strange "documentary" in which two guys converse about their lives, catching up and reminiscing.
Rating: oddly compelling/Documentary?

================= Chaplin (1992)8/10
It's very well made, but also sorta boring. Robert Downey Jr. is good in this... but the movie doesn't really have much else compelling about it.

================= Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)
Really funny buddy comedy. Great story, an interesting mystery plot, with a non-standard presentation. I wasn't really a fan of the 4th wall being broke, but other than that, fantastic and funny movie. 9/10

================= Fur: an Imaginary Portrait of Dianne Arbus
Steven Shainberg, director of the 2002 S&M comedy "Secretary", brings us another movie with similar themes. Robert Downey Jr. as a retired circus freak. Nicole Kidman as a bored 50's housewife. The first half of this plays like a horror movie. 9/10

================= Eagle Eye (2008)
Meh. I predicted this movie from it's trailer. The concept is sound, and I think if it was only slightly reworked it might have been made to be a good addition to another un-named for the sake of spoiler movie franchise. It's a big dumb action movie that is often over the top implausible, but is not without a brain. 8/10

================= The Pest (1997)
Terrible Movie. One of my favorites. 4/10

================= Bangkok Dangerous (2008)
I could probably write more about this, but it's been a bit since I've seen it, and all I've got written in my notes is some doodles a the single word "Inexplicable". I've forgotten every remotely redeemable quality, and only remember a few bad to mediocre moments... and Nick Cage trying to dramatically act guilty and tortured for 85 minutes. Not good. 6/10

================= Igor (2008)
Igor is probably the worst animated film I've seen this year. It was awkward, but still entertaining. 6/10

================= Choke (2008)
It was throughly entertaining, funny, with plenty of boobs... but not as good as the book. 8/10

================= The Sasquatch Dumpling Gang (2006)
Really funny movie about friendship. Quirky characters with multiple interesting plots for each. The presentation of the story is interesting in that it backtracks showing the same events form different perspectives a few times. 8/10

================= Hank & Mike (2008)
Very odd movie about two Easter bunnies getting fired and Easter being downsized. Odd... but not good. 6/10

================= Pathology (2008)
This was actually good. It's a movie where the hero is just barely above the level of character of the villains portrayed in the movie. 8/10

================= Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat (1990)
Where the hell did they dig this up. Bruce Campbell, David Carradine... terrible. There are moments that rise above and become entertaining in a so good it's bad sort of way, but by and large this is probably worse than the other Vampire Western... Bloodrayne 2. 3/10

================= Freeway 2: Confessions of a Trick Baby (1999)
Christ this was bad... but I gotta say, I love the subject matter. I'm a huge fan of the first Freeway movie. I love these twisted modern takes on fairy tales. Injecting these classic and familiar stories with moral, racial, social, and sexual undertones makes them really interesting. 5/10

================= City of Ember (2008)
This was a decent Sci-Fi movie for kids. It leaves a lot of the set up stuff to the imagination. It's lacking quite a bit of logic, but it does have some interesting social commentary. 8/10

================= Hocus Pocus (1993)
Sarah Jessica Parker plays the prototype Carrie character from Sex and the City. Great kid's Halloween movie. 8/10

================= Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds (2008)
The first one, while not without it's flaws, was a refreshing, slimy, gore-filled, horror movie with pacing that rivaled that of Crank. It had memorable and unique monsters, a great cast of characters, a classic under siege scenario, and some memorable attempts at avoiding typical horror cliches. The second one is bloody as hell, outrageous, and almost unwatchable. Top notch gore effects, bad acting, and a terrible script. All that being said, sorta worth it for the baby scene alone. 3/10

================= Super Mario Bros (1993)
I don't agree that all video game adaptations are bad. I for one think that Mortal Kombat, Tomb Raider, Resident Evil, Doom, Silent Hill, and most recently, Max Payne are all about an 8/10 on a technical level. The problem with videogame movies is the same problem any adaptation faces, the selective dropping plots/characters/themes, and other elements that can't fit into the 2hour time slot, only videogame adaptations have the added level of lacking the interactivity that makes games what they are. Despite their quality as a film, movie versions of games can never hope to encompass everything that a game does, as they are not interactive, and thus will never fully satisfy fans of the original source material. Brent touched on this, and I completely agree.

Despite it's dubious overall quality as a film (6/10 IMO), Super Mario Bros has a coherent plot, an excellent cast, impressive sets, good music, and interesting special effects. I think Super Mario Bros is actually a bold attempt at adapting what little story there was of the original Super Mario Bros. game. They've necessarily fleshed out quite a bit, and created back story where previously there was none. The alternate dimension world depicted in the movie is interesting and original... they took an 8 bit cartoony game franchise and brought it to life in live action without the use of animation or excessive computer generated effects. Now does it really make sense that Dinosaurs and Fungus co-evolved into very mammalian looking humanoids? Does it make sense that Koopaland seems a lot more like some oddball alternate NYC future? Does it make sense that they all speak English? No. No. and No. And yes, those are detriments. But whatever. It's a B-level script, a movie aimed at kids, and I accept that.

There are enough cool little nods to the game, and Nintendo in general for this movie to please me. I liked seeing an army of "goombas" carrying superscopes. I liked seeing the insane reaction to the bomb-om. I completely agree that the Yoshi dinosaur is more real than anything that would have been done today. And, as cheesy as it was, I actually liked the de-evolved Dennis Hopper Koopa effect. I also thought the depiction of the wrecked World Trade Center towers was notable.

Am I the only one who would absolutely love for the producers and participants in this movie to follow through on the sequel that was so cheesily set up at the end of this movie? Imagine, blockbuster summer movie of 2010: a fatter, older Bob Hoskins riding on the back of a fully grown Yoshi, eating mushrooms and stars, John Leguizamo sticking a feather in his cap, and flying into the sky to once again save the mushroom kingdom from the clutches of the evil Dennis Hopper. Don't lie. You, like me would be in line on opening day.6/10

================= River's Edge (1986)
This is a really great drama. Watching it I was sort of reminded of other movies like Gummo, Out of the Blue, and Paranoid Park. Like those movies, River's Edge isn't primarily a horror movie, but it definitely employs more than a few horror elements. In many ways it felt to me like a distant cousin of Twin Peaks. Now, some who watch this movie might say that Crispin Glover's performance was a detriment, but I think that he was actually very good at acting like a character who is himself acting. Its sort of annoying but it works, because I believe that's the exact traits the character was supposed to have. Keanu Reeves is also pretty good as an introverted slacker. But the star performance of this movie would have to be the detestable little kid who played the child-vampire in "Near Dark". Recommended because there's nothing quite like it. 9/10

================= Popcorn (1991)
This is wacky. It's very giallo-like in story structure, but has an added self conscious cheese factor that Argento and Bava's movies lack. It's got some great kills, and a memorable villain. The movies with the movie are all top notch productions, and overall it's just very fun to watch. Not a good movie... but entertaining if you're a horror movie geek. 6/10

================= Get Thrashed (2008)
Awesome documentary about the rise of Trash Metal. Interviews with tons of people, but focusing on the Big 5: Metallica, Megadeth, Exodus, Slayer, & Anthrax. If you're into Metal, see it.

================= Frag (2008)
Documentary about professional Cyber-Athletes and the big business that exploits them. Very informative. If you're into pro-gaming, see it.

================= Zack & Miri Make a Porno (2008)
I liked Zack and Miri, but I found it to be entirely too contrived. I mean, it's good if all you're looking for in a movie is something that's going to play out exactly how you imagine it is going to play out based on the title and the first 5 minutes of the movie... but it's lacking a certain something. I like Clerks 2 more. It's a lot more unpredictable, and as such has more entertainment value for me. Both are good, and cover similar subject matter... but Clerks 2 is the better movie IMO... Even if Rosario Dawson going for Brian O'Halloran is slightly less plausible than Elizabeth Banks going for Seth Rogen. 8/10

================= The Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust (2008)
Bad. On the cusp of being so bad it's good. But not quite there. It's just bad. Unlike the original, which was also terrible, it lacked the Gary Busey factor, and I think that cheapened it. It lacked memorable characters like the Butcher Baker, and the Climax was utterly inexplicable. 2/10

================= Futurama: Bender's Game (2008)
I think this was the worst of the 3 new movies so far. It tried too hard, and came up short. There were far too many jokes/references simply for the sake of making them, and not nearly enough story to support it all. I gotta say though, I loved the yellow submarine intro. 8/10

================= Role Models (2008)
Really well done. Like Bad Santa, it is somewhat of a family movie, despite the swearing, nudity, sex, and drugs. The movie has a great cast, right down to every single one of the supporting actors, many of whom you'll recognize from movies like Wet Hot American Summer, Superbad, and shows like Stella & Reno 911! Every single scene with Jane Lynch had me cracking up. Role Models is a heart warming tale about personal growth, with a surprisingly large focus on LARPing. 8/10

================= REC (2008) 8/10

================= Quantum of Solace (2008) 8/10

================= How to Lose Friends and Alienate People (2008) 8/10

================= Let the Right One In (2008) 9/10

================= Madagascar 2 (2008) 9/10

================= The Fall (2006) 10/10

================= W. (2008) 8/10

================= Bolt in 3D (2008)
So yeah, it was awesome. The opening sequence alone was worth the price of admission. That there's a pretty entertaining kid's movie that follows is a total bonus. All movies should have their credits flow out to a duet with Miley Cyrus and John Travolta. Wait... no, that's not right. What I meant to say was that all movies should be in Digital 3D. 9/10

================= Four Christmases (2008) 8/10

================= Pump Up the Volume (1990) 8/10

================= Todd Browning's Freaks (1932) 6/10

================= Space Chimps (2008)
This was not good. I'm a huge fan of CG cartoons, and this one just misses the mark on just about every level. To start, the quality of the animation is very uneven. Compared to the bigger studios offerings, the worlds depicted seem empty and plastic. And the character design of the aliens is terrible. But that's the least of this movie's problems. It might have been able to rise above it's technical limitations had it been well written. As it stands, the plot was lame, the characters flimsy, the attempts at humor unfunny, and to top it off, the movie is devoid of any discernible moral aside from humankind are douchebags... which now that I think of it, is a pretty good moral... but they don't sell it, and it doesn't work in this movie. Maybe I'm spoiled, having seen so many other good CG movies this year, like Kung-Fu Panda, Wall-E, Madagascar 2, & Bolt... but no, I'm not spoiled. They managed to get competent voice actors. Now give them something competent or worthwhile to say. There's no excuse for such an uninspired crap script. 5/10

================= My Name is Bruce (2007)
I'm a Bruce Campbell fan... but this didn't do it for me. There's the possibility of a good movie being made of this concept... and I know that Bruce Campbell has the writing chops to put something better together... so maybe next time round he should write the script, and leave the direction to someone else. Still, this movie presumably accomplishes exactly what it set out to do. It doesn't take itself seriously, in addition to being the exact type of B-movie it refers to, it is a satirical self conscious commentary on what it's like to be Bruce Campbell. I hope he had a lot of fun making it... because I didn't have all that much fun watching it. The highlight for me as always, was the many Ted Raimi characters. Love that guy. 4/10

================= Transporter 3 (2008)
The worst of the series, admittedly mediocre... but still entertaining. The editing for the action and fighting sequences wasn't completely offensive to the eyeballs (although the editing in the scene transitions was terrible). Still, I liked it a lot. It's ridiculous and over the top, but that's what makes me like it. There's more than a few occasions where our hero, The Transporter, performs impossible or logic defying feats, equivalent to say, seeing through buildings or levitating a tonne of steel through sheer force of will. Add that to the typical action movie staples of the hero being immune to machine gun fire, and extend that particular aspect to the hero's car, and you've got Transporter 3 in a nutshell.
The plot is not quite as diabolical as the one in the second part, but it's at least on par with the latest Bond movie's real estate scam (with the accompanying ecological social message to boot). The main villain, played by Robert Knepper, is reminiscent of other genre greats, like Stephen McHattie with a touch of John Glover. His face alone sells him as a viable villain, and it helps that he is also one of the actors in this movie who can actually act.
This time around, the Transporter's female companion is a genuine ginger, a freckled Ukrainian sexpot who's every line in the movie is delivered in broken english, at times reminded me of Mila Jovovich in the 5th element. The movie revolves around the concept of a Running-man like piece of jewelry that prevents the transporter from moving too far away from his car, by penalty of a prompt fatal explosion. Again... this is not a good movie. But it's a fun movie. 6/10

================= A Decade Under the Influence (2003)
A great Documentary about what is quite possibly the absolute best era of film.

================= Screwed (2000)
This is a pretty bad Norm MacDonald movie. Dave Chappelle and Danny DeVito make it watchable. 6/10

================= True Romance - The Tarantino Cut(1993)
A different, non-chronological cut of the film, which was good, aside from the ending... of which I preferred the theatrical. Unnecessary. 8/10

================= Hamlet 2 (2008)
A passable, and ultimately forgettable comedy. 6/10

================= The Day The Earth Stood Still (2008)
A faithful remake updated with themes a modern audience can identify with. Technically about as good as the Nicole Kidman Bodysnatchers remake... but unlike "Invasion", tDtESS wasn't all that entertaining or compelling as a story at all... and the child actor sorta ruined it. 8/10

================= Snuff: A Documentary about Killing on Camera (2008)
An interesting idea for a documentary... not executed half as well as it could have been. There are lots of interviews with people who have absolutely no significance as an interviewee. I'd like to have seen interviews with celebrities or notable writers, as opposed to complete nobodies.

================= Batman Returns (1992)
This is great. I much prefer Burton's Gotham city to Nolan's. Sure it's not as "real"... but that's exactly what makes the Tim Burton Batman movies great. There's this 1930's classic yet futuristic and timeless feel to everything... it makes the movie timeless, whereas I'm sure the Nolan Batmans will be somewhat dated when they're 20 years old. The Danny Elfman score is absolutely phenomenally iconic. I can't think Batman without thinking of his Batman theme. 8/10

================= Ghost Town (2008)
A passable comedy, which I have already forgotten. 6/10

================= Elf (2003)
Great for kids at Christmas time. Or if you like Zooey Deschanel singing on screen. 8/10

================= Bad Santa (2003)
A fantastic Christmas movie. One of my favorites. 10/10

================= Resident Evil: Degeneration
Surprisingly good CG cartoon. Its like one big long cut scene. Totally climactical! 8/10

================= S.F.W. (1994)
Lame movie from the arguably the worst decade for movies. Tobey Maguire was in this for 30 seconds though as an entertaining pothead caricature. 5/10

================= Milk (2008)
This movie is totally gay. It's a well made film, excellently acted on all parts, pretty much everything about it was top notch. It overcame some of the more serious ailments of biopicitis, in that it skips the boring "when they were nobodies" part of the story, but suffered from the common trait of the viewer knowing exactly how it's going to end. Normally that's not a problem... but in this movie's case it is since they rub in that part by unnecessarily starting the movie with a news broadcast of the ending, and then decide to have the story be told as a series of chronologically presented flashbacks supposedly dictated into a tape recorder prior to the ending. 9/10

================= The Visitor (2008)
A good movie, but somewhat boring and forgettable. 8/10

================= Yes Man (2008)
Gimmicky, Formulaic, Predictable... and yet not bad. Good if you like movies like Liar Liar, or Shallow Hal. Or if you like Zooey Deschanel singing on screen. 8/10

================= Gran Torino (2008)
Awesome and hilarious. Clint Eastwood is a fucking bad ass. This is a movie that Liz will surely love. 9/10

================= Frog Dreaming/The Quest/Go-Kids (1986)
I saw this movie when I was very young and have had dreams about it ever since. As a child I found it extremely involving. It stimulated my imagination and creativity to no end. It appealed to me on a horror movie level... which was part of why I had trouble tracking it down in my adult years. I could remember nothing about it aside from it's plot... The funny part is, that I only tracked this movie down based on an article on io9 about people having the same problem: http://io9.com/5115134/what-is-the-name-of-a-movie-where-two-boys-find-a-monster-in-their-school-toilet
Anyways, the movie doesn't really hold up. I can see why I liked it as a child, but it's paced very poorly, doesn't really have much in the way of character development or plot, and is entirely too Australian... but it is one of those rare movies that I saw only once, and yet had the ability to capture my imagination on and off for over 20 years. 6/10

================= The Wrestler (2008)
The Wrestler... it's fucking perfect. Rourke's best role, and Aronofsky's best movie. I doubt it will even get nominated by the Academy for a number of reasons... but it definitely deserves to. It's so well executed, so dead on, so goddamn touching... it's one of the best, and my favorite of all the films I've seen this year. Go see it if you can. The Wrestler succeeds in conveying the story of a genuine American tragedy by being extremely well written, acted, and exemplary on all technical levels.

The way the movie parallels Pam and Ram, the way they are both at a point in their lives where they are evaluating their chosen profession, and ultimately making a choice about who they really are and what defines them is fucking beautiful. The scene where Ram walks around "backstage" of the deli, eventually emerging as the soundtrack slowly ramps up the sounds of the non-existant crowd was pitch fucking perfect. And the attention to detail this movie has is astounding. It nails the essence of the indie wrestling circuit.

I can understand the people who might not get this movie. Perhaps to fully appreciate it, you have to be a certain age and possess a certain cultural point of view. Maybe you have to have idolized Hacksaw Jim, Macho Man, Bret Hart, Ultimate Warrior, Jake the Snake, and Rowdy Roddy.

...but even if you're not a fan of all that; even if you're not familiar with the long list of indie and pro wrestlers who've been consumed by their trade, achieved stardom, and squandered it, or weren't quite smart enough, or didn't have a good enough agent to land movie careers, and instead ended up dying alone in a motel room ODing on crack or meth... even if you're not aware of the trend of pro wrestlers who die before the age of 50... you should still be able to appreciate the tragedy in this movie.

The Wrestler is the best movie of 2008. 10/10

================= The Go-Getter (2007) - Decent indie coming of age/road movie. Zooey Dechanel as always, is captivating. 8/10

================= Encounters at the End of the World (2007) - I love Werner Herzog's documentaries the best.

================= Religulous (2008) - Bill Maher's Michael Moore style documentary. Speaking as an atheist, this is merely alright.

================= Frost Nixon (2008) - It's a great tale of two titans clashing, eccentricities, vulnerabilities, but the movie lacks scope, and provides very little more than the actual Watergate interviews. 8/10

================= In the Electric Mist (2008) - 8/10 Tommy Lee Jones as law enforcement? ...as if that could ever work in a movie.

================= The Last Temptation of Christ (1988) - Interesting take on the story. Willem Dafoe is my personal jesus. 6/10

================= Primal Fear (1996) - Excellent crime drama/courtroom thriller. Edward Norton is fantastic. 9/10

================= Shred (2008) - In the vein of Ski School, plus a modern take of Jackass. Poor Tom Green. Turned it off halfway through. AVOID.

================= Tank Girl (1995) - This is one of those 90's movies that are so mediocre, they should be forgotten... but I can't. I just love it. 6/10

================= Fight Club (1999) - Virtually flawless. Great adaptation. Excellent cast. One of my favorite movies. 10/10

================= A Complete History Of My Sexual Failures (2008) - A documentary about an unstable self obsessed bloke who is terrible with women. Surprisingly funny!

================= Changeling (2008) - Excellent period piece. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wineville_Chicken_Coop_Murders Amazing true story. Very very good. 9/10

================= The Apartment (1960) - Watched this in preparation for watching Mad Men and Revolutionary Road. Must have been edgy for it's time. 8/10

================= The Irrefutable Truth About Demons (2000) - Odd little horror/thriller. Boldly tries to go places, but falls short. 6/10

================= Lakeview Terrace (2008) - Passable thriller with racial social commentary... ultimately it's just popcorn. 8/10

================= Seven Pounds (2008) - Oscar Bait. Might have been good if it didn't open with the ending. 8/10

================= Deception (2008) - Feels like a movie that should have starred Michael Douglass in the late 80's. Predictable thriller. 6/10

================= Body of Lies (2008) - The politics of espionage. Interesting view into the strategy and tactics involved in intelligence gathering. Kinda boring too. 8/10

July & August

2008-09-04T00:59:00.003-04:00

================== Kung Fu Panda (2008)
Great fun! An awesome childhood story. 9/10

================== The Happening (2008)
Heavy handed and preachy. Lame. Unintentionally funny. Suspenseful. All that being said, it is not bad. But it's far from good. 6/10

================== The Incredible Hulk (2008)
I loved how it took all of 2 minutes to spin the Hulk's origin story. Cheap and efficient. I loved when the score hit the Hulk TV show hook. I loved CG scenes didn't look nearly as cheap as they did in the trailer. Stan Lee's cameo needed a CG transformation scene in order to be complete. The best part of the movie for me was when Tim Roth super soldier was fighting the Hulk. His agility in those scenes reminded me of Deadpool. However, I wasn't really a fan of the Blonsky character. He was far too underdeveloped. And I think they over villainized Ross instead of just portraying him as a misguided dick. The Tony Stark ending should have come after the credits... The stronger part to "end" the movie was the zero days sequence. I loved the "Leader" sequel setup. This was good... not quite as good all around as Iron Man, but it's close. 9/10

================== Son of Rambow (2007)
Decent tale of friendship and imagination. I liked how the movie treated every single character, and payed them the proper respect of actually being developed. I was very surprised when the scarecrow made its appearance. At times I was somewhat reminded of Bridge to Terabithia. Overall, I really liked it. But it's not something I'd watch twice. 9/10

================== Wall-E (2008)
I had some questions about the motivation of humans to return to earth, how they'd deal with the massive storms, and things like the origin of Wall-E's sentience or his personality, like his collecting tendency. But these questions remaining I think, are good things. Great kids movie. Great grown-up movie. This is my favorite Pixar movie. 10/10

================== The Cable Guy (1996)
I've always loved this movie. I still do. It's a super awesome dark comedy. One of my favorite movies of the 1990's. 9/10

================== Hancock (2008)
I was fine with the movie leaving the origin issue to be explained by a few lines. I loved the ambiguity of the "We were built." thing. Be they robots designed by aliens, or be they angels designed by gods? It's a good question that I'm glad is left unanswered. But the climax of this movie, and it's villains are kinda lame. The tonal shift this movie undergoes halfway through is too much for me. All levity and comedy seemed to be beaten right out of it. It could have been a great movie, instead it's merely good. 8/10

================== Drowning Mona (2000)
Muder Mystery dark comedy, well written, and played by an excellent cast. 9/10

================== Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
Ugh. This movie has not grown on me. I still pretty much hate everything but the first 15 minutes. The second time they remade this movie was the better film. If they had taken the first 15 minute sequence of this movie, and replaced the first 15 minutes of the TCM: the beginning, together you'd have a seriously great remake. 6/10

================== Mimic (1997)
This is a fantastic Sci-Fi/Horror creature movie. It mixes genres so very well at first that you almost think you're watching a slasher film. It's got an excellent cast, a great director, and fucking SUPERB visual effects. This is absolutely without a doubt an underrated gem. 8/10

================== Young People Fucking (2008)
I pronounced "F*&king" as "Fucking" when I bought the tickets at the box office. First time I've ever seen a movie at a theatre with profanity in it's title. The movie was basically as it's name suggested. There was no full frontal nudity, and about an equal amount of men's butts as there were women's breasts. My date and I made a friendly bet before seeing the movie: I said there would be more males nude, she said more females would be nude. In the end we were tied. However, she claims to have won, since tits had slightly more screen time than the hairless male asses. The terms of the friendly bet were for the number of characters showing nudity, not number of instances or the total duration of the instances. Rule of Womanology: never leave anything open to interpretation or any 'wiggle room' when entering into any sort of bet with a woman. ;) Back to the movie: it wasn't porn; it was essentially 6 separate stories showcasing various levels and stages of human intimacy, all involving some level of intercourse. All things considered, it was no more risqué than any of the first 3 American Pie movies. Not great, but also not bad. 8/10

================== Intermission (2003)
Intermission is the story of a number of Irish characters played by big name irish actors, who's lives intermix and mingle in interesting ways, set to the loose backdrops of a cop and caper, and relationship dramas. It was pretty funny, well acted, and very entertaining. 8/10

================== Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D (2008)
I was so very excited for this... the "Real D", Disney Digital 3D is perhaps the best thing ever invented in the history of cinema. I had been excited for this movie release since last October, when I saw "The Nightmare Before Christmas" using the same 3D technology. Before that movie played the trailer for Journey 3D, and it caused me to shit my pants, figuratively speaking. The 3D was so real, and so well done, I vowed to myself all those months ago that I absolutely would see this movie. And we did. And, I must say, it was a terrible experience.

I'm not sure what is involved in calibrating the "real-D" 3D system, but everything in my left eye was doubled. And same with Jen. It made the 3D terribly poor looking, and made all other sequences hard to watch. I thought maybe it was because we were too close to the screen, so about 20 minutes into the movie Jen and I moved from near middle of the theatre to a slightly right of center, and a few rows in front of the last. Jen said it improved the situation slightly for her, but it was still terrible for me. This was nothing compared to the quality of Nightmare 3D. I ended up just covering my left eye for a large portion of the movie, and watched it as a regular, albeit a bit dim movie. So the 3D experience sucked, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't just me that thought so. I almost complained to get a refund... but my 8 months of anticipation and excitement thoroughly deflated, I was too disappointed and defeated to do so.

As for the movie itself, it was directed by a first time feature film director, who had only previously directed the short films for Disney theme park rides. The movie's "plot" played out almost exactly like 4 or 5 of those ride movies strung together. The characters in this three dimensional movie, were not even two-dimensional. But assuming that this was a freak instance of poor 3D, the movie actually succeeds at what it sets out to do: be a thrill ride aimed at children, with throwbacks and nods to the Jules Verne classic. It hits all the categories necessary for a film aimed at kids, but excels in precisely none of them. Wall-E this ain't. 5/10

================== Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)
Saw this the opening day, same as Journey 3D, right afterwards, at a theatre on about 5 blocks away from the first. Short review: The movie was awesome. Long review: It was fantastic and funny. It had great characters with development and depth. It's action sequences were stellar. The choreography, simply amazing. The pacing kept me enthralled throughout. It's multiple themes and socially conscious subtexts were thought provoking and even somewhat profound. And it was funny! It efficiently cut out the fat of it's predecessor while continuing character arcs established in the first, and was without a doubt, a sequel that met and surpassed the original in every category. I loved it. I have some minor quibbles about Hellboy's desire to be known by the world, but seeing as that theme was a continuation of the first movie, and that it actually played well to the villains motivation of wanting to punish the humans for not being capable of being happy with their station in life... it sorta worked. Another quibble would be that the soundtrack felt a bit too subtle for an Elfman score, let alone a superhero movie score... but nothing that was really a serious detriment to the movie. Above all, this is a visually stunning film, probably the best realization of a comic-book world I've seen to date. If you liked the first, this will not disappoint. 9/10

================== Wanted (2008)
Holy crap. I'm glad I saw this about a month after it came out. This movie is brutal. I've never read the comic at all, so the only thing I can think of in describing it's story, are comparisons to the Matrix. A magical loom that prints binary death notes? People with powers that "bend" the rules of physics? Hell, this could have been a matrix sequel. There were a couple twists I didn't see coming. But overall the plot was somewhat juvenile and ultimately predictable. I liked the fight-clubby nature of the first act, but after that, the voice over narration was uneven. It's gratuitous use of slow motion actually manages to work to great effect. The script could have used a bit of work in the 3rd act. Overall, this is very well made and entertaining popcorn that is not without it's flaws.8/10

================== Ferris Beuller's Day Off (1986)
I've always loved this movie, even if I've always shat it's insistence on continuously breaking the fourth wall. I still hate the part at the end where Ferris tells us to go home. But, overall I think the technique works well with the story to make Ferris feel like he is "our buddy", something that is consistent with the way every other character in the movie eventually feels toward him. This is a nice light 80's comedy. 10/10

================== Batman Gotham Knight (2008)
Some of the stories were interesting, and I liked the different takes on Batman. 8/10

================== Mad Max: Beyond the Thunderdome (1985)
Oh glorious trash. Worst of the Mad Max trilogy. Kind of really annoying at parts. But still fun to watch. 6/10

================== Batman: Dark Knight - 10/10 (2008)

================== Gonzo: The Life and Times of Hunter S. Thompson
Informative, but not as fun as "breakfast with".

================== Step Brothers (2008)
Step Brothers was marginally better than Blades of Glory and Semi-Pro. You will notice that pretty much every scene in Stepbrothers that is in the trailer has alternate dialog in the actual movie. The whole movie basically felt like second rate ad-lib'd dialog, not quite up to the caliber present in movies like Anchorman. So, if Anchorman is a 9/10, Walk Hard is 10/10, Blades of Glory is a 5/10, Semi-Pro a 6/10, and Talladega Nights is barely an 8/10, then that would put Step Brothers around an 8/10 as well. But, unlike Talladega Knights, I actually liked Step Brothers. Make no mistake, it's just as stupid if not more, and actors/characters don't play off each other quite as well... but as a story, it works. If you're at all Familiar with John C. Reilly or Will Farrell, you've seen everything this movie has to offer you, and more. If you're not, then you're better off just watching Walk Hard or Anchorman again. Step Brothers is not bad as a throwaway comedy to waste time on. 8/10

================== Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (2008)
It was a decent gross out horror comedy. Robert Englund has a fucking fantastic role. The movie had some fucking phenomenal traditional effects for the creatures. It's writing was a bit uninspired and I think it seriously could have used some nice one-liners... but as it stands it was really entertaining. It's a total B movie. Kind of a cross between Evil Dead and Slither. Recommended for monster movie lovers or B-movie connoisseurs. 8/10

================== Starship Troopers 3: Marauder (2008)
Bad to Medium special effects. Bad sets. Bad Soundtrack. Bad Acting. Bad dialogue... blunt force political/social commentary... but, surprisingly... a pretty good plot. It takes the universe established in the first and movie, builds on it, and moves it more towards the direction of the Starship Trooper books. It ignores all of the crap that happened in the second installment, which is good... but it seems to have forgotten a few of the things that happened in the first... which is bad. Despite it's many flaws, I was actually entertained by this movie. If Starship Troopers was a 9/10, Hero of the Federation a 3/10, then Marauder, is a 5/10.

================== Just Buried (2008)
This was borderline insufferable. I'm sure it was trying to be a dark comedy, combined with some sort of morality tale... but it fails badly at both. The acting is alright, in a distinctly and 'overtly canadian' sense, and there's a spark of something interesting in most of the characters present... but the movie doesn't really do anything interesting with them. From about halfway through, all the good shocks are used up, and the plot becomes very predictable. If there is any humor at all in, it comes off as a blacker than black comedy reminiscent of a cross between "So I Married an Axe Murderer" and something quirky like Drowning Mona", only not good like either of those. This movie's high point are a couple of pretty cool gore set pieces. But alas, too many words have been spent on this movie. It simply doesn't work, and it's not good. 6/10

================== The Ruins (2008)
It's a throwaway horror flick, pretty much what Roger Ebert would call your standard "dead teenager movie", encompassing all the cliches and archetypes that accompany that label... but it's better than the vast majority of movies that fit that description. I was actually sort of surprised by this one. It's straight up brutal survival horror... it has some super intense scenes, and is driven by an original monster/killer/antagonist. The acting is great, the film is beautifully shot and lit, and it is paced very well. It also has some pretty awesome special effects, both CGI and traditional. The bottom line is that it is genuinely creepy, and worth a watch IMO. 8/10

================== The Mummy 3: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008)
I liked the first entry to this series. About all I can remember of the second one was that it sucked, and it's loose spin off "The Scorpion King" was merely O.K. in a "I get a kick out of Conan-type movies" sort of way. Compared to the first, the Mummy 3 trades off memorability in it's characters for larger action sequences. Being the 3rd entry to this series, this is somewhat forgivable as most of the characters are already developed. The movie still suffers though as it seems as though they have less to do as characters and more to do as props, and this unfortunately also goes for the new characters introduced.

This movie knows what it is, and as such, carries with it a level of self awareness. There is even one scene where the new actress playing Evelyn addresses the audience, almost winking, and says "I'm an entirely different person", poking fun at the obvious point her character has been recast. It was cool seeing Jet Li as the Emperor, and as a villain. But that's really all he was, the villain. Unlike the first Mummy movie, where they treat the mummy as an actual character with identifiable motivations, the movie does very little to develop The Dragon Emperor as anything but the antagonist for the action set pieces. But Jet Li is good, he somehow makes the few scenes he was given work, his villainous sneers and smirks work well in portraying a one-dimensional popcorn villain... I felt the movie would have been much stronger if he had more screen time than his CG counterpart.

The martial arts and sword fighting sequences were filmed in a typically Hollywood style with far too many cuts and closeups. The action would have benefited from pulling the camera back a bit to see more of the action. There are a few points about the plot where you find yourself asking questions that simply can't be answered, but the movie's plot is the kind you're not supposed to think about, but instead are just supposed to sit back, relax, suspend your disbelief, and enjoy the ride. If you are able to do this, there are a few parts in the movie that will have you cheering. [hide]YETII![/hide]

It would have been a lot better if there were 15-20 minutes more character development and exposition, but that would have put the movie over the 2 hour mark, and it's pacing might have suffered, and it's box office definitely would have. As it is, the Mummy 3 hits it's mark as being mass market (barely) digestible popcorn. The movie's story plays as somewhat of a cross between Dragon Wars and Indiana Jones 4, and with respect to quality, it falls somewhere in between... although is admittedly closer to the Indiana Jones 4 end of the spectrum. The movie is what I would call "well made mediocrity". It managed to entertain me. If the Mummy 1 was 8/10, Dragon Wars: D-War was 5/10, Indiana Jones 4 was 6/10, then I would have to peg The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor at 6/10.

================== Baby Mama (2008)
It had a great cast, some interesting characters, and a relatively unpredictable story with a couple of original subplots. Some revelations in the last act were somewhat disturbing given the events of the first two acts, and I wasn't a fan of the Hollywood ending. I definitely wasn't the target audience, as I am not a 35 year old single woman with a ticking biological clock, but this was still a decent comedy. 8/10

================== You Don't Mess with the Zohan (2008)
Holy fuck what a bunch of shit. Why the fuck was John Tuturro in this? And co-written by Judd Apatow!? I am not exaggerating when I state that being in this movie was a bad career decision for Rob Schneider. I saw this in a grindhouse as part of a double feature, after Get Smart. I fought back the urge to walk out on this movie numerous times. The only reason I stayed at all is because of some OCD type sickness I have, whereby I simply must finish a movie once started, no matter how bad. This movie is FUCKING TERRIBLE. It's supremely juvenile, but it's not really a movie for children. Surely this movie can only appeal to morons and retards. In my opinion, it literally has nothing for anyone who doesn't fit that description, and I am someone who has generally been pleased by almost every Adam Sandler movie to date. All that being said, I think this movie really has a chance of ending the ongoing dispute between the Israelis and the Palestinians, in that if they all sit down and watch this movie together, they will quit trying to kill each other, and simply decide to kill THEMSELVES. 3/10

================== Get Smart (2008)
Funny, but mediocre. The plot was very cookie cutter, totally predictable, and there was no sense of urgency, despite the use of a "ticking clock" type plot device. The villains were never really fleshed out. If you weren't familiar with the series from the 60's, you'd have no clue who or what CONTROL and KAOS were. Steve Carrell was good as Maxwell Smart, but had zero chemistry with Anne Hathaway, who was also good, but was consequently was too young for this role. You really do need to be a fan of the original show for this to be watchable, there are just too many spots where you are left to fill in required blanks yourself. 6/10

================== Meet Dave (2008)
Eddie Murphy in Eddie Murphy in Meet Dave. What you've heard is true, yes this is an Eddie Murphy movie, and yes it is good. The special effects are really good. The plot is great Sci-Fi, in that it is both fantastical and contains a decent level of poignant and yet timeless social commentary. There was a bit of a problem for me in that certain plot details seemed left out, and the human characters weren't really fleshed out as much as they should have been. If the movie had been 10 minutes longer, it could have easily done both of those things. Meet Dave is entertaining, funny, and it contains a good moral. It reminded me of the quality of movies I watched as a kid, stuff like Short Circuit, Cocoon, and Inner Space, and at certain points I was reminded of modern stuff like Galaxy Quest... Meet Dave is highly enjoyable light sci-fi comedy. 8/10

================== Pineapple Express (2008)
Stoner buddy comedy for the first two thirds comedy action for the last. The funnest parts of the movie are the pot heads doing pot head things, like being paranoid, acting on dumb ideas, and making observations about everyday things. Watching their paranoia and their pothead ingenuity actually pay off was great. The best parts of the movie however were the Rogen and Franco banter. To me, the movie felt like a cross between Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny, and Hot Fuzz, and was on par with both those movies. 8/10

================== Lost Boys 2: The Tribe (2008)
What a piece of shit. Pretty good gore... but overused. Terrible acting. Stupid plot. Bad music. Bad lighting. Bad editing. All of the best lines in this movie are Feldman aping his performance and dialog from 20 years ago. The "second ending" to this movie, proposes in my mind what would have been an infinitely better movie. In between this garbage movie and the original decent film, what happened with Sam and what happened to Alan Frog? The answers to these simple questions are a better script than the one this movie used. 4/10

================== Tropic Thunder (2008)
As good as Jack Black was... he was the weakest link IMO. Robert Downey Jr. was fantastic. Practically every character had an arc and something to overcome. The parody of actors, agents, directors, and producers, and the film industry was perfect. And the scenes mocking Platoon and Apocalypse Now were also fucking phenomenal. The great cameos also helped. Everything about this movie was top notch. I'd personally give it a 9/10.

================== The Wackness (2008)
The movie is well made and has an indie ennui feeling theme to it... which is code for it being pretty boring. It's well made, but I did not like it. It's essentially two coming of age tales overlapped. One man reaching adulthood, and another reaching old age. I don't think this movie knew what it wanted to be, a comedy or a drama. It didn't quite succeed at either. I'm assuming it's based on a true story, because otherwise it's just pointless as a 1990's period piece, in which the plot can weave ever-so-important references to lame 90's rap. For no particular reason at all, during this movie I had the impulse to instead be watching "Hackers". I would advise anyone else considering watching "the Wackness", to do that instead. 8/10

================== Felon (2008)
Stephen Dorff goes to prison. This was a pretty decent story about how the judicial system and penal system screws one man. It's also about corruption and evil of outwardly ordinary men. It's got Val Kilmer with a terrible fake Goatee... but he plays a pretty awesome prison bad-ass and is nigh-unrecognizable. The movie is low budget and it shows, but it's story keeps you entertained. There are much better prison movies out there, Cool Hand Luke, An Innocent Man, Story of Ricky, Shawshank, Lock Up, Death Warrant, In Hell, to name a few... but if you've already seen those and still want to get your prison fix, give this one a go. 6/10

================== Big Stan (2007)
Rob Schneider goes to prison. But unlike Stephen Dorff in Felon, he has 6 months to train himself to be an invincible martial artist. The movie is juvenile and predictable, and the bulk of the 'comedy' comes from prison rape and gay jokes. There is an easy way to make a prison comedy, all one has to do to look for inspiration is watch any one of the movies listed in my Felon review. This movie did not seem to do that. Some of the fighting scenes were very well done, others, not so much. Somehow both David Caradine and Jennifer Morrison (Cameron on HouseM.D.) agreed to be in this, and while it might have been good for some quick money, it certainly won't be something they'll be wanting on their resumes. But, the movie isn't all bad, it's better than crap like "Meet the Zohan" and "The Love Guru"... but not by much. If you're looking for a prison comedy, watch "Let's Go To Prison" instead. 4/10

================== The X Files: I Want to Believe (2008)
I wanted to like this... but it's story would barely make a good 45 minute episode, let alone an acceptable story for a feature length movie. Aside from being too "small" in scope compared to the stake of the first movie, this movie has a few other problems. Namely bad supporting characters, underdeveloped almost non-existant villains, and superficial attempts at unsettling the viewer by killing off characters (which might have worked out positively, had the characters been sufficiently developed enough to have ANY emotional attachment). The whole sub-plot involving Scully's loss of faith was dramatically vacant. While I'm sure some people might like where this takes Mulder and Scully... in my opinion this movie ruins a whole lot of what the series built up. The best part of this movie is Billy Connelly's character, it's a shame everything else about this movie was so utterly mediocre. 6/10

================== Mirrors (2008)
I'm not generally a fan of ghost stories, and this is no an exception to that. At times in his performance, Kiefer appears to be channeling Keanu. This movie is very formulaic, and strikes me as entirely too "the ring"-like. It has one great gore scene, and a lot of bad CG. Theres no real explanation given as to why the things that are happening are happening... not that that is a requirement or anything... but unlike movies like Ghostbusters & the Frighteners, this movie seems to invent it's own rules and not really set any boundaries as to what can and can't happen in the movie universe. It simply doesn't work as well as Poltergeist, because it's totally gimmicky, and yet it seemingly breaks it's own gimmicky rules multiple times. There are a few jump scares scattered approximately every 15 minutes throughout the movie's run time, a lot of cleavage shots, a wet t-shirt, amy smart's naked ass, a nunduction, a couple grizzly deaths, and a pretty creepy soundtrack... but the movie is not good. 6/10

================== Young Einstein (1988)
I loved this movie as a kid... but watching it now, it was really fucking hard to get through. For those who aren't familiar with Yahoo Serious, he's somewhat like the Australian Carrot Top in appearance, but has managed to make somewhat wholesome adventure comedies. His latest movie "Mr. Accident" is actually a fairly well done film. In Young Einstein, Mr. Serious portrays a young Tasmanian Albert Einstein, who while trying to patent his process for creating bubbles in beer (by splitting the beer atom), discovers rock music, relativity, surfing, and bangs Marie Curie. The movie is aparently intentionally historically innacurate. It has numerous characters with the namesake of famous scientists... making you think maybe this is something other than a lame brained comedy... but that's what it is. It's really freaking dumb... but I loved it as a child. 4/10

================== Independence Day (1996)
This is fantastic. It's got a great cast of characters. I found the special effects to be really fucking good, despite using old technology. It stands as and example of the height of that particular type of special effect. I think if they had opted to use more CG effects, the movie might not have aged as well.

There are quite a few funny lines. For example, the president, played by Bill Pulman, while looking at 3 dead aliens suspended in formadehyde, places his hand on his chin and thoughtfully declares "hmmm... organic life forms." Then, right as you're thinking "this president seems to be an intelligent fellow..." he follows up with "...BUT CAN THEY BE KILLED?". Soooo very unintentionally funny. A line like that more fitting to a movie like Mars Attacks.

As funny as the writing may be, Independence Day is not well written. It does however succeed strictly in the boombastic, big, dumb, popcorn, B-movie sense. It's a fantastic disaster movie, second only to Armageddon(8/10). It's cinematic kin, movies like Godzilla 1998(6/10), and The Day after Tomorrow(5/10)... do not quite make it to this level of entertainment. Sure, it's not as imaginative or intelligent as any number of other B-movies, and you're not supposed to think too hard about the possibility of things like uploading a virus to an alien computer system... But if you overlook the many things like that, this can be a supremely entertaining movie. Like so many movies, if only it's script had been of a higher caliber, it might have actually been a truly great film; instead it is merely good. 8/10

================== One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
The movie plays out as a the madcap adventures of a gang of mental patients. Filled with great quirky performances from excellent character actors, and generally creepy off-kilter dudes... b level stars such as, Danny Devito, Christopher Llyod, Brad Dourif, Vincent Schiavelli, and Michael Berryman, all led by an enthusiastic Jack Nicholson. The bulk of the movie is comedy... but overall it's a severely depressing parable about defeat and the futility of combating the establishment. I could go deeper into the movie, but anything I write would just be spoiler. It's a shame it took me so long to get around to this movie... if I had seen it sooner, while watching it, I wouldn't have had to mentally compare it to things like "The Dream Team (1989)" or "Girl Interrupted (1999)". Ultimately, the movie made me sad, but it is really pretty great. 9/10

================== The Mask (1994)
The effects stand the test of time, mostly because they are cartoony, but also because they are not overused. The movie is funny, has a pretty good cast of characters, and is paced very well. The Mask is really the ultimate outlet for a comedic actor like Jim Carey to show off all his talents... he played both the Mask and Stanley Ipkiss parts perfectly. The Mask is a great comic book movie. I loved this movie as a kid, and I love it now. 8/10

================== Postal (2007)
Uwe Boll's best Movie. Better than You Don't Mess with the Zohan. Neither of those statements are saying particularly much, but to say the least, this movie is actually worth watching. Postal is essentially an absurdist farce comprised of characters designed to be caricatures of the worst parts of humanity. Assuming this was not some cosmic coincidence whereby Uwe Boll managed to write and direct a movie that actually entertains it's alleged target audience, I feel confident in saying that this movie actually hit's it's mark. Knowing the spirit and tone of the source material, this is actually a pretty decent video game adaptation. The movie is essentially a Bollian journey into Tromaville territory: from the crass socio-political commentary, through the excessive violence, coarse language, gratuitous full frontal Dave Foley nudity, right down to the self deprecating director cameo. It's intentionally offensive to everyone. Despite itself, on some level this movie works. It's weird that I seem to only have good things to say about this movie, seeing as it is not a good movie... but, dare I say, it's not bad either. 5/10

================== Network (1976)
Network my not be "scary" or "supernatural", but I contend it is most definitely a Horror movie. I love this movie. It's both topical (at the time) and truly prophetic. I mean, christ, it predicted reality TV all the way back in 1975. It saw it all coming. Everything becoming trivial, desensitization, people becoming zombies, a nation crippled by apathy, neutered by conditioning to feel small and insignificant, impotent; incapable of true anger or outrage. Sheep. The irony and ambiguity of the ending: were they yelling because they were sheep, or because they actually were angry? Was Beale successful in conveying his message, or was he manipulated into being yet another tool of the ratings machine? Network is depressing as all hell. Truly ahead of it's time. Network is everything a movie should be. 9/10

================== Babylon A.D. (2008)
Excluding the opening narration (which takes away a lot of the tension of the first 2 acts of the movie) the first 15 minutes of this movie made me think I might be about to experience a decent movie. From the part where you see a camo-covered figure trekking through heavy rain in some impoverished apocalyptic marketplace... through to our hero's dilapidated place of residence: The cinematography, the lighting, the coloring, the set design, and the soundtrack seemed to fit quite well. The world that was established in those opening minutes was interesting and immersive. The last hour and 20 minutes was only successful in undoing everything those first 15 minutes promised. It The mess that followed made me hate this movie. It reminded me of how bad an actor Vin Deseil can be. It also reminded me of quite a few much better movies: most notably Children of Men, and maybe a bit of the 5th Element thrown in for good measure.

There are entire sequences which are terrible. From a terribly edited brawl in some sort of factory/night club. A clumsily crafted "dramatic" scene involving refugees and a submarine. And including a day-night cycling above the arctic circle, and a snowmobile chase sequence that would be more at home in some future "triple x" sequel. Not to mention one of the worst gun fights ever. The lacking quality of the action sequences aside, the movie actually plants the seeds for some interesting concepts and employs a lot of elements with practically infinite potential with regard to story... but then does next to nothing with them. The last act of the movie (once it catches up to the stupid opening narration) is disjointed and doesn't really make a lot of sense. The religious themes are seemingly abandoned, and the science is never explained. You don't get an idea of who (or what) the villain really is, and there is no satisfactory resolution, or explanation of how anything was resolved at the end. We are treated to a super duper happy ending though... thanks for that hollywood. I'm not sure if this would be better with 30-45 minutes or so added to it to explain just what the fuck it was all about, or if it would just be a bigger waste of time. 5/10

================== Death Race (2008)
I went into Death Race not expecting much. It's trailer didn't leave me with much hope. Sure it's a remake, and sure it's directed by Paul W.S. Anderson, but he actually managed to hit some of the right notes... almost none of those good notes were directly related to the original film. The movie works fairly well as a video game adaptation, in that there's a lot of elements from modern race & car battle games (which of course were all ultimately inspired by elements in the original movie).

The action in the movie is pretty well shot and edited... aside from being filmed and presented in a higher framerate, I doubt there could be much improvement. The CG and pyro effects are pretty good, and the action sequences are thoroughly engrossing and well paced. There are a couple token "slow-mo music video tight clothing type money shots", seemingly inserted to appease the "2fast2furious" demographic, but it actually does fit well within the established framework of "wanting higher ratings". The actors all play their characters and caricatures perfectly. The techno-industrial soundtrack(very very much like the resident evil movies) actually fits with the dingy, dirty, blue tinted world that is presented to us to bask in for the bulk of the film.

There's some loose social commentary, which is oddly conflicted in that it involves successful corporations operating in a failed economy that includes a ballooning lower class and unemployment rate, and yet is still prosperous enough that there still exist hundreds of millions of people willing to spend money on pay per view and streaming death match entertainment. But none of that really matters. This is a revenge movie. There is a hero, his friends, a villain, some henchmen, and an ultimate showdown between the forces of good and evil.

There's a reference to the original film in the movie's intro, involving what I assume was the voice of David Carradine, reprising his character from the first movie, although this is uncredited on imdb. All things considered, this is a well made film. It's a remake that does not retread the original, but instead introduces and builds upon it's own themes. With a little work on the script, filling up some of the plot holes, and some better character writing, this could have been perfect. Assuming there could ever be a 10/10 movie made about a "death race" the original scores a 6/10, and this attempt scores an 8/10.

================== Clue (1985)
For the movie adaptation of a game primarily played by kids, it's certainly not for kids. The movie's comedy was fairly well written, a lot of dry, droll, and bawdy humor. There's a lot of repetition of jokes, and some very fast moving witty repartee. Clue in addition to being an faithful adaptation is a pretty successful parody of movie mysteries; the multiple endings, ensuring no one can really solve it, (aside from the writers that dreamed it up) was the perfect way to cap off that concept. The cast is perfect. The entire time I was watching this, I thought that Miss Scarlet was played by Susan Sarandon. I thought she looked a little strange, but I attributed it to it being made 1980's, when most actors were high on cocaine 24/7. The presence of Tim Curry kinda made me think that it was her too, plus the fact I was distracted by the french maid's cleavage, might have been a contributing factor. Turns out it Scarlet wasn't played by a coked out Sarandon, and was instead played by Leslie Ann Warren. Overall, this is a really fun movie, reminding me of some of the great murder mysteries, as well as some of the great farces. Could have used a bit less repetition of jokes like the crap on the shoe, and a couple more exchanges like the one between Wadsworth and Col. Mustard, wherein Mustard is plainly asking for a yes or no answer to an "or" question; a little bit more care towards the writing and it would be perfect. 9/10.

================== Fright Night 2 (1988)
Ugh. The first one had suspense, environment, great acting and great effects. This one, while even sharing 2 of the same actors, is a complete piece of shit. I'm assuming it was made purely as a cash in on the popularity of the first movie... and it shows. No wonder there was no part 3. The high point of this movie is the comical performance of Jon Gries, who played similar comedic roles in a few other classic 80's B movies, Joysticks, Terrorvision, Real Genius, & Monster Squad. Also notable is the presence of another great B movie star, Brian Thompson as a bug eating ghoul. But other than that, this movie is a lame follow up to the first film. 4/10

================== Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990)
This is one of those rare sequels that is on par with the first movie in the series. However, Gremlins 2: The New Batch manages to reach parity predecessor by essentially being a parody of it. It's not uncommon for a sequel to a Horror-Comedy to play up the lighter comedy elements, and end up being a Comedy-Horror. For one reason or another a lot of sequels of 80's movies went in that direction, but only a few were successful. A couple of notable failures IMO are House 2, and Return of the Living Dead 2. Of the well done ones: two that come to mind are Evil Dead 2, and Gremlins 2.

Gremlins 2 pokes fun at the original movie and it's illogical rules, and brings the gremlin gags present in the first movie up to an exponential level. The actors in the movie reprising their roles from the first film play their roles in the same exact straight manner that they did in the first more "serious" movie... to great effect. There are a lot of throwbacks to the original, including Phoebe Cate's character's darkly depressing nostalgic rant. The new characters in the movie are decidedly more campy, but they convey depth, and don't fall into cliches; I was particularly a fan of mega-corporation CEO Daniel Clamp(played by the awesome John Glover), clearly a riff on Donald Trump. The movie could have easily set him up to be a villain, but instead ends up playing him off as a positivist opportunistic enterprising hero of sorts.

The movie reflects a lot of themes present in movies of the era, and is even a bit ahead of it's time on some notes... There is social commentary about the fear of genetic engineering, rampant consumerism, corporatization, capitalism, and conformity. The soundtrack is frikkin awesome, conveying the light comedy quite well, employing numerous motifs and comedic variations upon them... a particularly good example is the merging of the Rambo theme with the Gremlin's theme. The movie is littered with cartoon sound effects, all of which helps a viewer who might not be as receptive to it's brand of gag comedy to interpret everything in the "saturday morning cartoon" state of mind. The movie makes use of a lot of other Warner Brothers properties in some of the gremlins gags, and as long as you're not expecting a movie in the same tone as the first, or are open to the decidedly wackier gags, this movie will not disappoint. 8/10

================== The Intruder Within (1981)
I can't believe I watched this in it's entirety. I recently came into possession of a fairly large library of VHS movies, this one seemed to have a cool looking cover, so I decided to watch it based on that. Big mistake. Essentially, this is a made for TV Alien ripoff... It is terrible by almost every conceivable metric... it's actually got some pretty good b level acting in it, unfortunately its filmed and constructed to have fades for commercial breaks, and the main creature effects are without a doubt, some of the worst I've ever seen. Watch Leviathan (1989), watch Deep Star Six (1989), watch Unearthed (2007)... watch any other alien rip off.... but don't ever watch this. 2/10

================== The Promotion (2008)
This is one of those indie feeling movies where most of the characters are retarded in some way, giving rise to odd situations and quirky plots. This one is about two grocery store Assistant Managers competing to become the head manager of a new grocery store, while simultaneously battling their own inner demons.The part of protagonist is played by Sean William Scott, and his antagonist is John C. Reilly. The supporting cast was also good, notably Fred Armisten, Gil Bellows and Jenna Fischer... but I feel the movie would have been stronger were they each given a bit more screen time, or played a bigger part in the events of the movie. Being a Canadian, the thing I ended up liking most about the movie was John C. Rielly's comedic "Canadian" accent. The Promotion is light comedic fare. It's written a bit low key attempting to play more toward the drama angle. Overall, it's not a bad movie... but there are much more inspired comedies out there to watch. 8/10

================== Rogue (2007)
Giant Crocodile Movie. Directed by Greg Maclean, the guy who directed Wolf Creek. Suffers a bit from the same problem Wolf Creek had... pacing. The movie is very slow to start. If the movie had been at all successful in building tension or characters during this time, it might be forgivable, but it didn't. The first 40 minutes of the movie is dedicated solely to superficial character introductions and showing off the landscape and scenic vistas of the Australian outback. This detriment to pacing is however a showcase of amazingly beautiful nature footage... From the wildlife to the sweeping helicopter flyovers... the smoothness and lighting of the crisp vibrant digital video reminded me of those ultra high quality "planet earth" documentaries. The cinematography is that good.

Despite the movie taking so much time at the beginning with the characters, it doesn't really develop them much. We don't really get a feel for who our protagonist is, and we only really see glimpses into the lives of the people we're supposed to care about later on in the film. Our hero is basically a generic guy, and he doesn't even really have that many lines in the film. I'm not going to harp too much on character quibbles, although it would have been nice if there had been a bit more there. This is a giant creature movie... the real star is the special effects and the intimidating beast. And what a star it is. The Croc in this movie... when it finally makes it's full appearance... is very impressive. It looks absolutely fantastic. It was genuinely amazing how real it looked.

The movie has a bit of a problem with some lines delivered by characters standing out as being too clearly foreshadowing, which in turn means the movie ends up being predictable. And the soundtrack was entirely too generic... and at times annoying. You've got the Australian visuals... now let me fucking hear some of the sounds of and styles of Australia and it's outback... I'm not necessarily asking for a didgeridoo or anything... just something more than the generic crap score we were given. The biggest problem though is that the movie could have used a bit less time leading up to getting stranded, and a bit more time actually being stranded... being menaced... being picked off 1 by 1. All that being said, the climax is pretty satisfying, and as far as big creature movies go, this is definitely worth watching in that respect, but it's probably best to avoid it for any other reason. 6/10

================== Total Recall (1990)
I love this movie. I've seen it like 50 times. I can quote it in it's entirety. It's fucking great. Why don't they make movies like this anymore?!? 9/10

April, May, & June Prison Pot Purri

2008-06-09T18:46:00.004-04:00

Cypher - Interesting low budget Sci-fi. 8/10

Dorm Daze - Ridiculous college comedy. Raunchy in that 80's sort of way. Actually very interesting in the way it all comes together! 6/10

Dorm Daze 2 - Terrible. Has none of the appeal of the first one. Felt like a bad episode of Breaker High. 3/10

Unearthed (2007): After Dark Film Fest - Alien ripoff. Almost watchable, but not. 5/10

Hard Eight - Great story with great actors. Loved Philip Seymour Hoffman's part. 8/10

Barry Lyndon - Very well done period piece. Unfortunately I found it boring and ultimately meh. 9/10

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale - God awful Bollian epic. Slightly better than Bloodrayne 2, but even less watchable. 4/10

The Signal (2008) - Really Good! Great mix of Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Drama. 8/10

The Bird with the Crystal Plumage - Thrillingly illogical multiple murder mystery; Bad writing that works; Argento's giallo prototype. Amazing score. Great visuals. 8/10

Diary of the Dead - This movie is the definition of mediocre. Message to George A. Romero: STOP MAKING ZOMBIE MOVIES. 5/10

Teeth - I was expecting bad... but this movie is actually really good! The movie will likely appeal to women more than it will to men. But it is cringe inducing horror for everyone. The movie is very funny at parts, but overall it is less of a dark comedy than it is a fantasy horror drama. I'd say that if the premise interests you at all, this movie will hold something for you. There's nothing quite like it. It's an excellent modern fairy tale. Highly recommended. 9/10

Monster Camp - Documentary about larpers. Holy Crap/Nerds!

Surfwise – Documentary about surfing family. Surfs UP/ Nutty Patriarch!

The Fourth Protocol - Cold War Nuclear Spy VS Spy. Entertaining. 6/10

10,000 B.C. - Wow. This was really shitty. 6/10

The Man Who Would Be King - Awesome! Great buddy comedy adventure period peice and a morality tale. Sean Connery & Michael Caine Know when to say when! 8/10

National Treasure: Book of Secrets - It's a strange mix of the ocean's 11 type caper movie and an Indiana Jones type adventure. It doesn't really completely succeed on any of those levels, but manages to keep your attention throughout it's duration. Basically, it's fantastical Hollywood crap, that I enjoyed, unlike the first entry to the series. 6/10

Ironman - Amazing Casting makes this movie. Only downsides for me are the lack of plausible character motivation for the villain, and the lack of a memorable musical theme for the hero. Fantastic by all other metrics. 9/10

Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo - Meh. It tries to one-up the original, with similar jokes, and amplifications of the things that worked well in the first... but ends up being lame and failing. Probably a lot more watchable HIGH ON POT. NPH RIP. 6/10

Over Her Dead Body - Lame Comedy Fantasy. Paul Rudd is the everyman. Lake Bell is the new Amanda Peet. 6/10

Inside - French gross out horror. Amazing gore. Soundtrack was kinda annoying. Disturbing and captivating, but lacking in quite a few areas. Can't wait for the Hollywood remake. 6/10

Funny Games U.S. - All the violence is off screen. The fourth wall is repeatedly broken. The movie failed in the sense that it made me think, but it didn't compel or entertain me enough to actually motivate me to discuss those thoughts with the person I watched it with. Movie is designed to make you use your brain. It's designed to convey a concept, not to tell a story. 5/10

Forgetting Sarah Marshall - Soooo funny. Can't recommend it enough. Breakin up is hard to do! This is a romantic comedy I can get behind. 9/10

The Cottage - Very unexpected and unconventional slasher comedy. Better than Hatchet. Goes places you won't expect. 8/10

War Inc. - Similar tone to Southland Tales: Satire that succeeds mostly as a screenwriting train-wreck... but also somewhat manages to develop multiple characters, and in doing so actually entertains. 8/10

Out of the Blue - I can see how this movie must have influenced Harmony Korine's Gummo. Very strong "performances" all around. Realistic dialogue that I suspect arose out of actual drunken ad-libbing. Similiar in this respect to Easy Rider. Unlike Easy Rider though, this movie is also a fantastic drama dealing with very harsh subject matter. 6/10

Flakes - Zooey Deschanel in a quirky romantic comedy. Lame. Skip this movie, but don't skip breakfast. 5/10

Pittsburg - Jeff Goldblum in a Christopher Guest-like mockumentary about Jeff Goldblum. This is probably a lot more entertaining for "actors" or people in the "entertainment industry" but will fail the general audience. two.... uh three.. four? ah yes, five. five out of ten.

Anamorph - Interesting combination of Se7en and Saw, with a hint of Argento cinematography and plot, and the pluses and minuses that come from being derivatives of the previously mentioned elements. Willem Dafoe. 8/10

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - I did not understand the motivations for any of the characters. The action and effects were decent, but overused. The tone of the movie was a hideous mismatch with it's subject matter. A cute mouse that makes lame jokes as it slits throats that don't bleed? Come on. I haven't seen the first one. But on it's own, this movie was a lame Clusterfuck of crap. 6/10

Raiders of the Lost Ark - Awesome Action Adventure. Perfect Villains, Perfect Heroes. Perfect supporting cast. It has just the right amount of comedy and action, mystery and suspense. It paints a pulp world that is almost identical to our own, but where the fantastical and supernatural might just exist. 9/10

Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom - Prequel to Raiders... a lot more pulpy, requires a bit more suspension of disbelief. The supporting cast isn't quite as good, but the action set pieces seem better conceived and executed. The opening action sequence in the club, while completely different than Raiders, is just as entertaining and memorable. Overall, I actually favor this movie over Raiders, because it taps into horror a lot more. 8/10

Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade - Requires even more suspension of disbelief than the previous entries. The opening sequence is the weakest of the trilogy, but it fills out the history for our hero a lot more. The action sequences weren't as enthralling as the other films, but were sufficient to drive the plot. The way the mystery unravels is perhaps the best out of all the movies. The existence of the 800 year old Knight was a bit of a unneeded stretch, but given the events of the previous movies, and what shortly follows the introduction of that unnecessary character, is not out of line with the audience's level of belief suspension. 8/10

Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - Weakest opening scene of all 4 in the series. Weakest supporting characters. Weakest Villains. Weakest unraveling of the mystery. Weakest sense of urgency to the plot. Weakest pacing of supernatural elements. And some very weak action set pieces. And it's requirement for suspension of disbelief is off the charts. All those weaknesses being mentioned, this is a very watchable movie. It feels very much like a star wars prequel. The nuclear test sequence really set the tone for the movie, as it is very clear Indiana Jones is now living in a very different world than when we last saw him. The plot with aliens and Russians flows very nicely from this, unfortunately it the movie is far too poorly written to successfully accomplish what it sets out to. Fan edit: Lose the Rubber Snake & Monkey Buddies. 6/10

The Strangers - The entire movie is a flashback if you consider the opening sequence with the 911 call. The beginning of the story, reminded me of another utterly mediocre movie, Vacancy. Specifically the first bit in the car and leading up to the house, where they're basically silent and you start to learn things about the characters. The next 45 minutes, where the back-story is told through multiple flashbacks, was somewhat original, but at the same time was silly and annoying. The only reason it's not told linearly is because for all that crap to happen before anything remotely suspenseful or scary, half the theatre would have walked out. It spaces it's creepy moments and jump scares pretty well. it's ending sorta reminded me of another mediocre movie, wolf creek (which conversely didn't resort to lame flashback story telling, and as a result suffered in it's first 45 minutes). I also think the opening narration is out of place... like they were trying to go for a Texas Chainsaw Massacre feeling but it was entirely superfluous, and could have been cut out. the only TCM Comparison that is needed is the nihilistic message the movie carries. Who gives a shit if this was incredibly loosely inspired by actual events? 6/10

Speed Racer - Great Kids movie. Awesome characters; heroes and villains and everyone in between. Amazing colors and incredibly spastic seizure inducing special effects. If any movie screamed loudest for a technological improvement in cinematic frame rate, this would be it... The action is far too fast for 24 frames per second. It needs at least double that for it to be smooth and seamless, and non-visually offensive. The swearing in the movie should have been cut. Matthew Fox's voice as Racer X was hysterically raspy and awesome. Recommended! 8/10

My Mom's New Boyfriend - Wow. What the hell did Meg Ryan do to her lips? This is not a good movie. It's a terribly predictable cliche. A cross between Meet the Fockers and... I dunno some shitty caper movie. Forget I even mentioned this movie. 5/10

Rescue Dawn - Fantastic movie about being a disavowed POW. Christian Bale is fantastic. Steve Zahn amazing. Charles Manson, also good. 8/10

What Happens in Vegas - Predictable and formulaic Hollywood garbage. 6/10

Be Kind Rewind - It's a ham fisted attempt at commentary on intellectual property and copyright law, and how it can restrict and crush genuine creativity. But, overall it's a decent heart warming tale with exaggerated villains and heroes existing in a mundane hyper reality. Every character in this movie seems to possess some degree of mental retardation, giving this film a quirky charm. 8/10

Futurama: Beast With a Billion Backs - Excellent comedy. Not as complex a plot as the Bender's Big Score, but far better pacing of jokes and development of the plot. Bender's big score felt like a few episodes strung together, but Beast With a Billion Backs successfully pulls off the "feature length episode" feel perfectly. 10/10

The Other Bolyn Girl - Uncompelling period piece about amoral ambition betrayal and their just deserts, starring A list Hollywood actors as A list historical characters. Well made, but kinda boring. 8/10

Botched - The less I say about this movie the more it will entertain. I hesitate even to mention the genre. Just see it. Know that one element is comedy, another is crime, and there is definitely an element of horror. Just see this movie, and be surprised. Stephen Dorff! Highly recommended. 8/10

March Madness Potpourri

2008-04-01T02:24:00.004-04:00

The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother - Funny, but grating. Not nearly as good as Young Frankenstein. 6/10

Dan in Real Life - Meh. Decent film. Predictable though, and ultimately forgettable. 8/10

Mother of Tears: The Third Mother - Bad movie by a very capable director. The only good parts were the ones that ripped off Argento's other movies. 5/10

Raiders of the Living Dead - Oh god. This was terrible. Points for the kid who makes a deathray out of a laserdisc player. 1/10

Justice League: The New Frontier - Enjoyable little movie. Superhero period peice done right. Too short though. 8/10

Southland Tales - Completely uneven and scatterbrained movie. Purposely so? Not really funny, despite it trying, hard. 5/10

The Matrix: De-Zionized - 2.5 hour fan edit of Reloaded & Revolutions removing all scenes involving Zion. Very enjoyable! 8/10

When Harry Met Sally - Fucking classic. Basis of the incredibly funny and true ladder theory. 9/10

Outpost (2007) - All the elements for a decent movie are here... but the movie doesn't utilize them right. Incredibly inconsistent. 5/10

Paranoid Park - Deliberately slow movie, about an average teenager dealing with a very difficult situation. Very good. 9/10

What Would Jesus Buy - Boring documentary on the Church of Stop Shopping, their delusions of grandeur, and ultimately the futility of resisting. Very Meh!

Crazy Love - Excellent documentary on an unlikely couple. Surprisingly entertaining for a movie consisting entirely of testimonials by septuagenarians. Great!

Strange Days (1995) - Great neo noir. Flawed hero, mystery plot, and a fantastic sci-fi element. 9/10

88 Minutes - Great Cast. Thoroughly enjoyable throughout, except for the cop out ending. Felt a bit made-for-tv. 8/10

Horton Hears a Who - Fun kids movie with strong themes of anti-conformity, equality, and using your imagination. 8/10

Mulberry Street - After Dark Film Fest 2007. New York City citizens are devolving into bloodthirsty RAT PEOPLE! Very well done. I went into this with very low expectations, based solely on the quality of the previous year's 8 films to die for... long story short, it's actually very good. And I'm not just saying that because I am a rat-man lover. I was particularly impressed with the way that such a low budget production was able to convey the "city in turmoil" feel. Excellent use of location... and great camera work, although at points it felt somewhat over-edited. The soundtrack wasn't bad and the acting was surprisingly decent. 8/10

Running With Scissors - Indie by numbers. Meh. 8/10

Me You And Everyone We Know - Not so much indie by numbers, cute, but still a bit meh. 8/10

Day of the Dead (2008) - Don't even pirate this movie. It's not worth it. That's my review. 2/10

The Deaths of Ian Stone - (After Dark Horror Fest) Felt somewhat like a cross between Dark City and The Nines. The way the mystery came together was very interesting, but it didn't really come together for me 100% and some of the effects at the end didn't exactly wow me. But overall it was well done. I liked it! 8/10

Tooth and Nail - (After Dark Horror Fest). Interestingly, this low budget piece had what I would consider a pretty star studded cast. But the movie was far too slow and uneventful, and generally just too uninteresting to work. It was scareless, humorless, and did not utilize it's resources properly, at all. If I had Michael Madsen and Vinnie Jones at my disposal, I'd create for them memorable roles... Same goes for Rider Strong(cabin fever), Robert Carradine(revenge of the nerds), and Rachel Miner(Dani "suicide girl" from Californication). This movie had a promising premise, a great cast, some great locations, decent gore, but zero fucking script. Fail. 4/10

The Game of Death (1978) - Kung Fu Travesty. Hilariously bad Kung Fu Travesty. 3/10

Finishing the Game: The Search for a New Bruce Lee (2007) - Excellent mocumentary on the Making of "The Game of Death". 8/10

Death Wish - Decent revenge flick... Jeff Goldblum... what a hoodlum! Death Wish depicts revenge in a therapeutic and benefit to society light. 8/10

Death Sentence - Decent revenge flick. There's a great shot without cuts in a parking garage, very intense and skillfully done. This movie had a great "if the punisher was an idiot" feel to it. Decidedly different tone than Death Wish, Death Sentence is morose and regretful, showcasing the emptiness of revenge. 8/10

Where The Truth Lies - I loved how 'the truth' is revealed in revisions. Fantastic, almost perfect movie. 9/10

The Air I Breathe - I felt the Forest Whitaker & Kevin Bacon segments were too weakly linked or underplayed compared to the other 2 "emotive cornerstones" for this movie to be truly effective. Despite that, it came together fairly well in the end. 8/10

Drillbit Taylor - Superbad without all the swearing and dick jokes. Good kids movie, but kinda lame otherwise. 8/10

Black Roses - Terrible 80's movie. Watchable for pure cheese factor and some interesting creature effects. 3/10

Doomsday - The Road Warrior meets Escape from New York, with a tiny bit of V for Vendetta and, a John Carpenter-esque soundtrack, and that song from 28 days later thrown in at the end for good measure. Good gore. Watchable, but not by any means a good movie. 6/10

The Colour of Magic (2008) - For some reason I always pictured Rincewind as younger. This was a hilarious and a great depiction of Discworld... but I can't imagine this being watchable for anyone who isn't already familiar with the books. I loved it. 9/10

February Leap Day PotPourri

2008-02-29T20:28:00.002-05:00

Rocket Science - Does not cater to dramatic expectations of the viewer, but unfortunately doesn't really leave you with much either. (8/10)

Rambo - Empty fucking dialog aside, I loved it. (6/10)

Eyes Wide Shut (European Edition) - Excellent tits. Excellent ass. That being said, I Hate Hate Hated this movie. (8/10)

Jumper - Hayden Christensen sucks. Mediocre as it is, this movie was enjoyable popcorn. (6/10)

Spiderwick Chronicles - I never read the books. While well done for the most part, the movie just didn't interest me. For a supposed kids movie, there was no "fun" in it. It was all lame plot and lamer drama. (8/10)

DiG! - Great documentary on Anton Newcombe of the Brian Jonestown Massacre, contrasting him and his band with Courtney Taylor & the Dandy Warhols. Both these dudes are so fucking ridiculous that this doc should qualify as comedy.

Period Piece - Giuseppe Andrews trailer park epic. I didn't finish watching it. I knew what I was in for, and I still turned if off after what felt like 2 hours... but from what I saw it was about at (1/10).

The Ninth Configuration - Odd little movie directed by William Peter Blatty. A completely ridiculous fight scene near the end almost makes it worth it. Almost. (6/10)

Lars & the Real Girl - I think the movie needed some more set up to show if the town was actually tight knit, or if they just needed Bianca as much as Lars did. Either one would have given more plausibility to the seemingly unspoken agreement everyone reaches. Overall it's a cute story, albeit somewhat boring. (8/10)

Charlie Bartlett - A muddled tale about popularity and dealing with problems. I found it to be an uncomfortable mix of Ferris Bueller & The Chumscrubber. Although, unlike those movies, I'm not sure what the moral of the story was, and I don't think the writers are either. (8/10)

There Will Be Blood - I loved the opening sequence, it's lack of dialog combined with the creepy soundtrack. On that point, and in many other ways this was a horror movie. It's also the best movie of 2007. (10/10)

The Dark Crystal - Classic. Doesn't stand up as well for me as Labyrinth, but is still very impressive and imaginative. (8/10)

Death at a Funeral - Throw as many gay midgets at this plot as you want and this movie's attempts at comedy will still not be funny. At all. (6/10)

Run Fatboy Run - Ugh. For some reason I expected more from a movie written by Michael Ian Black & Simon Pegg. Not bad, but not good either. (6/10)

The Rage (2007) - Awesomely hilarious splatterfest. Misty Mundae, midgets, zombies, & some puppets=pure gold. Required viewing for gorehounds & bad movie connoisseurs. (4/10)

Michael Clayton - Great movie. Pay close attention to the illustrations in the red book. The fine details raise the movie above typical legal thrillers, adding a whole other level. (9/10)

Vertigo - Visually stunning dream sequence. Edgy, and ahead of it's time. Awesome story with a fantastic ending. (9/10)

Dragon Wars: D-War (2007)

2008-02-09T20:26:00.000-05:00

I watched this going into it with a "bad movie" mindset. And it managed to surprise me by being pretty impressive in a few areas. It was a lot better than I had been expecting. The man versus monsters action sequences were phenomenal! It had some tight editing and the special effects were great! Loved the creature design of the smaller beasts. The practical effects and pyro were also really well done, and especially when the CG and real stuff was mixed together. There were some scenes that were totally "sci-fi channel", but for the most part the visuals were really well done. But the story... god fuck.. what story?! Acting was equally shit. Man... this could have been a decent movie if only it had a script. The lady friend I watched it with said it was way better than Eragon. I haven't seen it but I'll take her word for it. 5/10

Rope (1948)

2008-02-02T20:13:00.001-05:00

My main problem with it thought was that I just could not get over the fact that someone like Philip would never have been talked into such a thing in the first place. The whole character of Philip still struck me as wrong. Brandon was a sociopath, manipulating others at the party, and his motives were fairly clear. Inspired by Rupert's philosophy, he acted on impulses that had existed his whole life. But Philip... a timid pianist, ashamed of choking chickens, was somehow talked into murder... without a plan no less, and just went along with it? There was a disconnect there for me. But overall, it just seemed very implausible. The overacting of the main players and the lame duck climax didn't help either. This is touted as one of Hitchcock's best... and the continuous shots were impressive... but I felt didn't really add much to the movie. It would have benefited from some editing.

There were elements of the movie that I liked, for instance, Brandon Shaw seems to me to pretty much be a prototype for Patrick Bateman. I respect that this piece was probably very ahead of it's time and considered "edgy" when it came out, and I'm not blind to the post war themes of anti-fascism... but I found the movie lacking in a few key areas. 6/10

Into The Wild (2007)

2008-02-01T20:24:00.002-05:00

One Man dedicates his life to a journey of self discovery, discovers that he's an idiot, and then dies. His goals were admirable, but he was really dumb about it... The good thing about the movie is that it doesn't glorify his stupidity; it clearly shows his regret. I like to think of this movie as About Schmidt Meets Garden State Meets Grizzly Man. I had a couple issues with the logic of the story, but it was based on true events, so I couldn't really fault the writing for that. I mean, there was bus there... he couldn't have been all that far from a road. The movie is one long drawn out suicide, a suicide so drawn out that the suicider had time to regret and convey his thoughts on that regret before he died.

There's one scene where the main character is talking to an apple, and then kinda grabs the camera and looks into it. It bugged me, and I'd have edited that out if I were editor on the movie. But other than that, the cinematography was quite good. The locations are very picturesque. It is very a effective film. Beautifully filmed, great cast, amazingly acted, based on a true story. Soundtrack by Eddie Vedder. Directed by Sean Penn?! And it's really good.

Some people might feel that the movie doesn't directly tell you much about the main character, but I think the way we were supposed to learn about him was through his interactions with other people, and I think if we pay attention to that, we actually learn quite a lot. Theres somewhat of a subtle thread that the sister's narration touches on about how who we are is shaped by the people around us. So we learn about the dude by his interactions with other people, and similarly we watch how meeting him and knowing him shapes those other people. As far as his motivations go, I think anyone who's ever wanted to extricate themselves from society, or has at one point found themselves disgusted with city/suburban life, will identify with large parts of this movie. Certain aspects of society made him anxious, annoyed, hateful, etc. I really identified with that.

The movie romanticizes what he tries to do, but it made me wonder: what did he regret more in those final days? The loneliness, or having eaten all those poison berries? I'm guessing a bit of both. It's sad... yes, but a great lesson to the rest of us who have the ability to learn from other people's mistakes. That is the moral that I took away from the story, don't throw your life away like this guy. Strike out, find yourself, but don't be an idiot about it. "Happiness is only real when it's shared." comes in second. 9/10

The Fifth Wall (Rant)

2008-01-29T05:32:00.000-05:00

As quotable as it may be, the person who compared the found footage technique to the technology of B&W film was way off about Cloverfield being entirely different than Blair Witch... but they did have a point about presentation within the film medium. There have been many films that present scenes or the entire movie as black and white, not out of necessity or cost, but instead to convey a particular experience, just as there are many films that use scenes of found footage for similar reasons.

I think the effect that found footage has on film as a story telling medium is interesting, especially when it is used as the sole method for delivering the story. In every instance I can think of where the found footage technique is employed in presenting the entire story to the audience, it detracts from the "complete" telling of the story, but aids in conveying a particular experience. The audience spoon-fed less, and uses their imaginations more. This is generally a good thing.

Whether or not that experience is accepted by the audience is what determines the success of the story. If the experience is rejected, either though unwillingness to suspend disbelief, shoddy emulation, poor technique, acting, lighting, etc... then the viewer is less likely to allow their imaginations to fill in the blanks that would normally be filled in with exposition, scene changes, and editing in a film presented in the standard method.

Cloverfield is a movie conveying the experience of a presumably unnamed anonymous person, with whom the audience is supposed to identify with/assume the identity of, in the first person, who is watching a supposedly genuine, unedited account of a giant monster attack. I don't think I've read a single review that comments on this aspect, and it's one which I believe that although subtle, is pretty important... because that's the top level experience that the movie is attempts to convey. You are not with Hud, Rob, Marlena & Crew; you are alone, watching this classified video. The exact same concept applies to Blair Witch.

Maybe I'm over analyzing this, or explaining it poorly, but what I'm trying to say is that the movie has multiple levels upon which to appreciate it. A similar concept I can think of is that of Grindhouse. Grindhouse is a movie that attempts to convey the experience of watching a double feature in a shitty movie theatre. Within that experience, is contained two separate stories, which you can appreciate independently if you like.

So with Both Cloverfield and Blair witch, and in a different manner, Grindhouse, you've got your story experience(plural in the case of grindhouse), and above that level, you've got the container/method of presentation; the meta-experience of the film.

When I say that I think Grindhouse experience was a detriment to my enjoyment of the Planet Terror Story, it is similar to me saying that the Lovers in a Dangerous Time Story took away from the Cloverfield Experience.

If you're still not grasping what I'm saying here, it's that the presentation method is essentially building a 5th wall; a ceiling of glass if you will. A wall that allows a "character" like Hud or Rob to break down the fourth wall and directly address the audience in a way that a character like James Bond or Ferris Bueller can not and could not do without alienating a large portion of the audience. This is a good thing... but it conflicts with the ability to seamlessly dictate a convincing narrative.

I would continue this rant by going into detail about other instances of "movies within movies", and explain why although "boring", David Lynch's Inland Empire is absolutely fucking genius... but it's late, and I think I ran out of steam a paragraph or two ago. I will simply conclude that we are living in an age in which everything is meta.

Cloverfield (2008)

2008-01-23T22:54:00.003-05:00

The visual style and integration of CG effects was generally very good. The feigning amateur cinematography was also well done. The camera style was successful in providing me with what I would consider as immersive an experience as you can get with film.

The problem for me comes with the fact that this is supposed to be a random video document of events... not a narrative being spun for us. It's supposed to be found footage, not fiction. So, as immersive as the visual experience was, the movie suffered greatly from trying to tell a story, a story which I call, 'lovers in a dangerous time'.

The set up for the love story was entirely too long and attempted to script together characters out of the people who were on screen. Now were this a standard limited omniscient narrative movie, there would be absolutely nothing wrong with that, it is in fact to be expected. It is of course how most movies accomplish the telling of a story. However, Cloverfield’s duality with respect to it's realistic presentation and it's desire to tell a love story ends up detracting from both of those goals. The character of Hud, while frequently funny, at times took away from the feeling of “What I’m watching is real”. But, the prime example of what I'm talking about is the conveniently expository cuts to what was previously on the tape... sure that helped tell the story, but it took me out of the realism every single time.

The movie would have pleased me more if it had stuck with it's concept of being presented as found footage, and lessened its attempts at forcing its love story narrative on us. I'm not saying do away with the love story altogether... I mean you need something to justify the protagonist's repeated ridiculous decisions to not just run for their lives. I'm just saying that it should have trusted us to let our imaginations fill in the blanks, like it did with the other parts of the movie. When it came to the beasts, the movie trusted us to use our imagination quite a bit. On the car ride home, my date and I exchanged various theories: Was it alien or terrestrial in origin? Is there more than one? What was the monster's goal in the city? Does it breathe oxygen or nitrogen? Is it intelligent? Is it a toxin, bacteria, or a virus that causes your blood to explode? etc.

The sequences with buildings collapsing and people running from dust clouds are direct taps into memories of footage from the September 11th attack on New York. The parts where the movie finally kicks in, and we glean overheard bits of dialog; spectators speculating on the origin of the blasts, all play upon insecurities stemming from that event. A lot of movies are doing this sort of thing lately to convey horror. Last year's The Mist, did something similar. But this movie is the most direct about it. Cloverfield capitalizes upon current events and fear of terrorism's unknown possibilities to great effect.

I mean, the scene with the smoke cloud and the people running from it, then afterward the people stumbling around in the haze, completely in shock were copped directly from 911 footage, shot for shot. IIRC, it's one of the more genuine scenes too, because instead of running with the camera where his head would be, Hud just kinda drops it to his side. You only really see the smoke cloud coming for a two seconds, if that. The buildings falling, same deal. Unlike Godzilla, which was a metaphor for the bomb, Coverfield is not just metaphor for terrorism, it employs imagery that was way more blatant a commentary... maybe even purely employed as an emotional wrench. I don't think that it's necessarily a bad thing. It's just that typically, Sci-Fi and Horror social commentary is a bit more nuanced than the beat you all about the face and neck method used in Cloverfield. For an example of what I'm talking about, watch this 30 second clip:

The problems I had with the film aside, I had a great time. The shaky cam did make me a bit nauseous but I would say that added to the experience. The nausea that the love story caused me, on the other hand, took away from the experience. Cloverfield is good. It's fun and entertaining. It doesn't really work well with my scale since it doesn't compete on a few levels which I consider vital to standard movies... so I had to drop a few of the criteria from my scale and it averaged out around 8/10. The bottom but I will definitely recommend that everyone see it once.

Edit: Here's a fan video Myself and a friend made:

January Depression Potpurri

2008-01-21T16:48:00.001-05:00

Here are a few movies I watched in the last month or so that I wasn't really inspired to write full reviews for:

King of California - Lackluster caper drama with an "indie" feel to it. [6/10]

Wilde - Stephen Frey as Oscar Wilde. Better than most Biopics. [9/10]

Before the Devil Knows You're Dead - Very good caper drama. Forget Factotum, this is the movie in which to see a Naked Marissa Tomei. [8/10]

He was a Quiet Man - Christian Slater is nigh unrecognizable in this "Falling Down-esque" role. Also, you get to see Elisha Cuthbert's character topless. [8/10]

Flawless - Lackluster caper drama that succeeds on a feminist level. [8/10]

Hey Good Lookin' - Ralph Bakshi's story of growing up in brooklyn in the late 50's. Interesting only on the "R rated" cartoon level. [5/10]

Weirdsville - Wes Bently in a role where I don't hate him. Overall a decent movie... probably even great, ON WEED. [8/10]

Smiley Face - Terrible. Probably even ON WEED. [4/10]

About A Son - Think Koyaanisqatsi, narrated by Kurt Cobain. It really resonated with me, and I don't even particularly like Kurt Cobain. It was just interesting. [9/10]

Galaxy of Terror - Required viewing if you're into 80's Italian knockoffs of American blockbusters, or just movies so bad they're great. [3/10]

Hot Tamale - Doria Baird is smokin hot. This movie is an alright waste of time. [6/10]

Last Night - End of the World Drama... and partying. Interesting. Reminiscent of that episode of Sliders where the comet is gonna hit the earth. [8/10]

The Conversation - Gene Hackman surveillance paranoia. Great movie. Excellent plot. It's got 1970's pacing... so you might not enjoy it as much if you have ADHD. [9/10]

Love Lies Bleeding - Lackluster crime drama. Sort of a poor man's True Romance. But with Christan Slater as the Bad Guy. [6/10]

The Man With Two Brains - Steve Martin at his best. Kathleen Turner is wicked too. I think I might even like this movie more than The Jerk. [8/10]

Bongwater - Blah. Coming of age at 28 type movie. The Jack Black, lsd, magic forest sequence is hilarious. Might be good ON WEED. [5/10]

Secretary - Romantic comedy for alternative people. Great characters, but the story kind of falls apart for me near the end. [8/10]

Sex, Lies, and Videotape - James Spader's fetish for VHS. Filled with characters that seem to be designed to be loathed. Kinda boring. [6/10]

Joe VS The Volcano - Excellent Romantic Comedy Fantasy Adventure. The begining of this movie qualifies as cubicle horror. [9/10]

The Legend of 1900 - Tim Roth. Excellent Cinematography. Beautiful set design. Great soundtrack. For a movie that has it all, it oddly felt severely lacking. [8/10]

Interview - Steve Buschemi in an interesting little movie, who's point I'm not quite sure I got. Movie wasn't bad, but it kind of made me hate everyone. [6/10]

Mindhunters - My Favorite Renny Harlin movie. Great cast. Totally underrated popcorn gem. [8/10]

The House of Yes - Twincest anyone? This is an interesting indie movie. I love practically all of Parker Posey's lines in the movie. [6/10]

Henry Fool - Strange Tale of Henry Fool, a drifter/writer drawn into a life that doesn't seem to fit him. I liked this movie... but the pacing is fucked. [6/10]

Fay Grim- Sequel to Henry Fool... a complete changeup of genre, tone, and cinematic style. The movie stands on it's own as a great mindfuck... [9/10]

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium - Blegh. Technically good... but I didn't like it. [8/10]

Five Fingers (2006) - This is a movie that attempts to make you take a side on the torture issue. Definitely interesting. [8/10]

Everything's Gone Green - An interesting coming of age at 28 tale, by Douglas Coupland. Recycles ideas found in microserfs, and used in jpod. [8/10]

Cashback - The power of one boy's imagination. Having insomnia and frequently picturing chicks naked, this movie resonated with me. [8/10]

First Blood: Rambo - Good stuff. Classic tale of a situation spiraling out of control. [8/10]

You Kill Me - Ben Kingsley... what the hell man. Sort of a Gross Pointe Blank meets uhh... Ben Kingsley? I dunno. Not really good. [6/10]

Clifford (1994) - Martin Short and Charles Grodin should have made more movies together. I find this movie hilarious. [6/10]

The Wizard of Speed and Time - Stop motion insanity. Great little movie. Totally a labor of love. Based on a true story! [8/10]

Chinatown - I really liked it. It was a simple enough plot, well acted, and had great dialog. All around fantastic noir. [9/10]

The Two Jakes - Sequel to Chinatown. The voice over narration was not good. Felt like more of a comedy than anything. [6/10]

Who Framed Roger Rabbit? - Spiritual 3rd entry to the Chinatown trilogy. Technically impressive and thoroughly entertaining movie. [9/10]

The Manitou (1978)

2008-01-03T18:49:00.000-05:00

IMDb Plot Outline: A psychic's girlfriend finds out that a lump on her back is a growing reincarnation of a 400 year-old demonic Native American spirit.

This movie is a fucking classic. The first half builds like a wacky b grade exorcist... but then it goes far beyond that. There's a little something for everyone: fortune tellers, posessions, a seance, psychics, shawmans, machines with minds of their own, oh, and reincarnated fetal demon parasites. This movie seems to take a little from a lot of other movies, but in doing so, seems to lose it's source material and mutate into something all it's own. It's villain is absolutely fucking ridiculus, and yet there's something about it that manages to scare me. The climax is... indescribable. You have to see it to believe it. It's something that in 1978, would have given Star Wars a run for it's money with regard to visual effects. I'm kinda only half serious there. The male lead, is Tony Curtis, father of the famous hermaphrodite, Jaimie Lee Curtis, who starred in Halloween the same very same year this movie dropped. You've got to see this movie to believe it. I'd say this is required viewing for B movie buffs. [5/10]

Walk Hard (2007)

2007-12-29T06:30:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking a 9 or 10/10... but I will have to see it again to be sure, as I was pleasantly tripping on acid at the time. The movie is seriously fucking funny. When I left the theatre my entire body hurt from the laughter spasms. It really is the perfect send up of biopics like "Ray" and "Walk the Line". Fuck shit like epic/scary movie and meet the spartans... this is how a spoof is done. My fears that this would be a Will Farrell movie minus Will Farrell were misplaced. John C. Reilly totally owned the role. The songs were absolutely fantastic. Great cast, amazing cameos... Jack White as Elvis, and Jason Schwartzman as Ringo Star being two highlights for me. Hell... the entire Beatles part was hysterically well done. The writing was efficient and awesome; raunchy, stupid, and yet very clever at times. Knocked Up and Superbad are alright... but for me this is the best Apatow and crew vehicle of 2007.

Question for those who've also seen it... I had the pleasure of paying $2 extra to see it in digital (which makes no fucking sense to me, since digital is supposed to save money for everyone involved, but that's a topic for another day)... my question is this: Did the version you saw have full frontal nudity? I was just wondering if this was something only the digital theatres got, or maybe just us lucky Canadians. It strikes me as implausible that the full frontal nudity got approved by the MPAA.

Gone Baby Gone (2007)

2007-12-28T01:17:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite crime movies ever. I loved the story, and I love way the mystery unfolded. There's a point where the events caught up with the narration about halfway through the movie, and you feel as though you're hearing an epilogue... but there's still half a movie to go, and man... what a half it is. What makes it such a great story is that the "bad guys" are portrayed in such a way that (with one exception) you probably won't know how to feel about them. Makes you wonder about what is right and what is wrong. And it really forces you to consider those instances when something might seem to fall into a grey moral area, and thus think about how you make a decision in those situations. My only complaint is that the story doesn't really give enough background, or develop the main character enough for the ending to have the impact I'd imagine Affleck & Stockard desired. This movie ends up being a different type of tragedy than you might think while you watch it. Excellent movie. 9/10

Aliens Versus Predator: Requiem (2007)

2007-12-26T00:47:00.000-05:00

I went into this movie knowing nothing. I purposefully avoided all trailers and production stills, so I had no expectations except for those that were set by the extremely disappointing AvP. Aliens Versus Predator: Requiem picks up exactly where the first one left off, is a hell of a lot more brutal, but overall ends up being only slightly better of a movie. I was exhausted by the 45 minute mark... not because of the brutality, but because there were literally as many scene changes as there were minutes by that point.

I think the action cinematography was very effective. I was especially a fan of the predator hunts in the sewer scene. The effects by and large were really good, with one notable exception being the crappy CG effect of the predator's cloak. I'm not sure how they did it in predator 1 & 2... but the cloak looked better in those movies than it did in this movie.

The music was very uneven. When is wasn't generic droning, it only served to remind me of much better films. At one point near the end, I think when they're entering the staircase, I could swear they were ripping off the Total Recall soundtrack.

This next point kinda ties in with the "scene a minute" problem I had with the pacing and story... there were too many characters, all of whom you don't care anything about. Alien and Aliens made memorable characters out of every single company employee and space marine. Predator and Predator 2... every single commando and cop was important to the stories. AvP2 goes the route of AvP1, and gives us generic fodder that you have absolutely no emotional investment in, and you end up rooting for the Aliens. I kept expecting Dennis Leary to show up and call Garrity a fucking dipshit. Not to say the actor who played him acted like that character from another show... but just that I couldn't think of anything else because aside from the scene that introduced him as a drifter ex-con... he had zero character development. And that guy is the closest thing this movie gives us to a hero. So you root for the Aliens. So much that you laugh when "main" characters die, and you(i) end up wanting insane things like a badass Predalien to eat a nursery full of babies. IMO, they would have been better off just copying the Critters 2 plot and placing it at Christmas instead of easter, than giving us this poorly written hodgepodge.

All that negativity being said, part of me enjoyed this garbage. I'd say this is a "rental"... but this is the type of movie that really lends itself to the big screen. So... buy a ticket for a good movie that you've already seen, like No Country For Old Men, or Sweeney Todd, and then theater-hop to see this. And then never watch it again. If AvP was 5/10 then AVP:R is a 6/10.

Hitman (2007)

2007-12-21T01:14:00.000-05:00

Not sure what to say about this one. I've never played the game, aside from the demo for Chronicles so I can't really rate it as an adaptation. There were a few scenes paying tribute to the game, and I felt the "back of the head" cam would have been really effective in pretty much any other movie... but kinda just felt like an afterthought in this one. There's a few really good action scenes, and a scene which surprised me: an extensive sequence of female frontal nudity... something I don't remember seeing on the big screen recent memory. The plot felt a bit too big for the movie's britches, but I enjoyed myself even though I recognize the story was all over the place and the dialog was pretty fucking terrible. Overall, not a good movie... but not bad either. 6/10

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007)

2007-12-20T03:30:00.000-05:00

I wasn't really expecting anything of this movie. I knew nothing about the story, and didn't even find out it was a musical until like a month ago. Being a huge Elfman fan, I probably would have enjoyed the music more had it been done by him, but I don't really think the movie needed any changes. I mean the music and lyrics weren't technically bad... they just weren't my style.

I don't really want to harp on this point though... despite the music not doing anything for me... it was still visually impressive, fucking phenomenally brutal, and overall just a very entertaining and well done film.

I didn't quite get how the chute could drop bodies from the second floor directly into the basement... would they not have to pass through the dining room?! The engineering and architecture of that particular plot device didn't really make sense to me. But that's just a nit picking point though.

Alan Rickman as the demented Judge was great. His performance in Sweeney Todd seemed to me to be the evil counterpart to his character from the movie "Perfume: Story of a Murderer". I found some similarities, in that both movies are period pieces, and he plays a man of influence and power who seemingly only wants to "protect" "his" "daughter" from the dangers of the world. Similarly I loved Timothy Spall in his awesome henchman roll. Fresh off of seeing him in "Enchanted", I was surprised that although the roll was essentially the same, he played it as a distinctly different and memorable character. Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter were also very good. The entire Cast of this movie does a fine job, and the production is top notch on pretty much every level.

Hairspray remains my favorite musical of the year. And had Sweeney Todd won me with it's music, it would certainly have that position, because I'm much more inclined to it's subject matter. But even taken outside the "musical" context, and measured on every other level... Sweeney Todd is a fantastically tragic story balanced perfectly with darkly humorous undertones. 9/10

I Am Legend (2007)

2007-12-18T20:10:00.000-05:00

I think this was a slightly better movie than 30 Days of Night.

The CG was fucking terrible... and they didn't even try to hide it. That being said, the movie made excellent use of the darkness. The scene in the hive was very fucking tense. I loved how that whole sequence played out. And when the vampires started laying traps for him... that was the peak of my interest. Oh, the places they could have gone with that plot!! Will he revise his hypothesis that all humanity was lost in the infected? Will he have a vocal showdown with the leader of the horde? Will these hack screenwriters actually make a decent adaptation of the original novel? Nope. Instead Big Willy goes ridin dirty at night. And wait... what's this? Two humans to the implausible rescue? Fuck. A glimmer of hope during the scene where Will explains how Bob Marley is the cure for all the ills in the world. Perhaps music will factor in soothing the savage beasts?! No. The movie was pretty much already completely over for me, the scene before when he quoted Shreck.. FOR A MINUTE STRAIGHT.

I'm sure if I hadn't read the book I'd have enjoyed the movie more. I mean I can recognize the blatant symbolism of him getting a second chance to save the mother & child that he failed to save before, so it wasn't a completely pointless self sacrifice... but book readin' or no... that was a pretty weak ending. Granted, "first person" stories in film theory are by requirement of the medium almost always third-person-limited-omniscient, but come the fuck on: "He is Legend"... sheesh!

It kinda hurts to have to rate this movie, which overall I did not like, the same as one of my favorite movies of this year. I try to be objective with my numerical ratings. So, while they may share the same rating on my scale, unlike "The Mist", I do not recommend "I Am Legend". 8/10

Enchanted (2007)

2007-12-12T00:08:00.000-05:00

This movie was great. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Everything about it was perfectly Disney... so in some respects it was a bit predictable, but it poked fun at itself and still managed to throw in a few change-ups and upset a few cliches... so it worked very well. I was a bit disappointed with the climax. It was entertaining, I just wanted a bit more. The casting was ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. I loved Timothy Spall. The man is a living cartoon. Amy Adams is goddamn hot, and nails the typical Disney heroine character. James Marsden & Susan Sarandon, similarly great. The musical sequences were fantastic and hilarious, and the computer generated effects were the perfect blend between cartoony and realistic. This is a movie for everybody. 9/10

No Country For Old Men (2007)

2007-12-11T23:33:00.000-05:00

This is definitely not an art film. But it's also not popcorn either. It's a standard linear narrative, and the only thing that really differentiates this movie from typical popcorn is that it might "trick" some of the more undiscerning viewers into thinking the protagonist is someone other than it is. The character who arcs in the film; the character the movie is actually about(and the title is a giant clue to this) isn't who the bulk of the movie is dedicated to following.

The movie really fucks with the standard conventions of story-telling, and thus audience expectations... and and while it works to some degree in upsetting what you naturally think is going to happen, it wastes a lot of it's potential in doing so. I thought it was a very well done film in most respects. It seemed kinda pointless... but I suppose that's the point.

No Country for Old Men was unfortunately the most anti-climactic movie I've seen in quite a while. And there's a lot of scenes that are a complete drag on the movie. And while these scenes may serve quite well to establish that "slice'o'life" feeling, they are completely irrelevant to the story. The rest of the time, No Country for Old Men is incredibly tense. Especially when the 'protagonist' and antagonist get close to eachother. When the action sequences erupt, they are amazing, even if they are few and far between.

Josh Brolin and Tommy Lee Jones do a good job with their roles... Although Jones' character reminded me a bit too much of his character from "The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada", and various other movies where he plays very similar introspective officer of the law type. The real star of this movie is Javier Bardem, his portrayal of the Anton Chigurh character was nothing short of phenomenal. This character was so great, and played so well, that he just felt out of place in the movie. What you've got is this amazing comic-book style villain, someone who you'd feel would be a perfect fit in Gotham or Sin City. And yet here he is cutting a swath through what you feel could be your real world. This juggernaut of decisive and calculated evil, with pitch black eyes, portals to the dead inside, living by some code of ethics alien to the rest of humanity, accentuated by moments of coin flip ambivalence, and topped off with a very disconcerting hairdoo. Make no mistake, this single character is the high point of this movie.

When the movie was over it didn't really leave me with anything aside from the moral that you should never give a dead mexican water when 2 million dollars is at stake... especially when an anonymous phone call would suffice. Overall, this is probably my least favorite Cohen Brothers movie. That is not to say it isn't good... it's very good... it's just not great. 8/10

Fred Claus (2007)

2007-12-11T01:16:00.000-05:00

Highpoint for me was Ludacris' character. And the outcome of Kevin Spacey's character arc. Other than that, we've got Vince Vaughn playing Vince Vaughn. Blah, blah, blah, formulaic holiday fare. Predictable as all hell. Skip it, and watch Ernest Saves Christmas or Bad Santa again. 6/10

Awake (2007)

2007-12-10T07:46:00.000-05:00

I wanted to see "No Country for Old Men" yesterday, but due to scheduling and timing problems, I ended up seeing this peice of crap movie. I went into it completely blind, knowing nothing about who was starring, let alone plot details. All I knew was that my date thought it looked like a good movie, and seeing as my choice wasn't a possibility, I was fully willing to give this a chance.

FIRST, an interesting aside. We arrived into the movie just as the last preview was ending. My date and I sat in the back row center, having a great vantage point, and ultimate comfort level. From there, we could see there were 5 other people in the theatre: 2 couples near middle center rows, and one lone man off to the center right. About 10 minutes into the movie, the man at center right started snoring. Loudly. I was about to wake him up, but he shifted in his seat and stopped just as I was about to get up. This same man got up about an hour or so into the movie and left, never to come back. After he left, I realized that he must have fell asleep sometime during the previous showing.

I'd call this a "supernatural thriller"... but it was very minimally supernatural, and to call it thrilling would be an insult to the genre. This movie is more of a "stupidnatural bore-er". Yes, it does not even inspire adequate descriptors of it's shittiness.

This movie is shit. Stupid predictable shit. Hayden Christiansen can't fucking act worth a shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Aside from seeing Christopher Macdonald in a non-villainous role... the high point of this movie is Jessica Alba's acting. And I'm 100% serious about that.

I left the theatre wondering how the fuck the people involved in making this didn't realize it was terrible the first day of shooting. I wondered if the actors had read the script before signing on. I wondered why I let my date choose the movie. The premise of the film is the only interesting thing about it. The one sheet is a fucking spoiler. The movie is utter brain dead mediocrity... no, it's even below that. Do not under any circumstances see this uninspired piece of turd vomit, I would not even recommend it to the biggest of 2girls1cup fans. 5/10

Stardust (2007)

2007-12-07T18:43:00.000-05:00

This was a fun little movie. The story is very a disney-like fairy tale... only with slavery, prostitution, cannibalism, murder, and animal abuse. The acting was top notch, and the movie had a great cast. I was particularly a fan of De Niro's character. This is a great movie for people who want to sit down and be entertained, but are getting sick of trilogies and septologies and general episodic movie making. My only complaints are that it was a tad predictable with regard to the love story, and that the special macgical effects while being awesome, were overused to the point where I was no longer impressed. This is a pretty good self contained fairy tale, an excellent one-shot of good versus evil. 8/10

The Rules of Attraction (2002) (with the Carrot Top audio commentary)

2007-12-01T23:30:00.000-05:00

"The Rules of Attraction" (with the Carrot Top audio commentary). I wrote that twice on purpose. Yes, Carrot Top does an audio commentary for a movie he has absolutely nothing to do with, with subject matter absolutely nothing like what you would associate a prop comic like Carrot Top with. I cannot even fathom who came up with the idea for Carrot Top to do the commentary for this movie... but I want to shake their hand. This is perhaps one of the most entertaining audio commentaries I've ever listened to. This movie is absolutely fucking hilarious. Perhaps the best part about it, is that as Carrot Top is doing the commentary, it really becomes clear that he's watching it for the first time. It's like you're sitting in your living room watching a movie with your good pal Carrot Top. Some of the shit he says will make you laugh so hard you'll puke. You really have to experience it for yourself.

Air Guitar Nation (2006)

2007-12-01T21:41:00.000-05:00

It blew my mind. It's amazing how into the story you get. If you haven't seen this, it's a documentary about the Air Guitar World Championships for 2003. It follows two American opponents on their battles against each other, from New York, to Los Angeles, to Oulu Finland. The path to the finals will have you biting your nails and wondering just what will happen next at every turn. It's extremely engrossing and funny, and not without social commentary. It covers both love of music and performance, as well as the grueling real life drama of competition. Air Guitar Nation is to the Music Geek what King of Kong is to the Game Geek, and maybe even more. Highly recommended.

Blood Car (2007)

2007-12-01T12:51:00.000-05:00

Blood Car is a fantastic dark comedy. I liked the overall plot of 'guy with seemingly good intentions, setting down a path that is completely contrary to his beliefs and goals, hopelessly spiraling out of control'. And conceptually, I loved the fact the movie was a blatant oil=blood metaphor bookended with long-winded nonsensical patriotic speeches... Blood Car's writers poke fun at people who take this issue seriously, on both sides. While it wasn't as well written as it could have been, the social commentary it presents is stunningly poignant and at the same time utterly nihilistic. It's absurdist stance is almost perfectly treyparkerian.

I thought this movie was absofuckinglutely hilarious. The puppy tied up in the back yard had me fucking killing myself with laughter. The Candy/Makeup/Puppies scene, the war vet scene "FOLLOW ORDERS! You'll be a hero again!" The dialog writing was pretty funny. I was totally into all the little exchanges between the characters, even the characters like the government agents who only got a monologue or two. The characters all felt like individuals, and they for the most part were acted pretty believably. I really liked the meat eating bitch character. And it was nice to see "my girl" Anna Chlumsky working again. Her character was pretty funny too, even if a bit underdeveloped. The lead in the film turned in a pleasingly comical performance. His vegan breakdown scene, and multiple "out of gas" freakout scenes had me in stitches.

Now, it's possible I'm finding myself liking this movie a lot more than I normally would, simply because I'm fresh off of watching "A Crude Awakening - The Oil Crash", so it's concept resonates with me a little louder than it might with most people... and I consciously acknowledge that the movie has issues with it's soundtrack, writing, and editing... areas in which the movie isn't great, but merely competent. I'd say objectively this movie rates about a 6/10... and I don't usually recommend movies that fall in that range... but Blood Car is an exception. I can't help but be impressed by the boldness of what the makers managed to accomplish, and the budget they accomplished it with. Highly recommended.

Eastern Promises (2007)

2007-11-20T20:55:00.000-05:00

I liked this movie even though going into it I was expecting more action... there really is only one scene of action, and 2 or 3 scenes of violence. The rest is very slowly paced dialog and plotting. I guess I had my expectations set high because of how awesome A History of Violence was... don't get me wrong, this movie was good, but not as good as that. This could have been the Russian Godfather... but it's not. There was what I would call a cop out in the plot, that took away from a lot of the ambiguity of Viggo's character motives, and made the story feel "smaller" than it had to be. I don't hold it against the movie that it didn't go the route I would have wanted it to, but the route it chose was much less interesting and somewhat cliche. I'd go into detail, but I wouldn't want to spoil it. I recommend this movie for crime drama fans. If a History of Violence was a 10/10, then Eastern Promises is an 8/10.

Jan Svankmajer's Little Otik (Otesánek)

2007-11-18T23:48:00.000-05:00

Jan Svankmajer has been one of my favorite artists ever since I saw his utterly surreal version of Alice in Wonderland (Neco z Alenky). This story is I suspect based on some Czech folklore that I am (or was previously) unfamiliar with. The movie is captivating, albeit paced a little slower than it could have been. The editing and effects are amazing. I love the use of stop motion. In addition to oddly powerful visuals, all Svankmajer films I've seen to date also pay very close attention to the sound environment. Every sound effect is emphasized somewhat more than it would be if what he was trying to convey was reality. Because of the odd visuals and fantastic sounds (same reasons I loved his version of Alice), this movie becomes something like a nightmarish fairy tale. This movie has something for everyone, but is not for everyone. Great fun, very entertaining especially for those looking for a break from the typical American take on fairy tales. If Svankmajer's Alice is 9/10, then Little Otik is 8/10.

Beowulf (2007)

2007-11-16T19:24:00.000-05:00

The movie was awesome as is. It gave me a feeling few movies can do. It's action sequences were impossibly over the top and cartoony, and yet it had the tension of a live action movie because the characters were just so life-like... I was transfixed for the whole duration. I absolutely loved it. Angelina Jolie was IMO perfectly recreated. Specifically when they did closeups on her. Same with Beowulf. My only complaint is that the CG seemed somewhat uneven at parts. Some characters just seemed much better done than others. Notably, the Queen and Beowulf's concubine never quite sat right with me. And the fat old king's movements just seemed not-quite-right. Everything else about the movie is phenomenal. [8/10]

Eagle VS Shark (2007)

2007-11-12T19:22:00.000-05:00

I liked it. The stop motion and time lapse sequences seemed somewhat out of place... like maybe they were trying to imbue a Gondry type feel to the movie. I found that I enjoyed the first half of the movie a lot more than the second. The animal party and video game tournament actually looked like a lot of fun. The moping father and breakup sequence, not so much. The movie kinda reminded me of Napoleon Dynamite in the sense that every single character was mentally retarded. Overall, it was a cute little story with funny characters, a decent soundtrack, and colorful visuals. [8/10]

Hot Rod (2007)

2007-11-09T19:20:00.000-05:00

It had all the elements that theoretically would be perfect to entertain me: slapstick comedy, random jokes, quirky characters, 80's throwbacks, wacky video montages parodying movies so long after it should be funny, that it's funny. Not to mention, written, directed, and starring the Lonely Island guys. I wanted to like it, I really did... but it was probably the worst thing they've ever written. To be fair, this was better than most Lorne Michaels produced movies. It's just that this movie simply did not come together for me. I hope the next movie these dudes get put into production has a more compelling script, or at least isn't lamed up for mass consumption. Hot Rod ended up feeling like a tame cross between Napoleon Dynamite (9/10) and Freddy Got Fingered (8/10), with a touch of Wet Hot American Summer (10/10) thrown in for flavor... all much better movies than Hot Rod. [6/10]

Across the Universe (2007)

2007-11-03T19:18:00.000-04:00

Caught this last night on a movie date. First things first... I'm not a huge Beatles fan, I like a few select songs made in their 67-69 range, and my favorite Beatle is Ringo. That out of the way, this movie was pretty enjoyable, albeit plot-wize and thematically, having very little that I haven't already seen before(in other musicals). My girlfriend, who is a pretty big fan of the Beatles (and not nearly as big a movie geek as me), thought it was thoroughly amazing in most all respects. I found the primary love story to be somewhat lacking. I just wasn't really feeling it... the turning points in the relationship seemed forced and clumsily done, I wouldn't say it was overly melodramatic... just that it felt awkward for me. As far as the drama was concerned, I was much more interested in the stories of the satellite characters... Lacking interest in the love story, I found myself wanting more stuff fleshing out those characters. Specifically the Whitebread Ivy League Cabbie Draftee brother, the World wize Black Guitar Virtuoso, and the Cutesy Depressed Asian Lesbian Cheerleader.

The musical dance numbers were interesting, I particularly liked the Army Recruitment dance number, the LSD circus, and the Busty nurses VA hospital sequence. The rest of the musical parts, which formed a large part of the movie's dialog, was cleverly done and interesting, but at times felt somewhat out of place: The writing came off as not quite good... somewhat like the end result of trying to write an interesting story using only song titles from your favorite band. Visually, the movie is colorful collage of awesome... The Beatles cover songs are actually quite well done, and despite my earlier protest, the way the songs are worked into the plot and dialog works more often than not. Recommended for Beatles fans and people on Hallucinogens. Overall, I'd have to give Across the Universe [8/10].

The Tripper (2007)

2007-10-25T03:00:00.000-04:00

The Tripper was entertaining enough. If you're into drug reference comedy and throwbacks to Reaganomics it'll hold more for you. If you're into slashers, I'd say definitely see it. But be warned, it's brand of comedy is an awkward mix: Some people just won't get a joke like "You ever heard of the Trickle down effect?"... "It's where one big asshole goes crazy and the whole world goes to shit." Overall, I liked it... but the pacing of the first 45 minutes or so is a little off. The gore is good, and the cast is surprisingly excellent for such a low budget movie. It's definitely a B movie horror romp... I recommend it on that level. [6/10]

30 Days of Night (2007)

2007-10-22T23:00:00.000-04:00

I thought the effects were fucking stellar... both CG and practical. There's one scene... *cough*decapitation*cough*, that was really really well done. After it happened, I muttered to myself "shame that scene wasn't in a good movie". Other than that though... I pretty much thought everything about this movie was a bowl of crap.

30 Days of Night isn't quite as bad as Skinwalkers... but it's down there, and for pretty much the same reasons: it's a stupid story with characters the writers, and consequently you, could not give a fuck about. I can think of about a hundred good stories based off of the "30 Days of Night" concept... this movie doesn't come close to any of them. The pacing was terrible. How many fucking times can you try the old "fast moving figure flashing in front of the frame, creating startling wooshing noise"... and for christ sakes... I've never been to the arctic circle, so I'm hardly an expert on the subject... but for a movie called "30 days of Night", you don't really get the impression that all that much time is actually passing, and it's never even really all that dark. I didn't hate this movie... the gorehound in me loved the headshots and decapitations... but that's not enough to make me like this bad to mediocre movie. A positive note... the minimalist soundtrack actually kinda worked for me...

Do yourself a favor... if you're considering seeing "30 Days of Night", stay in and just rent Ghosts of Mars and Frostbiten. I guarantee You'll enjoy yourself a lot more. [6/10]

Automaton Transfusion (2007)

2007-10-22T19:13:00.000-04:00

Great gore... bad almost everything else. Lighting, Camerawork, Editing, Music/Score, Acting, Dialog, Pacing, Logic, Originality, "ending". Make no mistake, there's undoubtedly skill involved in this work... the score and editing weren't technically bad... just overly done at points. There are certain sequences where this movie works very well. This bad movie is admirable as an ultra low budget feature length directorial debut, but all in all, I think it would have been much better as a short. [2/10]

Poultrygeist - Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

2007-10-21T23:59:00.000-04:00

Llyod Kaufman introduced it at the screening I was at tonight... that guy is a friendly fucking dude. As for Poultrygeist... the movie accomplishes it's goal. If you are familiar with Troma, you know what that goal is. It is offensive, disgusting, and crass... and utterly entertaining. This tops Terror Firmer as my favorite Troma movie. [8/10]

Murder Party (2007)

2007-10-17T21:58:00.000-04:00

Holy shit, what to say... I was blown away. This movie was released on DVD Oct. 16th, and if you're into Art and Horror, then I say you can't fucking lose with this one. I cannot recommend it enough. Think "Art School Confidential" meets "Hostel"... only funny. No, wait, forget that comparison entirely. It's more like "The Breakfast Club" meets "Saw". Forget that too. This is something all its own. Murder Party is dark comedy at its best. But it's also got a bit of coming of age drama to it, with undertones of social commentary about what it means to actually live one's life.

This movie is an intelligent, funny, spastic, and gory send up of that artistically gifted indie friend of yours who takes their art and themselves a bit too seriously. I am friends with lots of people who go to university for the Arts... I'm aware of the character archetypes and mentalities involved in those scenes... and this movie nails them to the fucking wall, and precedes to spackle them blood, ala Jigsaw Pollock. Yes, that was a Saw reference... I love this movie so much that I will drop the name of a film I despise to make a lame sentence work. Anyways, the Art school caricatures are perfect... but there is also so much more to the characters than just the particular caricature they're modeled from. The protagonist, a straight laced anti-depressant doped schlep, sleepwalking through life; is understated and simple. The contrast with his antagonists works. And it works very well, because every actor in this movie is perfectly cast and acted exquisitely and enticingly.

The effects, music, editing, pacing, and cinematography of the film are all top notch. There is one hand held sequence shortly after things get bloody for the first time, where the camera darts from one character close-up to the next 4 or 5 times, progressing in somewhat of a semi circle, adding a sense of frantic tension to the scene, that I have not seen in a Hollywood movie ever. I was floored and immediately decided I was going to steal that technique if I ever get off my lazy ass and make a film. On a purely technical level, the movie is almost perfect. My one complaint is it lingers on certain shots a bit too long.

If you want to see a movie that is brilliantly written, technically impressive, genuinely funny, original, heart warming and disgusting all at the same time, and just an overall deliciously well done movie, then pick up Murder Party. (9/10)

Bloodrayne II: Deliverance (2007)

2007-10-10T18:53:00.000-04:00

I'm not exactly sure why I watch Uwe Boll movies. I've only ever really enjoyed myself watching House of the Dead, and the others are just fucking painful to endure, even while surrounded by like minded friends. This is one of those. Like Alone in the Dark, it challenges to be so bad it's bad, sprinkled intermittently with liberal doses of mediocrity, and wins that challenge. The flavor of this movie is like most Boll movies: unoriginal. BloodRayne 2 did have some good things going for it though. Apparently most of the outlaw legends of the wild west were actually Vampires! That's an interesting concept... Boll does fuck all with it except for rip off the Quick and the Dead, and a few other westerns I'm sure (I'm not that big on westerns). The chick who played Rayne(Natassia Malthe) is apparently (either purposefully or by accident) crafting one of those Z grade movie starlet careers that will be the stuff of legend in years to come: Halloween 8, Elektra, Bloodsuckers, Skinwalkers, DOA: Dead or Alive, and now BloodRayne II... and those are just her IMDb credits that I've personally seen. This movie has everything needed to make a decent movie... but it doesn't even come close. I'm seriously beginning to think that Boll is some form of avant garde comedian, playing audio visual jokes on the people who watch his movies. Don't even think about watching this movie unless you're a masochist. [3/10]

Hatchet (2007)

2007-09-30T19:00:00.000-04:00

I liked it... The cameos were good. But I wanted every single annoying character to die. That's a flaw. The movie has to give me at least one person to root for... aside from the killer. But the characters in this movie weren't the least bit funny. This movie's tag line of "Old School American Horror" isn't really appropriate. I mean, as far as old school horror goes, IMO it's one big step below stuff like the House of Wax and Hills Have Eyes remakes. If they had bothered to write one or two characters that were the least bit endearing, and maybe played it as a dark-comedy instead of a comedy-comedy... it might have been a bit better. The score, while not bad... didn't seem like it suited the movie. It was the same generic ominous choir voices and booming orchestra peaks over and over, for each building sequence. It would have benefited from a cajun flare to it's sound. I mean, throw in a banjo or something. The only thing this movie has going for it was the gore... which, thankfully was enough to make it worthwhile for me, because IT WAS AWESOME. That being said, despite the FREAKING AMAZING gore and creature effects, the set pieces were severely lacking. They could have tried harder. Again, I liked it, but found it somewhat mediocre. 6/10

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)

2007-09-26T23:59:00.000-04:00

The movie starts out with a summary of world events after the ending of Resident Evil Apocalypse. The scene with the Dogs and the wastelanders felt a bit out of place, but was a totally awesome sequence. I suppose this was meant to give us an idea of what Alice had been going through for the past 3 years. Even still, from the moment the movie started, I felt like I was missing a movie. There's a disconnect between the ending of RE:Apocalypse and where RE:Extinction picks up, which is admittedly loosely tied together with a melodramatic half sentence 3/4 through the movie... but it still felt like a disconnect, especially after the overlap that joined part 1 with part 2.

I liked how Extinction tied into the first: specifically what the A.I. of the Vegas Hive had to say about her Raccoon City sister's actions. They overused the "scene changing" effects: they'd either zoom out to space to show the location on desolate desert earth or switch to CAD mode to show just how deep the Umbrella Corporation compound goes. Each was used at least 4 times. The 3rd time for each I was like "Ok... that's enough". The fourth time... I just laughed and stopped counting. Other than that, and a few gratuitous but forgivable slow-mo Milla moments, the editing of this movie was far far far better for action than the previous movies. The dog and crow sequences were spectacular. The "super zombie" massacre... not so much, even though it had some awesome gore effects. The climax/showdown was fucking sweet... it was pretty much better than anything in the X-men movies.

As for the rest of Extinction: the convoy had a Road Warrior vibe... but did nothing interesting with it. There were a few lines about zombies taken almost verbatim from Dawn of the Dead, and the sequence with the smart zombie was totally Day of the Dead, both of which played to great effect for me. Others might see it as a rip off. My main beef with the movie, is that the script tragically doesn't really develop Claire or Carlos as characters. A little development of Claire's character might have made her big speech/vote scene a bit less laughable, and something similar with Carlos might have given his character a bit more significance in the big picture. I'd also like to have seen more of Wesker. I suppose for this to be the movie I wanted it to be, it would have had to be about 15-20 minutes longer... and a 2 hour R rated popcorn movie isn't likely to make it's money back theatrically. Oh well. C'est la vie. Here's to hoping for a decent extended edition DVD.

The movie has a great and epic ending. It wasn't a masterpiece.... but it was fun. At the very least Resident Evil: Extinction is a decent action post apocalyptic zombie flick, and it's not without suspense either. Overall it's an excellent way to cap off the trilogy (assuming this is the last). If the first Resident Evil was 8/10, the second 6/10, then Resident Evil: Extinction is an entertaining 8/10.

Flight of the Living Dead (2007)

2007-09-13T19:08:00.000-04:00

This one is a few notches above your standard made for Sci-Fi channel movie. It's even got a few 3rd tier Hollywood supporting cast faces in leading rolls. I actually really liked it. It's on par with House of the Dead 2. It's a little light on the logic... but it's a zombie movie... I'm sure if you are even remotely considering watching it, you can probably look past that and enjoy it. [6/10]

Bridge to Terabithia (2007)

2007-09-05T13:02:00.000-04:00

I had heard nothing about this movie. I did not even know it was a book. My girlfriend made me watch it with her. It was a great kid's movie... until it distracted me with some overtly faith based perspectives on existence, and then immediately ripped my heart out and shat it back into my mouth. It's rare a movie makes me feel my own feelings. 9/10.

Balls of Fury (2007)

2007-09-03T02:09:00.000-04:00

Balls of Fury was fucking hilarious. Every single character in the movie had me laughing. I loved it. I had to keep explaining to my girlfriend why certain scenes were funny... so in that sense... it's definitely not for everyone. But, I think maybe this movie can get by on the awesomeness of the characters alone. you will definitely get more out of it if you've seen quite a few shaw brothers kung fu movies. and there's more than one joke where it's essentially required that you have seen enter the dragon to get. hence the warning about me having to explain stuff to my girlfriend. the movie relies heavily on whether or not it's audience has seen these movies in order for some of it's humor to be effective. there's also references to quite a few other random movies and iconic characters(who's names i shall withhold, for the sake of surprise) that were thrown in and that had me laughing. overall, the movie is a great popcorn flick and a funny way to waste an afternoon. another thing to add i suppose is that it seemed like it was over very quickly... although not to it's detriment. overall, i'll reiterate, i think the movie delivers. If Dodge Ball was 9/10, Beerfest was 6/10, then Balls of Fury is IMO, an admirable 8/10.

The Invasion (2007)

2007-08-20T20:10:00.000-04:00

Not nearly as bad as all the reviews are saying. It's a decent Sci-fi flick, and a remake that doesn't rehash the original, or the remakes that have come before it. Admittedly, it does feel a bit like it's a made for TV movie starring Hollywood actors, but it's still entertaining. If the original Invasion of the Body Snatchers is an 8/10, the 1970's remake a 9/10, the 90's remake a 6/10, then the 2007 incarnation of Invasion has to be just about an 8/10.

Inland Empire (2006)

2007-08-13T18:56:00.001-04:00

Oh David Lynch. You crazy fuck. It took me two sittings... but I watched all this. There were shining moments of awesome. That being said, I think I might have been bored by this movie... as it moves VERY slow... but I simply could NOT STOP WATCHING. Lynch has a way with his visual style(s) that keeps you interested, no matter how mundane his subject might appear to be. I suppose the score probably contributed quite a bit to that as well... It is very very good. This movie breaks a lot of the 'rules' that I generally think are required for a movie to be considered 'good'. With regards to writing; the themes, characters, plot, continuity, pacing... all atypical. If any one of these elements were in a normal movie, it would drag it down. But... the movie's style complements it's content. And Lynch manages to make it all work together.

I don't know of any other technically competent accomplished director who dares to experiment to the degree Lynch does in this film. On top of that, he gets performances from actors that other directors would kill for. They are very weird, and yet they are very convincing. Not to mention, well cast. It makes me wonder what these actor's motivations were... since it seems unlikely to me they had an idea of the big picture. Laura Dern has pretty damn good dramatic range in this movie. Her characters go from demure dame to slack jawwed white trash. My only complaint is that she seemed to have only one "WTF Face". For a movie with this many WTFs, you really need at least 3 different WTF faces. If you see the movie you'll know what I mean. Other than that, she was really very good, and Mr. Lynch was right to promote her performance in this film by tethering a dairy cow to a random Hollywood streetcorner for an afternoon.

The movie played out like a bizarre schizophrenic nightmare. Certain scenes (the crying girl) in particular, while lacking any immediate logical explanation, still manage to appeal on a purely emotive level. Other scenes, the "locomotion" conscience dance routine, are downright creepy and hilarious. There are a lot of little things like that, that somewhat inexplicably, just work. I'm sure a decent editor could take this movie and make 4 or 5 completely independent and interesting short films.I wouldn't say I enjoyed it... at least not on the same level I did Blue Velvet and Wild at Heart. I was actually kinda bored while watching it... but I found it fascinating enough that I couldn't just stop. And when I took an intermission, I found myself thinking about it, where it was going, and I could not stop telling other people about it. So... I enjoyed it, but not in the sense one enjoys watching a normal movie with a "typical" type of story. This movie's "entertainment value" is definitely is not obtained from that avenue. It's more like the entertainment one gets from looking at installation art; definitely more successful when interpreted as some sort of audio/visual poetry, as opposed to a narrative prose. Mulholland Drive is arguably his best movie because it treads the line between those two perfectly.

Inland Empire isn't as edgy as Lost Highway, and it's not nearly as fun a puzzlebox as Mulholland Drive. For his next film, I'd like to see something with a traditional story/plot. Something more along the lines of Blue Velvet or Wild at Heart, because on a pure entertainment level, Inland Empire will fail the vast majority of people based on it's pacing and length alone. All in all, I can't bring myself to rate this film. I need to let it sink in for a year or two. To see if maybe the desire to watch it again ever arises. I can't recommend Inland Empire to anyone who isn't already absolutely fascinated by the work of David Lynch.

Shoot 'Em Up (2007)

2007-08-10T21:43:00.000-04:00

I loved this movie. At first I found myself a bit disappointed with Monica Belluci's performance... as it seemed a bit understated for a movie that is 'over the top' by every other possible metric... but later in the movie she kind of grew on me, and actually served to compliment the absolute insanity of everything else. And considering the most mundane thing in the movie is a lactating prostitute, that says a lot. Owen and Giamatti are perfect as opposing extremes of Hero and Villain. Honestly, I am not more than half an hour out of seeing this movie, and I simply must say I loved every second of it. It's pacing rivals that of crank, and it's subject matter exceeds it in utter implausibility. This is a movie that knows what it is, knows who it's audience is, and knows how to fucking deliver. If the Transporter 2 is 8/10, and Crank is 9/10... then that makes Shoot 'Em Up, an absolutely ridiculously extreme, and insanely fun 10/10.

"Yeah, with the Ecks Vs. Sevver vibe I was getting from that shit, I'm NEVER seeing it!" - Brian Gilmore

Whoa. That's actually a pretty good comparison coming from someone who hasn't seen the movie. I'm going to admit I liked Ecks Vs. Sevver(1/10) on the level that I was amazed such a magnificent piece of shit was actually made. The terrible part about it though; the part thats so bad it's bad, is that nobody involved in making it seemed to know what it was, or where it was going. It's a mess of bad writing, converted to and strung together as amateurish action scenes, filmed, scored, and edited with zero style, and played as though it were a 'who sucks at acting more' contest between Antonio Banderas and Luci Lui... which baffles me, since they both then go on to play the ridiculous hyper action genre right with Once Upon a Time in Mexico(8/10) and Charlie's Angel's 2: Full Throttle (6/10). Where those previous movies are inconsistent or fail entirely, and where Ballistic is utterly incompetent, Shoot 'Em Up manages to excel.

Halloween (2007)

2007-08-03T04:13:00.000-04:00

Black Christmas, a low budget Canadian production with an incredibly small 1976 theatrical run was relatively unknown until Home Video in the early 80's. It's entirely plausible that John Carpenter and Debra Hill had never even heard of it before writing and filming Halloween, let alone saw the movie. The first person sequences from both movies were copped from earlier Italian genre films. The escaped mental patient killer is a very well known urban legend. And the fact both take place on holidays... mere coincidence. That being said, I think Clark's Black Christmas is a much better film than Carpenter/Hill's Halloween. But, Zombie's Halloween Remake is infinitely better than the Black Christmas remake.

That's right. The following is a postitive review! In addition to that, I'll preface this with the fact that I do not like the original Halloween. I think it's boring and tame, and overall, a pretty stupid movie. And yes, I fully understand that what is supposed to make that movie great is that you don't know anything about meyers or his motivations. He's "the shape of evil". I get it. I just don't find it entertaining. Don't even get me started about it's terrible terrible sequels. In my opinion the only things that are good about the first Halloween movie are:

1) It made John Carpenter rich
2) The John Carpenter Score
3) The First Person perspective scenes
4) Judith Meyer's boobs.
5) Donald Pleasance's overacting as the nutty Dr. Loomis

As for Rob Zombie's version of Halloween, I actually thought it was alright. I liked it slightly more than Devil's Rejects, because unlike the Devil's Rejects, this movie does not fall apart in the last 20 minutes. Maybe the reason I liked this movie is because it wasn't really like the original (aside from the names of people & places). There is no mystery in this movie... In Rob Zombie's Halloween... you get to know Michael Myers, and you get to know what you think are his motivations. Zombie cops a few kills from the earlier films, has Laurie Strode walking through suburbia looking over her shoulder, and includes a few other nods to the first 2 movies.

Spoilers hidden.
(Hidden)
The first death scene was SOOO WELL DONE... for those who've seen the movie, and weren't distracted by laughing from the previous scene when the girlish looking meyers walks down his school hallway, frowning in slo-mo to his theme music... you'll recognize that Zombie can put together a decent scene. Sure it was the death of a character who was clearly from the start more than any other, designed to die... but the way it's handled just works. The way the camera cuts toward the trees for the killing blow was awesome.

When Meyers starts killing, you don't really feel he's done all that much wrong... but then he continues to kill, more and more, you think, "ok, killing that person wasn't quite right"... and then lines keep getting crossed until much like Dr. Loomis, you're forced to conclude that he is pure evil incarnate.

I just watched the workprint(review below)... and found it thoroughly boring. But, it did give me some insight as to why the theatrical version was so imbalanced.

Zombie's vision was to make Myers human... and in the workprint, I think he does that successfully. In the theatrical, with the(what I assume are producer/focus group fueled) reshoots, I think the movie despite itself works quite well as a misdirection piece. It makes you identify with the human myers, then it shows you that he's not quite human after all, forcing you to the same conclusion that Loomis comes to half way through the film(and then conveniently forgets).

The theatrical version is terribly imbalanced. When I originally reviewed the movie, I think I was giving Zombie too much credit for what I saw as bold attempts at doing something different. The theatrical version doesn't reflect what I now know was his original vision, and what it does manage to accomplish, it is either flawed or contradictory.

I mean, if myers is indeed the boogyman; an entity of pure evil... what's the deal with the fucking picture party in the basement? Why did he take the body of the girl who he killed during the Don't Fear The Reaper deja vu flashback moment to when he killed his sister, and then lay her corpse at his mother's grave? That doesn't make any fucking sense... unless it's the only clue to Michael's multiple personalities. And I refuse to believe that's actually the case, as such subtlety seems to be far above the rest of this film's overpowering blatancy.

I rated this movie on par with the original Halloween... but upon review of that rating, I realize I must have been on crack. This movie isn't nearly as good. It's got serious problems with it's writing, specifically with it's inconsistent logic. Rob Zombie's Halloween is the inferior film, but it's still more entertaining to me than the original.

The soundtrack was ridiculous. The whole theatre laughed when the "Love Hurts" scene hit.The ending sequence kinda dragged a bit... there was a completely unnecessary "McClean in the airduct" scene... and the gas station scene with Big Joe Grizzley, although funny, only slowed the movie down. But overall, the rest of the movie was fine. I almost busted a gut when the girl breaks out of the locked room(after neglecting to kill meyers when she had the chance), only to find out she's fenced in... gets out of the fence, only to find out she's under a trap door, manages to get out of the trap door... only to fall into a pool. It was funny... unintentionally so.

Overall, the movie entertained me... sometimes unintentionally. But I don't think the Loomis character was crazy enough. I was amazed how much Shari Moon-Zombie looked like Jaime Lee Curtis during the institution scenes. Some of the previous criticism ring true: This movie is violent, but not really scary... but then again neither was it's source material IMO. The scary part of this movie is that you don't really blame Meyers for his evil at first... you identify with him. If only Zombie's first movie had been given the leeway this movie has with it's brutality... House of 1000 corpses might have actually been a decent flick. If House of 1000 Corpses is a 6/10, and Devil's Rejects is an 8/10, then I'd have to peg Rob Zombie's Remake of Halloween at 6/10 as well.

_______________:Halloween 2007 (Workprint)
It maintained Rob Zombie's vision... but this movie is not very entertaining at all. If Donald Pleasance as Loomis was the highpoint of the original, then Malcolm Mcdowell as Loomis is the low point of this movie. Malcom Mcdowell fucking sucked in this. It's like Rob Zombie didn't care about his performance at all, or was afraid to give him some direction. The same can be said of almost every character in the second half of the movie. It was indescribably bland. The Rape scene was laughable and rightly cut from the film. The ending, although consistent with what Zombie seemed to be trying to do with the rest of the movie (sympathize with Meyers), was stupid and boring and anticlimactic. The theatrical version is much more entertaining, manages to convey some misdirection of motive, and give the viewer conflicted feelings about the killer, and it has a better ending. If you're a fan of Zombie, or even just a fan of the genre, skip watching the workprint... it's neither good enough or bad enough to waste time on.
If you must watch a version of this movie, see the theatrical version, it is a very different and much more entertaining film, even if it's technically not much better. If the original Halloween is 8/10, and the Devil's Rejects is 8/10, then that makes the Rob Zombie Halloween Remake 6/10, and it's workprint, 5/10.

The Bourne Supremacy (2007)

2007-07-25T18:33:00.000-04:00

I'm not a fan of the frenetic camera style, or the over the shoulder/back of the ear cam for intense conversations(tm), but the cinematography aside, this is a great cap to the story. If the Bourne Identity was an 8/10, and the Bourne Supremacy was 8/10, then the Bourne Ultimatum is also 8/10. To me, this is an extremely consistent trilogy, and even better is that each entry is able to fully stand on it's own.

Hairspray (2007)

2007-07-22T21:55:00.000-04:00

It's better than the original version... and almost exactly the same as the theatrical production, which I saw ~2 years ago. I fucking loved it. It was the perfect balance of excellent casting, great performances, fun cameos, amazing humor rife with puns and double entendre, a fantastic period piece, and great music and lyrics, not to mention conveying an overwhelmingly positive moral. It was marvelously efficient too... I sat down, began watching, and next thing I know it's ~2 hours later and my cheeks ache from smiling so much. Not once did I think to myself "i've been watching this for x minutes now"... the experience was immersive and consistently entertaining. I was doubtful of Travolta's performance for the first bit of the movie... but it totally grew on me. His accent is perfect. My only complaint is that at times he sounds too much like a woman! Michelle Pfeiffer was totally Cruella DeVil-ish in this... she was the perfect villain. Christopher Walken... is Christopher Walken... what more can be said. This movie is amazing. It saddens me that there was only 4 other people in the theater I saw it in aside from myself and my date. It's a shame really... I literally can't think of a single thing that would have made this movie any better. [10/10]

Fido (2006)

2007-07-09T21:47:00.000-04:00

It plays like an alternate past/parallel present type deal... very interestingly and succesfully capturing that "50's" overly patriotic "your neighbors might be communist" feeling. It's somewhat of a period piece. Billy Connolly as Fido is absolutely genius. The man nails the role. My only complaint is that the kid in the movie could have been better cast. The movie does drag at points and would have benefited from being edited down to about an hour long.

Transformers (2007)

2007-07-03T02:31:00.000-04:00

I thought the movie was alright. I don't like how some pointless characters got more screen time than some of the key transformers. The movie wasted far too much time on human character development, and spent not nearly enough time developing the robots. I feel like I got to know Bernie Mack's character more than I did Rachett or Iron Hide, or any of the Decepticons. It may have started as a retarded cartoon to sell a toy line... but a vast universe evolved out of that, with a rich history and deep and distinctive characters. Out of all the adaptations of the Transformers over the years, the various cartoons, comic books, and video game incarnations... this version by far has the least effort put into developing the transformers as actual characters with any measure of depth.

Entire sequences, like the soldiers in Iraq, or the Hackers/Sector 7 Tuturro/Secretary of Defense Voight/morse code sequences could have been cut and the movie wouldn't have suffered. I guess Michael Bay just wanted to make everyone in this movie a hero in some way. And, some things didn't quite make sense or weren't explained sufficiently... like why the auto bots seemed to arrive on earth at just the right time, why the allspark only seemed to make evil robots.

Another problem I had with the my experience was the action was too fast for 24 frames per second. Half of the time I could not tell just WTF was going on. I have this problem to some degree with most action movies, so it's not something that is wrong with the movie itself, although this movie was especially bad in that regard. Despite that, overall I enjoyed the movie. It has quite a few nods to it's predecessors, right down to a single line expressing the relationship between Megatron and Starscream. And, it sets itself up for a sequel in more than one way, yet is a fairly satisfying self contained story in it's own right. Could have been better... but I liked it. [8/10]

Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)

2007-06-18T21:52:00.000-04:00

UGH. This movie has numerous inconsistencies, and leaves so much unexplained. It feels like there were extensive scenes missing. SPOILERS: Why does the Surfer's ability to transmute matter cause Torch to SWITCH powers with whomever he touches for the first half of the movie... and when it comes to the ridiculous Doom-Surfer VS Supers-Sktorch battle, somehow he is able to not just switch powers, but absorb all 3 powers, and retains his original power. Oh, and for some reason he knows how to wield them all perfectly. The Dr. Doom regeneration was not explained sufficiently. The mechanism behind how the Surfer was able to destroy the space cloud who I refuse to acknowledge as Galactus, was not explained at all. To top it all off, the climax wasn't all that exciting, even though it was better than the one in the first movie.
I liked the comedic elements of the movie, they didn't feel out of place, and it was thankfully light on the melodrama. Overall it is about as bad as Spiderman 3 and X3, and slightly better than Ghostrider. It is however not nearly as disappointing as the 3 aforementioned abominations, as it was almost exactly what I expected. (6/10)

Big Nothing (2006)

2007-06-15T21:54:00.000-04:00

Pegg with an american accent is disorienting!. Big Nothing's tone is somewhat like "The Whole 9 Yards", employing a cast of quirky characters, only Big Nothing is much much darker. The whole movie is basically a downward spiral where things go from bad to badder to baddest. Watching events unfold in Big Nothing was incredibly fun not to mention unpredictable. But, it's a dark comedy with a moral. A lot of people are gonna be put off by the ending I think... but I absolutely loved it. This is a great movie!!! If The Whole 9 Yards is 9/10, then Big Nothing is a solidly entertaining 8/10.

Deja Vu (2006)

2007-06-12T13:18:00.001-04:00

There are a lot of things about this movie that don't make sense. The call the girl places to the ATF couldn't have been used as evidence, since the timeline she made the call in was the timeline in which the disaster didn't happen. And the note sent to the partner is troublesome since the ending of the movie shows that multiple universes exist, so we know that the first note being sent back could not have been sent by the same version of the team that we saw send it, since it already existed in their past. So the note was sent by a parallel team who's past didn't include the note, the dead partner, the bulletholed SUV, and thus the need for the dead girl and her SUV, and the involvement of Detective Doug: Who, if you remember, corrected the spelling of "surveillance" before the note was sent. The note that they witnessed arriving was the spelling corrected version, and thus is sent by the same team, not a parallel one, and is infact a continuity error. If the note that arrived had been uncorrected in spelling, it could have been a clever and subtle way to make the movie logically work with regards to the note. but someone in production must have missed that detail, or simply wanted to push the divine intervention angle at the expense of the hard science fiction. I don't know why I even cared enough to write all that... the movie lost me the moment he shined the red laser pointer on THE DISPLAY MONITOR and it appeared in the past. Retarded. This movie is actually worse than The Lake House because it is halfassed in it's nonsensicality.

I can accept a few flaws in movies dealing with timetravel. It's perfectly easy to overlook the fading pictures/newspapers/mcfly's in the Back to the Future trilogy, because those elements when overlooked don't wreck the timelines as displayed, and are present simply to add tension for, and explain what's happening to mainstream people who can't grasp the concepts... but when your movie consists almost entirely of elements equivalent to goofs like old Biff' somehow being able to return to his future of origin after changing the past... that's too many things to overlook, and too many things that are wrong with Deja Vu. It baffles me to believe that someone got paid 5 million dollars for this screenplay. Watch "Primer" to see timetravel done right. 5/10

Hostel: Part II (2007)

2007-06-11T21:51:00.000-04:00

The opening sequence tying up the loose ends from the first movie was quite good, and classic in a way. The rest of the movie is disappointing. In addition to featuring multiple off-screen deaths, the tension and buildup of the movie is completely wasted since the it showcases the villains motives as well as the victims. Not to mention the movie is almost completely void of any point or moral at all. While the first one had numerous levels of subtext, this one seems content to embrace only one of these themes: that being that women can be pricks too. That being said, the only gore/torture scene in the movie revolves around that theme. The stronger overall theme, "money is power" isn't something Roth should have tried to build a movie around. But honestly, I don't really have a suggestion for what to build the sequel around, since I don't think that Hostel 1 needed a sequel. Before seeing the movie I thought Hostel 2 was going to suck because it was going to be made as a movie to make the most amount of money possible... but it wasn't that. This seems to be a genuine effort, and that's what made it so disappointing... it's just a mediocre movie at best. Marginally better than a SAW movie, leagues worse than the first Hostel. [6/10]

28 Weeks Later (2007)

2007-05-20T21:57:00.000-04:00

Yes, yes, yes, hope and compassion will be our downfall, great idea, now show me an entertaining movie with that theme... The only part that really got me was a jump scare in the opening scene involving the blonde girl. I had exactly 2 big problems with this movie: First and foremost, the shakey cam. Its lazy, and only serves to disorient the audience. It isn't immersive at all (how often when you're running do you lose all sense of direction?! usually you're pretty focused). Shakycam takes me out of the moment, and only serves to make me realize how fucking shaky the camera is(like in Spiderman 3 when the cops are looking for sandman in the conveniently placed truck full of sand), and if it persists for long enough(like the entire movie, in 28 weeks later's case), it gives me a wicked headache. The second problem, was the "Daddy is everywhere and just kinda chillin' sometimes" deal. I recognize that Carlisle is a big star, and serious props for effectively killing him off early... but having him hang around for the rest of the movie and giving him telepathy/GPS was a stupid mistake. Those 2 things were enough to ruin a lot of the fun for me.... makes me wish I had stuck to my Spiderman 3 induced no movie diet for a while longer. If 28 Days is a (9/10) then 28 Weeks is (6/10).

Spider-Man 3 IS A PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE

2007-05-05T08:08:00.000-04:00

This movie spoils itself... But, SPOILERS:

I kept thinking to myself "would the story have been stronger without sandman, without Harry, or without Venom?"... and I couldn't decide. None of it is really fleshed out all that well. The sad part is I think it could have been successful using all 3 villains. If they had just infected Spidey with the symbiont in the first 15 minutes instead of having the Harry fight and then having James Franco play his amnesia brain damaged goofy grin for 45 minutes, the movie would have flowed better and made a lot more sense:

-Have Spidey get infected with the suit at the very beginning.
-Cut the absurd harry has amnesia bullplop.
-Focus on Harry manipulating Peter and Mary Jane in order to set up his revenge.
-The black suit struggle/Peter's slide to the dark side would be fueled by Harry's manipulations, competition with Brock, and finding out the man who killed Uncle Ben is still at large.
-Cut the "sandman is a familyman" crap, and just have Spiderman go nuts with the powers of the new suit(give in to his dark side) and out and out kill him. Why can't anyone just be a thug with super powers, it's always something... (crazy gas, amoral A.I., or "bad luck"...).
-Leave the ridiculous Peter turning into John Travolta sequence intact, even though it's terrible and distracting.
-Have Peter ruin Brock's life, bang his girlfriend, do "unpete-like" things, etc...
-Have 1 showdown with Peter almost killing Harry/GG2(as opposed to 2).
-Have Jazz club scene, but have Peter actually hit Mary Jane on purpose, then realize he's out of control, and ditch the suit because he's clearly too powerful to be responsible.
-Dedicate the last half hour of the film to Peter dealing with Brock/Venom.
-Maybe kill off Aunt May, seriously injure Mary Jane, have Harry come out of a coma to save MJ from Venom (making the ultimate sacrifice), but not necessarily forgiving Peter for everything he thinks he did.

The movie would have probably come in under 2 hours, and would have been a lot stronger.

As the movie actually played out, the first half, which is actually paced pretty well. The only thing that doesn't work well is that the fact the venom symbiont basically lives under Peter Parker's nightstand for a couple WEEKS:

-Symbiont meteorite coincidentally lands in central park while peter and mary jane are stargazing.
-Symbiont hitches a ride on the license plate of parker's scooter.
-Symbiont plays it cool, and chills on the back of the scooter while peter drops off MJ and goes to pay Auntie May a visit to hear stories about things Uncle Ben used to dangle in front of her face on the beach.
-Symbiont watches over parker's scooter for him while GG2 chases him all over the city, then gets his face caved in, gets amnesia, becomes retarded, then mutters some every so important foreshadowing to himself about how he'd give his life for his friends (who's lives he then tries to destroy again, a week or so later)
-the next morning, MJ comes by to whine to peter about how much she sucks, but luckily for peter, there's an inexplicably out of control crane across town.
-Symbiont is now inexplicably hiding under peter's nightstand(perhaps it pawned the busted scooter then took a cab). MJ hears it, but is too sad about her abusive father to investigate.
-There's a parade a couple days later, Mary Jane gets fired, there's a botched proposal, a day or so later there's some retroactive continuity and all of a sudden Sandman was the guy who killed uncle ben!
-symbiont finally infects peter while he's having a wet dream about his uncle getting offed... movie is more than half over.

Aside from being horribly written, the worst part, is that peter starts to lose himself far before the symbiont even bonds with him (or duplicates his suit and hangs his original suit in his closet). He already is in a dark mood and doing uncharacteristic things long before he's infected. Terrible, terrible, terrible, script.... and this is just the problems I have relating to the symbiont in the first half of the film. Don't get me started on the problems with Harry, or Sandman, or the entire second half.... holy fucking shit. The more I think about this movie the more I don't want to think about it. But I can't stop blathering:

Again, the first showdown with Harry came too early, and the second showdown with him was 100% superfluous. The Emo Parker transformation was ridiculous and stupid. I get that was the point... but still. After playing the entire first half of the movie straight... the second half is almost a parody of everything Raimi had accomplished with the first 2 films.

What the shit was with Brock and Spidey coincidentally meeting up at the church!? That's almost as bad as in Daredevil when Bullseye, Electra, Daredevil, and the cops all meet up on the same rooftop, inexplicably. I did get a kick out of Topher Grace praying... asking Jesus to kill for him. I mean who hasn't done that at least once in their lives. 3 minutes later! venom teams up with sandman "You don't like Spiderman, I don't like Spiderman, let's get Spiderman". Sandman steps out of character and decides "ok"... then out of nowhere, Alfred "deus ex machina retro con" the Butler, decides to drop the bomb that, "oh yeah, your dad surely did kill himself, not spiderman, should have told you that last film, but it slipped my mind. moops." the retarded news coverage "HOW MUCH MORE CAN HE TAKE!!!", the extremely obvious flashbacks to a scene that happened 10 minutes previously "the suit doesn't like sound!". And these are just the things I can remember thinking were terrible off the top of my head. Jesus. fucking. christ: i pray to you, put me out of my misery.

I have never been to a highly anticipated movie where the entire audience treated almost every single character and scene with animosity. When Mary Jane cried, they laughed. When Peter bitch slapped her after the Jazz club scene, the crowd laughed. When Harry Died, they laughed. When sandman blew away, after that ever so touching "i forgive you!", I was the guy yelling "AND OFF TO NEVER NEVER LAND-UH!".

Spiderman 3 is slightly above X-Men 3 in quality when you consider it scene for scene... but it's far far far far far more of a letdown simply because it could have been good. X-Men 3 at least had a coherent story. Spiderman 3 is a disjointed hodgepodge... extremely poorly constructed at it's very basic level. And there's no way that Raimi didn't know this before he shot a single frame... This is spiteful film making. Sure Raimi may have been spiting the producers and not the audience... but the end result is the same. I am literally disgusted to the point where I am going to take a break from watching movies for a while. (6/10)

UGH. Sam Raimi, you owe me twelve Canadian dollars, and a fucking apology.

Altered (2006)

2007-01-11T21:01:00.000-05:00

I thought the creature and gore effects were this movie's strong point. I think the monster looked awesome! The story kinda reminded me of a cross between Feast and Dreamcatcher. The movie isn't quite as good as either of those, but it's still watchable. (6/10)

Masters of Horror: William Malone's Fair haired Child

2007-01-07T21:39:00.000-05:00

I find it incredibly hard to believe that the similarities between William Malone's "Fair haired Child Johnny" and Chris Cunningham's "Rubber Johnny" are coincidences.

Not only do they have the same name, but the characters look virtually identical, they both make use of "night vision", and they move in strobe-stutter-like fashion (I'll admit the movement is more like Samara than rubber johnny).

In addition to those 4 startling coincidences, there's the matter of Lori Petty's window splat eyeball gore, also similar to scenes from the The Rubber Johnny Aphex Twin music video by Chris Cunningham.

I'd accept that the Fair Haired Johnny creature was created without prior knowledge of the Rubber Johnny video, but somewhere in production someone had to notice the similarities... and maybe that's why they decided to change the character's name to Johnny and add that piece of window splat gore at the end as tribute?

Oh well. Rip-off, tribute, or amazing coincidence, it was a decent episode. (8/10)

Top10 of 2006: Scifi Fantasy Horror Thriller

2006-12-12T23:46:00.001-05:00

The following includes practically every scifi/fantasy/horror/thriller I've seen this year:

-Top 10 of 2006: Scifi/Fantasy/Horror/Thriller
1) Pan's Labyrinth [9/10]
2) Hard Candy [9/10]
3) The Hills Have Eyes (2006) [9/10]
4) Monster House 3-D [9/10]
5) Slither [9/10]
6) The Descent (2005) [8/10]
7) Feast [8/10]
8 ) Hostel [8/10]
9) Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny [8/10]
10)Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning [8/10]

-Decent movies-
Frostbiten [8/10]
Severance [8/10]
Abominable [8/10]
Snakes on a Plane [8/10]
V for Vendetta [8/10]
The Fountain [8/10]
House of the Dead 2 [8/10]
Subject Two [8/10]
The Breed [8/10]
Stranger than Fiction [8/10]
Tideland [8/10]
Beerfest [8/10]
Superman Returns [8/10]
District B13 [8/10]

-Watchable movies-
See No Evil [6/10]
The woods [6/10]
Silent Hill [6/10]
Freak Out! [6/10]
Renaissance [6/10]
Lady in the Water [6/10]
Desperation [6/10]
The Plague [6/10]
The Host [6/10]
Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest [6/10]
Day Watch [6/10]

-Mediocre movies-
Final Destination 3 [5/10]
Ultraviolet [5/10]
X-Men: The Last Stand [5/10]
Feed [5/10]
Karla [5/10]
Population 436 [5/10]
Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave [5/10]
DOA: Dead or Alive [5/10]
Pulse [5/10]
Click [5/10]
The Covenant [5/10]

-Shitty Movies-
Saw 3 [4/10]
Evil Bong [4/10]
Underworld Evolution [4/10]
Stay Alive [4/10]
2001 maniacs [4/10]
Scary Movie 4 [3/10]
Bloodrayne [2/10]
Andre the Butcher [2/10]
The Quick and the Undead [2/10]
The Butterfly Effect 2 [1/10]
Snakes on a Train [1/10]
Return of the Living Dead: Necropolis [1/10]

___MASTERS OF HORROR____
101 - Don Coscarelli -Incident On and Off a Mountain Road (9/10)
102 - Stuart Gordon - Dreams in the Witchhouse (9/10)
103 - Tobe Hooper - Dance of the Dead (3/10)
104 - Dario Argento - Jennifer (9/10)
105 - Mick Garris - Chocolate (4/10)
106 - Joe Dante - Homecoming (6/10)
107 - John Landis - Deer Woman (6/10)
108 - John Carpenter - Cigarette Burns (9/10)
109 - William Malone - The Fair Haired Child (8/10)
110 - Lucky McKee - Sick Girl (8/10)
111 - Larry Cohen - Pick Me Up (6/10)
112 - John McNaughton - Haeckel's Tale (6/10)
113 - Takashi Miike - Imprint (8/10)
201 - Tobe Hooper - The Damned Thing (5/10)
202 - John Landis - Family (8/10)
203 - Ernest R. Dickerson - The V Word (5/10)
204 - Brad Anderson - Sounds Like (8/10)
205 - John Carpenter - Pro-life (6/10)
206 - Dario Argento - Pelts (9/10)
207 - Joe Dante - The Screwfly Solution (8/10)

The Woods (2006)

2006-11-22T20:20:00.000-05:00

There are some parallels to Suspira, mainly a female lead, faint whispering voices, and a vague mystery involving witches... but the similarities end there. The movie looks, feels, and progresses absolutely nothing like Suspiria. It's more comparable to "Mean Girls" or "Girl Interrupted" or "Lost & Delirious". Hell, there's a scene that is a direct rip from the movie "The Craft" involving the balancing of a pencil. Ripping off "The Craft", intentionally or otherwise, should be avoided. But that really sets the tone... there is nothing new here.

The movie is a period piece, taking place sometime in the early 60's, and for the most part McKee seems to have captured that feel with excellent sets, costumes, locations, and with the help of the supporting cast's performance, particularly the protagonist's parents, played by Bruce Campbell and Emma Campbell(relation?). Unfortunately the movie gains absolutely nothing by taking place in the 60's... so even though it was very well done in that respect, it was ultimately pointless.

The pacing is very slow for the first half, but then explodes into an effects and gore fest in the last 15 mins. It might have actually been satisfying had I enjoyed ANYTHING up to that point. The mythology behind the events and ceremonies was never really explained, you're never told exactly why the protagonist is special, and the movie ends leaving you feeling empty as though nothing has been resolved.

It's possible I'm missing something, that maybe this is the type of movie one has to watch twice "to get"... but it's also the type of movie that makes one not want to watch it more than once.

If May was an 8/10, Sick Girl a 9/10, then "The Woods" is a 6/10.

Slither (2006)

2006-11-11T21:26:00.000-05:00

I thought the movie was great fun. Don't get me wrong, it's nothing life changing or groundbreaking, but there were lots of nods to movies I already enjoy without being unoriginal. Most of all though, it was thoroughly entertaining.

Not technically a zombie movie per se... more like a "The Puppet Masters"/"The Faculty" alien invasion with a touch of "Night of the Creeps" slugs type deal. I recently recommended "Slither" and "Feast" as a killer gross-out double-feature for a bunch of friends. They were not disappointed.

Slither is a solid little popcorn sci-fi/horror movie. The thing I like about the movie is that it has lots of nods to other movies I already enjoy, without being completely unoriginal... so in that respect I think it was very well written. It's not something that has a lot of replay value for me though... having seen it a couple times in theaters and a couple times on DVD, I don't really have any desire to see again for quite a while. [9/10]

How They Getcha: Movie Trailers

2006-11-10T06:09:00.000-05:00

In a world where the medium is the message...

One man is sick to death of movie trailers. And that man is me. I'm not talking about 15-30 second teasers that might show one scene to get you interested, or simply state the title of the movie and a star or two (I’m fine with those), I'm talking about the 5 or so 2.5 minute 'coming attractions' that are played before movies in the theatre that spell out the plot and reveal not only way too much, but in some cases, the entire movie.

Let's ignore that trailers are called such, because they were supposed to be played after the feature. Let's ignore that the creative forces behind the film often have no control over the content of their movie's trailer (ad agencies usually are hired to create them). Let's also ignore that these 'outsourced' trailers often feature scenes and soundtrack music that are not in the final cut of the movie.

What gets me about movie trailers, is that more often than not, I'll watch a trailer and think "well, there's a movie I don't need to see, because goddamn, they just showed me the 3-Act audio-visual cliff note, complete with a climax and a twist." The most egregious offender in recent memory was the trailer for the remake of "When A Stranger Calls". Not that it spoiled the movie for me or anything, because 1)I didn't plan on seeing it anyways, and 2) I've seen the original already. I know I'm not in the target demographic for this movie, but based on the preview, I don't see how it could make anyone want to see it. Not only was the preview was a summary, but it didn't even make the movie look good. But I guess you can't blame the trailer for not making a crappy movie look good.

You can however blame a trailer that delibrately makes a crappy movie look good by making it look like a completely different movie. Movies that are being marketed to different demographics by way of pervasive advertising campaigns and slick trailers that completely misconstrue the stars, content, and in some cases, even the genre of the movie. Sometimes I think Hollywood should stop making movies and instead just make trailers.

A couple of extremely entertaining examples of why you should never trust movie trailers, or political ads, or anything you're fed by the media:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92yHyxeju1U
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2T5_0AGdFic
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGNs7QMeV7E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmkVWuP_sO0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMWpxTK7q2s&eurl=

Night of the Living Dead: Memeology of Zoombies

2006-11-08T06:26:00.000-05:00

Fast zombies are just scarier or more effective than slow zombies. Having fast zombies seems to be a trait that gives zombie movies an advantage. The way it looks is as though fast zombies (zoombies) like the type of the 2004 "Dawn of the Dead" remake, are fast becoming the new zombie archetype.

The evolution of ideas (memes), like biological evolution, is full of dead ends. Dead ends, although comparatively not successful, are often more interesting than the dominant form. The humping/birthing/mutating evil zombies of Braindead (1992) come to mind... they didn't really catch on, but they're still really fun to watch. Some dead-ends aren’t so fun to watch. George A. Romero has successfully evolved his pure awesome mindless flesh eating zombie archetype into sympathetic undead rebellious retards "looking for a place to go" (Land of the Dead 2005, WTF). Over the years, he has effectively killed off many of the elements that made his zombies interesting. "Dawn of the Dead (1978)" introduced the zombie virus, eliminating some of the mystery behind "how"... I suppose to most people a virus is almost as mysterious and magical as a curse, but viruses reflect the fears of modern culture more, and are thus the more effective idea. “Day of the Dead (1985)”, showed that the zombies weren't mindless shells as portrayed in the first two and could actually think and learn. Land of the Dead (2005) expanded upon this bad idea, and showed that Romero Zombies can feel emotions and care about their own kind... Land of the Dead (2005) was a completely uninteresting evolutionary "dead end".

The great thing about Zombie movies is that Zombies are ridiculous. They don't make sense. All known medical science shows that such things are impossible even on a small scale. There is no viable mechanism for dead matter to reanimate, let alone reanimate and crave flesh. That's part of what makes zombies scary... they don't make any fucking sense at all. You can't really wrap your mind around it because it is not logical! And you fear what you don't understand, and that is very powerful.

I've always seen the nonsensical core of what's happening as an integral part of what makes zombie movies scary. Zombies are an unknown: This aspect was elaborated upon extensively in “Night of the Living Dead (1968)”, and “Dawn of the Dead (1978)”. In the movies, numerous theories were put forth by both the scientific & religious communities, and ironically the only theory that ended up making sense, was the religious one:

Hell has overflowed with evil souls like a clogged toilet, and now the spiritual shit of the world is spilling over the rim and onto our fresh white linoleum world as we stand there innocent onlookers, frozen in terror.

If it helps, think of zombies as evil spirits, or ghosts, or demons, or instruments of god's divine rapture, or some other such device that is handy to believe, yet doesn't stand up to scrutiny. The bottom line is that it doesn't have to make sense. The movies are successful as stories because they start off with the premise that IT IS A FACT that the dead are for some reason or another returning to life and seeking human victims, and then goes from there. The point of the movies is not to figure out what makes a zombie tick, or why a zombie is a zombie; the point is to imagine what you would do if something as -impossible- as a zombie apocalypse were to happen. The premise of the Romero Zombie movie is that the impossible IS happening. The bulk of the entertainment comes from the drama and horror of people dealing with that fact.

Most people tend to think that the zombie movie phenomenon started with “Night of the Living Dead (1968)”, but George A. Romero, like Dan O'Bannon (“Return of the Living Dead (1985)”) and Alex Garland (“28 Days Later (2002)”), each drew their inspiration from pre-existing fiction. There were tons of zombies before Romero came along... A lot of the prototypical zombie movies are also regarded as classics... “White Zombie (1932)”, “Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)”, “I am Legend/Last man on earth (1964)”, and many more.

This is why I love the “Return of the Living Dead (1985)”. At a time when Romero was losing touch with what made his first two Zombie movies great, Dan O'Bannon was creating a movie that embraced everything great about Zombies. It's partially a parody of the zombie genre, and at the same time it's everything that makes zombie movies great... to the next level. It takes everything that is ridiculous about the classical Romero Zombie premise and exaggerates it: Dead human bodies aren't just reanimated... dead everything is. The Zombies aren't just shells of humanity with slight memory of what used to be, they are humanity with full memories of what it used to be alive... and they're jealous. The Zombies aren't driven to eat by a primal urge to feed... they're driven to eat by the fact that it hurts to be dead. And they don't just crave flesh... they prefer brains. Absolutely brilliant, scary, and incredibly entertaining.

A lot of people exclaim that "28 Days Later (2002)" isn't a "zombie movie". While I'll agree it’s not a typical zombie movie, but I will always point out that “28 Days Later (2002)” is as much a zombie movie as “Return of the Living Dead (1985)”, except where Return seeks to embrace and extend the illogical elements of "zombie", 28 Days seeks to remove and rectify them... or at least make the implausible elements make a little more sense. I enjoy both for almost completely opposite reasons, but neither is as great as “Night of the Living Dead (1968)”, the movie that brought the zombie idea to the masses. Classics are nothing but successful ideas. "Night of the Living Dead (1968)" is a classic because it is the archetypical zombie movie, just like Stoker's Dracula (1931)& Dracula (1992) is the archetype for vampires. But the zombie concept, like the vampire, or the werewolf, or any idea, is in constant evolution.

Some interesting lesser known zombie prototype evolutionary "dead ends":
Night of the Comet (1984)
Hard Rock Zombies (1985)
Night of the Creeps (1986)
Nudist Colony of the Dead (1991)
Delamorte Delamore (1994).

Tideland (2006)

2006-10-29T22:42:00.000-05:00

I doubt it will find it's audience theatrically. It's not for kids, it's got nothing for teens, and the vast majority of adults won't like it either. It's sort of like a fairy tale, but more like just seeing the world through the eyes of a child. The main character is put into quite a few potentially dangerous situations, that she might not necessarily see as dangerous as she investigates a world she is both exploring and creating at the same time. The movie sort of challenges you to forget the cautionary impulses and self preservatory things you've learned throughout your life, and if you're open to it enough, it to some degree enables you to once again see the world like a child would. The knowledge of the adult world is still there, so there's still adult fear and apprehension; disdain and disgust, present in certain situations, but it takes a back seat to the wonder and adventure. Similarly the movie also imbues an adult viewer with the childlike excitement and fear of otherwise ordinary, unexciting, mundane situations.

The story moves very slowly, and the little kid gets annoying at some points. But the movie is beautifully filmed and it's script is both a heart warming tale and a tragedy at the same time. Terry Gilliam's "Tideland" is more a "film" than a "movie"; it is more art than entertainment, so if you're not also entertained by art, then I'd say pass on this. (8/10)

Freddy Vs Jason: Pro-Life Vs Pro-Choice

2006-10-24T21:48:00.000-04:00

As much as it entertains me to play pedophile's advocate, it's been a while since I've seen any A Nightmare On Elm Street movies, and I'm pretty sure that none of them actually outright say that Freddy was a pedophile. In fact, while it might have been slightly alluded to in the original, the sexual predator angle was definitely heavily downplayed in the sequels.

Throughout the aNoES series, it was made abundantly clear that Freddy was a sadist and a serial killer who targeted children & teenagers. His whole modus operandi was that he enjoyed instilling fear and inflicting pain. I'm sure it was probably Wes Craven's original idea to have Freddy also be a child molester, but let's face it, he lost control of the Freddy character after the original and the character was expanded upon and changed, likely because even as villains, child molesters aren't very marketable.

I don't consider the books and various fan-fictions as canon, I only consider the content of the original and it's sequels... and as far as I can remember, in all 7 movies, Freddy Krueger only ever got his rocks off by torturing and killing. Hell, who knows, maybe that was the technicality that got him the mistrial that enraged the parents in the first place... maybe he didn't actually molest the children that he killed.

Jason, for all intents and purposes, is a child, or at least has the mind of a child... and in the Friday the 13th movies, his vendetta isn't against the children, but instead against the teenage camp counselors and adults that wronged him. So, while Freddy and Jason's victim pool overlap somewhat in the teenage realm, Freddy tends to exclude adults and Jason tends to exclude children. Thus, it can be said that Freddy is pro choice up until the 76th trimester and Jason is pro life and believes in a child's right to life, but only up until they are sexually mature... then those same kids are perfect candidates for his brand of execution.

So as far as picking a favorite goes, I think I'd have to go with Freddy as being the more consistent and thus my favorite villain. Freddy wisecracks while killing children of all ages; I like funny, and I don’t really care for children. Jason is a retarded mute, and loves children... until they grow pubic hair, then he hates them SOOOO DARN MUCH. Thus, therefore, in conclusion; Freddy wins because he has a stop motion skeleton.

Severance (2006)

2006-10-22T20:23:00.000-04:00

This was a quirky movie. The gore was excellent, and overall I found the movie very entertaining. There is a lesson in this movie, not unlike one of the themes of "Hostel". It has to do with the unthinking exploitation of poorer eastern European people; In "Hostel" it was exploitation by rich individuals seeking pleasure, in Severance, it is exploitation by multinational corporations seeking profit.

Severance isn't really a serious film, and in that sense the tone of the movie and some of the characters are reminiscent of "Cabin Fever". And like that movie, I can see a lot of people watching "Severance" and afterward saying "the comedy took away from the horror, the characters were dumb, this movie sucks". Some people just won't be amused by drug or titty jokes or complete randomness like a fat guy jumping on a creaky old diving board or a kid yelling pancakes while doing flips. Some people, on the other hand, find that shit hilarious. The bottom line is that if you go into this movie knowing it is not going to be a completely serious movie, I cannot see how it will disappoint.

Yes, you read right, I just compared this to two Eli Roth movies. That being said, "Severance" is not as scary a movie as Christopher Smith's previous effort "Creep", but overall it is just about as entertaining. [8/10]

The Fly II: Animal Empathy

2006-09-19T03:03:00.000-04:00

There's a scene in the movie "The Fly II (1989)" involving the mutilation of a beautiful friendly Golden Retriever. The scene was the only part of an otherwise brutal movie that really bugged me as a kid, and to this day, still does, even though it's compltely ridiculous. It's a very memorable scene, if only for the reason that it is designed to "tug at the heartstrings".

Whenever I'm watching TV and those commercials come on for starving 3rd world children, and they show them in all their illiterate, bony-faced, bloated-belly, naked, infested, glory, I think to myself, "that's an ugly fucking kid". They don't make me sad, and they don't disgust me. They are just part of the regularly scheduled broadcast day. However mechanical and unempathetic I may be coming off right now, I assure you, I do feel things. The saddest thing I've ever seen, heard, and remember feeling, was not the Twin Towers coming down, or the bombing of innocent civillians in afghanistan, it was that commercial with the dog tied up in the back yard. I know I can't be the only one who remembers it:

The setting I think was an overcast fall Sunday. As the camera slowly zooms in on a anxious looking German Shepard tied by a three foot rope to a tree, you can faintly hear a family conversing, having fun, doing family stuff, mixed with the cheers and roars of a football game. As the camera zooms closer to the dog, you hear the voice of little Billy ask something along the lines of "Say dad, whatever happened to that cute little puppy you had?" to which the father replies "Well son, that puppy is all grown up, he stays outside now." As the scene fades to black, the dog, while still wagging it's tail, whimpers and tilts it's head. The voice of Bob barker or somebody takes over and gives a short speech about animals having feelings too or something. This commercial makes me feel sadness.

The aformentioned scene in "The Fly II (1989)" (which I don't remember being all that bad a movie) also makes me feel sadness. But I don't think it's that I'm particularly empathetic to the plight of animals... god knows I love a good steak... it's just that I'm desensitized to violence against humans. Maybe how we feel when we see an animal abused is how we should feel when we see a human abused. Maybe we're all terrible terrible people, and that's why we want to see each other disembowled, slashed, chainsawed, and decapitated, over and over and over again. Food for thought.

This post make anyone else hungry? Ima go BBQ some meat.

The Good Son (1993)

2006-09-12T21:09:00.000-04:00

The Good Son is Macaulay Culkin's best performance and best movie. It is an Excellent thriller. It's one of the best examinations of a sociopath I've ever seen. The fact that the psycho is a kid in a perfectly normal family is totally awesome and well executed. For me, this movie is up there with American Psycho. [9/10]

Feast (2005)

2006-08-27T21:41:00.000-04:00

In a word, this movie was "refreshing". I'm kinda jaded, since as soon as they pulled the "turn the hero cliche on it's head" ala Deep Blue Sea, I basically called every "unpredictable" element after that. Even still, this movie was the most entertaining movie I've seen in recent memory. It's pacing rivals that of "Crank"... it is nonstop action from start to finish. And in terms of plot, acting, characters, and overall fun factor, it is leagues ahead of the Jeepers Creepers and Saws that somehow manage to get theatrical releases.

The gore effects and creature designs were fantastic. FANTASTIC. This movie has buckets of blood and some very ingenious and hilarious kills. At parts this movie reminded me of Evil Aliens, but never once did it's humor get annoying like it did in Evil Aliens. Sure there was gag comedy like the creatures humping various orifices and people getting repeatedly slimed, but most of the humor was showcased as dark comedy, as opposed to jokes for the sake of comedy.

I was trying to figure out who the bartender was, and at first I thought it was Paul Gleason from "Breakfast Club", but I realized he looked way older than he did in "Abominable"(another great creature flick)... then I realized it was good 'ol Clu Gulager, Burt of "Return of the Living Dead" fame. Nice to see he's still alive and staring in decent movies.

It kinda bugged me that there were a few things left unanswered, namely the origin of the creatures, why they hump every thing's faces, and just what the fuck was crawling around underneath beerguy's skin... But I suppose those elements can be elaborated on in a sequel. The "life expectancies" freeze frames had an air of self-aware/self-referential comedy to it, and I've never really been a fan of that in any movie... but in this movie it was acceptable, as it set the tone for the movie, and saved a lot of time introducing throwaway characters. The only thing I genuinely did not like about the movie was the awkward ending. But, I suppose it's hard to satisfyingly end a movie that is essentially one big long climax.

Feast is a very refreshing fast paced creature movie that pisses in the face of cliche, but suffers from somewhat of a lackluster ending. (8/10)

Toolbox Murders (2006)

2006-08-21T21:05:00.000-04:00

Supernatural slashers are difficult to execute with serious results. I didn't care for the story at all... but the movie had a nice look and feel to it. Very dingy and yellow. Captured the decay of hollywood and all that. I tried to like this film, but overall it didn't add up to me. It's got pretty good performances from all of it's actors and individually, some of the scenes are pretty inventive/interesting... the room full of corpses was a high point for me. But overall the movie is just blah. I went into it expecting nothing, and I was still underwhelmed. [6/10]

Jason X (2001)

2006-06-25T20:50:00.000-04:00

Jason X is the pinnacle of that series. It's may not be the superior film, but it's definitely superior entertainment than Freddy Versus Jason. Jason X is too ridiculous to not like. Same reasons I like parts 9 and 8 and 7 and 6... each sequel is more ridiculous than the last when compared to everything that came before it in the series. The trend in the series is that that each sequel gets slightly more retarded and fantastic than the one that preceded it. Honestly, the moment Jason was resurrected by that bolt of lightning in part 6 was the moment the franchise was fubar'd, or immortalized, depending on your preferences. If you can accept spirit Jason(9) over zombie Jason(6-8) over impostor Jason(5) over retard Jason(2-4) over Jason's mommy(1), then why can't you accept cyborg Jason(x) over spirit Jason(9)? Jason X took the ridiculousness of parts 6-9 to the next level, and was a very entertaining movie. If after seeing part 8 in the series, you still expect serious movies out of franchise horror... then I feel sorry for you.

I cannot fathom anyone who's seen every movie in the Friday the 13th series, walking out on Jason X. You walk out on a movie, and your opinion on it is rendered worthless. Jason takes out a fucking space station populated by hundreds if not thousands of people for christ sakes! I liked the bad puns and one liners contained in Jason X. I don't care if the writers feel they loosed an atrocity upon the world and regret their work(i read an interview somewhere that said they were "sorry"). Regardless, I thank them for it. At least they skipped the self referential "let's make a movie about the movie, movie", whereby while filming the 23rd sequel in the series, on location at camp crystal lake/forest green, a Hollywood film crew uncovers the terrifying reality behind the legend of Jason Voorhees. The movie could tell us the what happened to that film crew by the found footage of the missing secondary unit crew who was filming the "making of" dvd extra. They could call it the Jason Voorhees Project.

The Lake House

2006-06-18T20:13:00.000-04:00

This movie is one of the most Horrifying things I've endured in a long time. The retarded way the movie presents the letters as an ongoing dialog is one hundred percent absolutely fucking retarded.

Man... if I had a time traveling mailbox and a correspondent on the other end, the things I would do would change the world forever. But no, this movie features two of the most self absorbed retarded humans that have ever been conceived of, let alone committed to film.

Retarded time traveling mailbox aside, suspension of disbelief goes right out the fucking window when you present two retarded main characters that have absolutely no imagination whatsoever, and don't even for a second consider using the mailbox to benefit the world, or even benefit anything at all other than their apparent insatiable desire for retarded erotic poetry.

Fuck this retarded movie, it is a terrible piece of retarded shit. Your girlfriend will love it... if she's a retard.

Brick (2005)

2006-06-06T07:06:00.000-04:00

[9/10]. I think I would have rated this movie a 10... but I think it struck me as a bit too flashback heavy, and I wasn't a fan of the "brain" character. Other than that, I loved this movie. The plot is a totally "adult" even though all of the story's characters are kids. That and the anachronistic(almost foreign) dialog makes it a very fucking memorable. It was tough to get into at first... going into it blindly and not knowing what to expect and not being a very big fan of American detective stories... but after the first half hour I realized I was basically watching a detective story something along the lines of a high school version of "Get Carter". Brick has the type of script you can just tell someone spent like ten fucking years revising. I am glad that the writer/director Rian Johnson seems to be getting some hollywood opportunities. His next movie essentially has an all star cast. I can only hope it's as well written as Brick: The Brothers Bloom

Hellraisers

2006-06-05T20:55:00.000-04:00

I - Hellraiser is an excellent horror story. (9/10)
II - Hellbound is surreal as fuck expansion of the mythology, & characters, & is a good sequel. (9/10)
III - Hell on Earth is great expansion of the Pinhead character, lots of blood & one liners. (8/10)
IV - Bloodlines goes too far with the mythology, basically wrecking the legend, but it was still entertaining. (6/10)
V - Inferno had a good style, and an interesting story, but wasn't a hellraiser until the last 5 minutes.(3/10)
VI - Hellseeker was an interesting sequel to Hellbound, suffered from a bad ending. (5/10)
VII - Deader might have been a decent little horror flick, if they didn't try to make it a Hellraiser. (4/10)
VIII - I'm almost certain Doug Bradley only delivered lines from the other movies. Deus ex machinae hallucination. Worst. Hellraiser. Ever. (1/10)

Exorcist Part 3

2006-06-02T20:33:00.000-04:00

This is my favorite Exorcist movie, by far. It's also a truly great sequel, which is rare. The movie bases itself on the source material, yet it's original, and it's ties to the original movie aren't so deep that it can't stand on it's own.

The acting in the movie was amazing. George C Scott and Brad Dourif are pure genius casting decisions. The part with the posessed nurse attacking Julie with the bone cutters at the detective's house was fucking amazing. "Catatonics are sooooo easy." That entire sequence gave me chills and, had me on the edge of my seat. I think part of what made it so creepy was it was filmed in reverse motion. There's also tons of other scenes like that in the movie that just get you for one reason or another. It's the only movie I can think of that successfully melds supernatural & slasher elements. It's a really good whodunit, with an exorcism thrown in for good measure. I'm trying to think of other ways to describe this movie, and I can't. It just has to be experienced. I remember after seeing it again about 5 years ago, I was very surprised that this movie came out of America in the 90's.

The popularity of a movie shouldn't affect it's rating, it's the other way around. If you go by the 5.6 rating on IMDb, and note the original Exorcist's solid 8.0 rating, then I suppose it is underrated. But if you look deeper into that score, you'd realize that pretty much everyone there who cares to write a review about it rates it an 8 or higher, which would indicate it's not underrated, just overlooked. Personally, if the original Exorcist is an 8/10, then I'd say Exorcist III is 9/10.

Hard Rock Zombies

2006-05-29T21:29:00.000-04:00

This movie has not only zombies, but werewolves, hitler, and midgets, as well as zombie incarnations of each... not to mention, pedophillia, necrophillia, incest, one eye'd zombie nazi midgets, mutants, zombie mutants, zombie mutants eating themselves with MUSTARD, the best love song ever written, interpretive dance, interpretive zombie dance, zombie montage, murder by weed wacker, people mimicking zombie movements as a survival technique(predating shaun of the dead by almost 20 years), this is the movie to end all movies. JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST, see it. You won't regret it.

Art School Confidential (2006)

2006-05-12T14:04:00.000-04:00

The art school caricatures were funny, but caricatures alone don't make an entertaining movie. The trailer was a lot more entertaining. This movie had potential, but overall it sucked balls. If they had stuck to playing it as a straight comedy, it might have been good, but the poorly done "dramatic" elements lamed it up. The movie makes practically no use of Malkovich, and there's absolutely no reason for Anjelica Houston or Steve Buscemi to be in it at all, aside from lending their indie star credibility to an otherwise crap movie.

Unlike Crumb, Ghost World, or Bad Santa, this movie is utterly forgettable. [6/10]

Armageddon & Revenge of the Nerds

2006-05-10T21:38:00.000-04:00

Armageddon is an uninspired pile of Hollywood crap. It gets by with lame pseudo drama using characters that are hardly developed, and barely manages to remain entertaining with it's action scenes. Given 1/10th resources that Armageddon had, I could have made a film that was 10 times more entertaining. Christ, even Steve Buscemi seems to have phoned in his performance. The only character I liked in the movie was the Russian, they could have made a movie with just him floating around 'fixing things' and muttering to himself on Mir, and it would have been better. Revenge of the Nerds, while admittedly employing a juvenile brand of comedy, has an entire cast of characters that are unique and it fully uses them and their development to tell a compelling story.

Both movies cater to vastly different tastes, so it's hard to compare them directly, instead I judge them based on their contemporaries. R.O.T.N is top tier 80's college comedy, Armageddon is bottom of the barrel 90's action/drama anyway you look at it. I don't really like either movie, but if I had to watch one over the other again, i'd definitely go with the Nerds.

The Blair Witch Project

2006-05-05T21:15:00.000-04:00

I saw the movie on it's opening day and once on DVD. I liked it. It was a decent movie going experience that was really different from anything I've ever experienced in a movie theater. I really liked that it never showed you "the witch", and I was impressed with the ending, which is very rare. What I didn't like about the movie were the viral marketing/TV spots that aired and the distractingly horrible "acting" of the Mike "character".

I give credit to BWP for making excellent use of very limited resources, and telling a horror story in a way that hadn't been attempted before. It's an excellent example of what can be done with film. I appreciated that a movie like this could actually make it to theaters.

The second time I watched it, it didn't have nearly the same impact (obviously) and I only noticed things that lowered my opinion of it to the point where I now consider Blair Witch 2 a far less innovative, but equally entertaining film.

After seeing BWP, I don't have the desire to see it (or another movie like it) ever again, but based on the unique innovation in story telling it provides, I would advise that anyone see it once (and only once). [6/10]

Mulholland Drive

2006-04-06T20:59:00.000-04:00

You can theorize all day about this movie, every explanation I've ever heard has been just as good as the next... does that make it meaningless? Probably not. But you're never gonna get a straight answer out of Lynch. That guy is insane. But he's also a genius. The movie if pondered long enough does seem pointlessly surreal, but then if you ponder it a little longer, you get a flash of meaning that you might not have noticed before.

It's like me saying "Tom cruise is the perpendicular Jim Carey". At first just seems like nonsense... but read it enough times, and it starts to make sense for some reason, but don't concentrate on it too long, otherwise you'll lose it, if you do, don't worry, because it's bound to make sense again tomorrow, maybe.

"lynch is overrated. his movies try to be artsy, but they suck."

The word you're looking for is "pretentious". And, if you've ever seen an interview with the guy, you'd realize that's not the case. He's bat-shit insane. His movies don't try to be art, they ARE art. All movies are to some degree. It just so happens that his art borders more on the pure art side than the entertainment side. Considering the amount of discussion his art generates, and that people often confuse it for pure entertainment, I think he pulls it off very well. Your opinion may be that you don't like and aren't entertained his movies, but they most definitely do not suck by any reasonable definition of the word. David Lynch is an auteur extraordinare.

Suspira

2006-02-19T20:25:00.000-05:00

I appreciate Suspiria as a technical and artistic achievement, with it's excellent direction, awesome score, and surreal visuals, but with respect to plot and character, it's totally lacking. the supernatural and Giallo aspects totally don't jive at all in this movie. The characters are too weak and the "mystery" is lame, like in a kid's story... only this movie isn't for kids. In my opinion Suspiria is definitely good, but not great. I'm aware Argento wanted to make it disney-ish & dream-like, and has a liking for Snow White type protagonists, but someone should have told him that fairy tales don't have to be retarded.

Phenomena/Creepers is a more entertaining movie for me than Suspiria. It's not as visually inventive, and the score isn't quite as good(less environmental progrock more mid-eighties-metal), but it works. I like Phenomena because it pulls off the surreal wicked fairytale theme a lot better than Suspiria. The acting is probably just as bad overall, but in Phenomena you get good performances where it counts, Jennifer Connolly and Donald Pleasance. And the mystery is actually interesting. Bottom line, Phenomena has copious amounts style as well as substance, and is far more entertaining as a result.

I've recently re-watched Suspiria, probably for the last time.

The acting wasn't as bad as I remembered it, but the characters have no depth and barely interact with each other. You don't really learn much about them aside from their names. The plot is just plain bad. The death scenes were all pretty laughable, and the gore effects were lackluster.

The sets and locations; rooms, hallways, and general architecture in the movie, are incredibly impressive, and the way they're filmed with the drastic use of color casts do add a certain sense of dread as well as a feeling of surreality, but hallways, drapes, and colors aren't themselves particularly visceral or horrific to me.

The only scene I actually really admired was the blind man alone in the town square. It made me realize how empty the world might feel at night when you're blind, and with it came the terror of knowing that there was something out there. It really built tension, starting with long shots showing the entire courtyard, then quicker and quicker successive closeup cuts of various parts of the buildings, the pounding music, drives your pulse as you watch, reaches a peak, then slowly drops off, lulling you, allowing you to let your guard down, then finally getting you with a kill from where you least expect it.

The music in Suspiria is perfect. Without the Goblin score, I probably wouldn't like this movie at all. My only complaint is that too often, it's the only sound you hear at all, and that distracts from the creepiness of skulking around a dimly lit hallway or walking through an empty town square, but overall, the loudness of the music just works.

The bat scene, the maggots, and the razor wire scene were absolutely hilarious and retarded. I did however really like the throat slitting and zoom to fade on the eyeball as a scene transition.

There were a few other shots I liked, specifically the one of the approaching car from the forest through rain & trees, the one of the reflection of the building face in the puddle which the girl then runs though, the scene where the camera angle drops back behind a light bulb, and the shots from the rooftops of buildings. Unfortunately, architecture, magnificent set design, and intuitive camera work don't make a complete movie experience for me.

So, to summarize, Suspiria is artistically impressive, but I don't find it particularly entertaining: it's hybrid Giallo/slasher and supernatural theme just doesn't work with a story containing such weak characters and plot, and that's why it strikes me as seriously overrated among horror aficionados, and is in my opinion more than a few steps away from being a great horror movie. (6/10)

House of the Dead 2

2006-02-11T21:13:00.000-05:00

Watched House of the Dead 2 tonight with a group of friends, and we had a great time. The movie was how I thought Resident Evil should have been, but with a campy feel. It was really good, all things considered.

I'm not sure why people are saying the writing sucked. It had an original story, related to the first movie, but not relying on it. Yes there were characters with really lame lines, but they were written to be lame characters. There was some pretty clever/funny stuff in there. For instance, the outbreak being responded to "29 days later", and the chain of command in government topping out at vice president, and countless other little jokes like that. The story also added quite a bit to what would have been typical zombie fare: The concept of a zero gen zombie, and a possible vaccine was interesting, also the "mutations" were cool too.

The "special effect" of the building burning at the end was so bad it made me spill my pop. The makeup and gore effects on the other hand, were INCREDIBLY AMAZING for a big budget movie, let alone a Sci-Fi channel movie. And I really liked the ending.

In my opinion, if the first House of the Dead is 1/10, and the first Resident Evil is 6/10, then House of the Dead 2 is 8/10.

The Stuff

2006-01-29T21:03:00.000-05:00

It was primarily a comedy, so it was supposed to be funny, and the overall concept is pretty horrific if you care to think about it... do you really know what you're eating these days? Are you eating it, or is it eating you? It was a pretty good take on consumer culture... maybe even a bit ahead of it's time.

Walk the Line

2006-01-21T21:07:00.000-05:00

"Walk the Line" was a complete rip off of that movie "Ray". Both had characters overcoming poverty and the death of a brother, drug addiction, infidelity, and dealing with the rise to stardom. Only "Ray" was better because the main character was not only black, but also blind, had deal with the trials and tribulations both of those disabilities brought. The only way they could have hoped to compete with "Walk the Line" was to make the main character an albino midget amputee... but even then, it still wouldn't have been original.

Yes, I realize these movies are bio-pics... my point is they are all fundamentally the same... and thus bore me.

I love Critters

2006-01-15T21:04:00.000-05:00

Critters are a space faring race, highly intelligent, incredibly hungry. I think pg-13 gremlins are the ideal food source for r-rated critters. the critters' appetite is supposedly unlimited, and the gremlins multiply with a single drop of water, that seems like a perfect match. However, if they somehow were to mate, or be genetically engineered in a lab, it could be the end of the world as we know it. I would totally support a versus movie of critters and gremlins.

I like the Critters movies a lot better than Gremlins. The Critters series is good fun and it doesn't hold anything back... one of the many benefits of being low budget, rated R, and made in the 80's. I love the fact that the series portrays the critters as monsters, but their subtitles give you insight into their motives. If you didn't have the subtitles, you'd have a pretty standard 50's reminiscent sci-fi creature feature... but you add these subtitles, and you end up with pure hilarity. Juvenile humor, sure, but it is a kids movie. I loved it when I was 8, and I still love it.

Masters of Horror: Lucky McKee's Sick Girl

2006-01-14T20:57:00.000-05:00

Angela Bettis' voice in this episode totally cracks me up. Overall, a convincing performance of another oddball character. Misty fucking Mundae! I almost didn't recognize her onaccounta the production values and the fact she was acting pretty damn good. She totally goes the full range with this character... all the way from "willowy" to "tourettes". I was seriously surprised and impressed.

The creature effects were kinda cheesy, but I get the feeling that was what they were going for. The part with the bug on the pillow kinda reminded me of Brain Damage.

Sick Girl was another wacky episode in the vein of Homecoming & Deer Woman; however, this installment works better as a horror-comedy than those two episodes. The episode is notably light on both the comedy and the horror, but I think it pulled it off a lot better than the "beat you over the head satire comedy" of Homecoming, or the deadpan comedy in Deer Woman. Unlike those 2 episodes, Sick Girl finds a good balance between it's puns & sight gags and it's shlock horror. Plus, it's got lesbians. [8/10]

Uwe Boll

2006-01-10T21:36:00.000-05:00

I'm convinced that Dr. Uwe Boll is a comedian.
His movies are so notoriously bad, that I HAVE to see them just to see if he's outdone himself.
House of the Dead: 1/10
Alone in the Dark: 1/10
Bloodrayne:2/10

Hostel

2006-01-10T20:35:00.000-05:00

Hostel is a good solid horror movie with great characters & an original plot. Roth's ability to write character driven humor really shines through in the first part of the movie which is basically filled with jokes, partying, drinking, tits, ass, sex, and drugs. The second part of the movie is a showcase of his ability to convey a sense of dread and horror of being in a situation you have no control over. The third part is a beautiful escape & revenge sequence, capped off with a very satisfying ending.

Like most wide-release horror movies, I suspect a lot of things were cut out of this film. Takashi Miike's cameo was good clean fun, but, from the things I read in Rue Morgue, I got the distinct impression that it would include an action scene, which it didn't. Don't get me wrong, the movie is filled with gore, but the torture scenes are definitely lacking. I suspect the reason was to avoid the NC17 rating in order to make the movie more marketable.

Unlike most wide-release horror movies, the plot was in constant development. Things were always progressing, new facts are slowly revealed, and the story unfolds as you get a bigger picture of exactly what is going on. You start out thinking this might be a movie like SAW with a psycho capturing people and torturing them to teach them lessons, but Roth is just setting us up for something far more sinister.

I thought that the Russian dubbed pulp fiction was a neat little nod. The better part was later on though, when there was something different on the TV(butch cassidy and the sundance kid?) dubbed in Russian, and Paxton comments something to the effect of 'how the fuck do they expect us to understand what's going on without subtitles?', and later we're presented with the scene where Pax himself is speaking German, there are no subtitles, yet we know EXACTLY what he's saying. It's ironic and awesome. I guess it just really got me because I watch a lot of jap/chinese/thai/korean movies with either bad fansubs or no subs at all, and the movies are still compelling & entertaining. Movies done right lose surprisingly little when you take away full comprehension of the language/dialog, I can even think of a few that gain from it. There are tons of little things like that I love about Hostel.

Hostel & Cabin Fever are interesting, innovative, & entertaining horror movies. In my books Eli Roth is 2 for 2. Even though there are -A LOT- of parallels between the two movies, Hostel stands by far as the more serious film, and as such it just works better as horror than Cabin Fever. The movie wasn't horrifying in a "makes you jump" sort of way, it didn't have to go for cheap scares because it's story was genuinely horrific. The mere idea that places like the Hostel in the movie probably actually exists in real life is enough to make me not want to travel far from home ever again.

The first half was critical in showing that the young college guys frequenting whorehouses were parallel to the old business men in the second half of the movie. Oli was equivalent to the scary dude on the train, fully embracing his perversions of lifestyle. Josh was the jittery torturer who is reluctant, yet goes though with it anyways. Paxton was somewhere in between the two, but definitely a jerk in the first half. You weren't supposed to like the characters at that point.

Obviously it depends on the movie, but Hostel is one of those movies where the sex and violence are not only complimentary to each other, but are essential to the story. Objecting to sex while expecting violence is such a typically american attitude; totally hypocritical. Saying Hostel is a bad film because of all the pointless nudity is just as stupid as saying Hostel is an excellent film because of all the "pointless" nudity... If you don't think enough to realize the nudity wasn't entirely pointless, then any opinion based on that fallacy is a wrong opinion.

Sex and violence are abused in not just the movies, but all story telling mediums throughout history to get the crowds attention. This is so because the crowd loves sex and violence, even if individually they're offended or embarrassed by it, or think nothing of it, the desire is still there. It's in our nature. The "male sexual attitude" is the embodiment of the human desire for both sex and violence. Roth's movie is a commentary on the horrors that the evolution (or downward spiral) that constant self gratification of those desires brings.

Someone just sent me a clip of a woman stomping on a dude's nutsack with stilettos. At what point does sex become violence? For me, it's somewhere between slapping an ass and punching a tit, but I can totally understand how cooking custard in an asian girl's eyesocket might get some people off. It may not be my particular cup of tea, but I can appreciate that it's someones. I'm not sure what that has to do with anything, I just thought I'd share.

Hostel is a solid effort... a much better film than the thematically empty torture porn that is SAW. Hostel ranks with me as a highly reccomended [8/10].

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

2005-12-29T21:21:00.000-05:00

Texas Chainsaw remake was abominable. It was all downhill after the first scene. [4/10]

Wolf Creek

2005-12-26T21:15:00.000-05:00

The first half of wolf creek is slow, but there's plenty of character development in the first half, you learn lots of things about Liz, Christie, & Ben: the two girls are on vacation from the UK, Ben is a native whom they've befriended onaccount of their common interests in partying, and the Wolf Creek crater. There's some chemistry between Liz & Ben, but really that's unimportant. You don't learn everything about the characters, but you learn enough. The scenes by the ocean, under the stars, on the edge of the crater all establish that these are normal people who love and enjoy their lives. But the first half isn't JUST about character development. It's also to create a drastic contrast with the second half so that it has more impact. You're right though, it's not a very violent movie compared to some, but that's because it doesn't have to be.

I've imagined this movie with a typical cliche slasher establishing opener (something along the lines of the opening of wrong turn): An unknown dark figure brutally chases down a couple of backpackers, frantically running through the brush in the outback lit by a full yellow moon, scene ending with the blood curdling death scream of a female victim... then while opening credits role, a series of shots of vague newspaper headlines of missing persons in the outback backed by a sinister pulse pounding techno beat, eventually fading to where the movie actually begins: our main characters partying.

But this scenario/formula doesn't work with this movie because it WOULD make the next 45 minutes of the story seem boring by comparison and the second half would have less of an impact.

I liked how Wolf Creek let you get to know the characters first before it started killing them off, and it didn't feel the need to kill them off in overly elaborate ways. The people who you watch get murdered actually have personalities and distinctive character. The killer is also has a personality, and isn't supernatural, some part of an evil family, a psychotic mental patient, a disfigured mad man, or an inbred cannibal.

Don't get me wrong, I like movies like Wrong Turn, House of Wax, and Haute Tension; the villains in each of these movies are rewarding in their own ways, and everyone loves a good entertaining overly elaborate kill, but the villains and situations in those movies border on the fantastical.

The setup situation and the way the killer takes his victims in Wolf Creek just seems more plausible and real, like they exist in our reality and what's happening to the characters might someday happen to you. This adds to the element of fear and elevates the movie's entertainment value in my opinion.

Make no mistake, I dont think Wolf Creek is perfect; like many of it's contemporaries, the characters make some pretty stupid decisions, and the movie suffers from it. Overall, it's not a great movie, but it's definitely good.

Wolf Creek had a nice bright shininess to it that abruptly turns dark & gritty right in the middle. I don't care what anyone says about the first 45 minutes. I loved that transition, and the buildup to it was absolutely needed to let you get to know and identify with the characters. The abrupt transition divides the movie perfectly into distinctly opposing halves.

There was one brutal moment that you just don't see coming, and it works so well. I actually found myself saying "oh, shit" out loud. It's a great scene, unexpected, evil, bloody, disgusting, and merciless.

My only real fault with the movie is the writing; most prominently the bad decisions the characters make. There were a couple points in this movie where you're watching the decisions the characters are making(or not making) and you're screaming in your head for them to not be so fucking stupid. It makes me lose the emotional investment in them that the first half of the movie works so hard to build. I end up finding myself thinking that they deserve everything that they have coming to them. It's not a perfect movie; it's no TCM, even though a lot of people seem to want to make that comparison. I have no desire to see it again anytime soon, but I do consider it a good movie and would definitely recommend it to friends. As the movie stands, if you have the ability to focus on something for more than half an hour, can forgive the 2 glaring BAD decisions made by the main characters, and allow yourself to get into the groove and actually immerse yourself in the movie, then it works. If you don't have that ability then I can see how something formulaic like Wrong Turn may appeal to you more, but that doesn't make Wolf Creek a bad movie, just a different one. You don't want all movies to be the same do you? [8/10]

Black Christmas (1975)

2005-12-25T21:34:00.000-05:00

SPOILERS:
The first person sequences of this movie really did it for me, even though Halloween was a lot more consistent with it's use, the way it was done in Black Christmas was a lot more creepy.

Halloween on the other hand, had much better acting and characters. With the exception of Margot Kidder's character, the characters in Black Christmas were either boring or annoying. Especially Mrs. MacHenry the boozehound; even though I'm aware she was supposed to be comedic relief, I just couldn't wait for her to be killed.

I liked BLACK CHRISTMAS because of the fact that you don't really know the motivation for Billy other than he kills because he's fucking bat-shit insane. That to me is a hell of a lot better of an explanation than you get for Michael Myers in Halloween. The Myers character was so weak they had to make him supernatural in the sequels. Billy is just a retarded dude who's got something against women.

Not only do you not know the Killer's motivation, but Black Christmas actually manages to keep you guessing as to who the killer is. It's a lot more mysterious than Halloween in that sense. Is it the first chick's dad? Is it a boyfriend of one of the girls? Is it the cop with the low I.Q? It's a mystery!

The cops stop searching the house because they believe they've already found the killer, dead, killed by his girlfriend who is now traumatized and drugged... a further search hardly seems necessary. This leads up to one of the more satisfying endings of any slasher I've ever seen. 9/10

Battle Royale 2

2005-11-22T21:29:00.000-05:00

I had to keep slapping myself to stay awake.
They should have never made a sequel.

Jeepers Creepers

2005-11-01T21:11:00.000-05:00

Oh god. Where to start. I am probably in a minority of not liking this movie, which I'll admit is odd considering I'm a huge Monster Movie fan. Lets get this out of the way though: I don't think it's a bad film. I think it's mediocre(6/10). I take issue with Clive Barker saying 'it was the most stylish and scary horror film in years', because I used to put a lot of stock in what he says, and at the time, there were many more movies that were far more deserving of that praise. Onto the content of the movie itself: I actually really liked where they were going with mythology of "the creeper". Even though it is filled with cliches, the first half of the movie was beautifully filmed, had great acting, great sets, and was genuinely creepy. The movie takes great pains to build tension and slowly reveal it's villain for the first half, but then abruptly turns into The Terminator.

EVERYTHING after the diner scene makes me want to decapitate everyone involved in making this movie. It's like they consciously made the decision upon revealing the killer as supernatural, to just throw out all conventions established in the first half of the film. And it's a fucking waste, and the movie suffered terribly as a result. It's like the movie is a mishmash of two completely different scripts. I can tollerate when bad actors are given bad lines, but it's detrimental to an otherwise alright film when good actors are given bad lines. The acting of the 2 main characters was good enough, but their retarded dialogue ruined any immersion their acting provided... I'd quote specific lines, but its been a long time since I've seen it.

There are many other reasons I don't like this movie, but to go into detail about them so long after seeing it, I'd have to watch it again, and I'm 100% sure that I'd only like it less than I already do. On top of all that, the title of the movie is itself a spoiler for the movie to anyone with half a brain. No one I know can give me a valid reason why they think this film is good.

SAW II

2005-11-01T21:06:00.000-05:00

I thought the first SAW movie had some good things about it, I attributed a lot of the bad things to the director not having full control of the production. I figured since SAW did so well, he would have more control over the second movie and actually produce something that I would consider decent. So I gave SAW II a chance. I was wrong.

Ravenous

2005-10-22T21:10:00.000-04:00

"HE WAS LICKING MEEEEE!"

Ravenous is one of my favorites. it's got an awesome cast and great performances. Excellent development of the hero as well as the villain and the tie that bind them. Courage/cowardice, and a little touch of the wendigo. Best movie on the subject, by far. An excellent portrayal of the era too. [9/10]

Return of the Living Dead 4: Necropolis

2005-10-16T21:12:00.000-04:00

Aside from the fact they included "245-trioxin", Necropolis was NOT a return of the living dead movie. Case in point: THE ZOMBIES DIE IF YOU SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD! Way to lose one of the most interesting parts about the series. And I thought part 2 was bad... Makes me wonder if the filmmakers even watched the first 3 movies! Dare I say that this movie was WORSE than HOUSE OF THE DEAD. Unwatchable. [1/10]

Session 9

2005-09-10T20:47:00.000-04:00

I've seen Session 9 twice, and I still don't like it. For one, I hate the "shot on digital" feel to the movie. Makes me feel like I'm watching bad Canadian television. I don't think the plot is half as clever as most people think, and it's not nearly an original concept. The acting, save for the main character, wasn't so great. The kills and gore are kinda lame too. The location was excellent, but it loses some of the creepiness because of the aforementioned "Canadian television" feel to the visual quality. About the only thing this movie pulls off decently would be the suspense factor, it's very Shyamalanian in that respect. I think Session 9 is a good effort, has excellent atmosphere and use of location, but doesn't really excel at anything else. [6/10]

The Funhouse (1981)

2005-08-02T20:44:00.000-04:00

Tobe Hooper has done some good things, and this is definitely not one of them. This movie is a horrible piece of crap. [1/10]

Land of the Dead

2005-06-25T21:32:00.000-04:00

There's just too many reasons to not like Land of the Dead. I personally think almost every movie that Romero's ever written on his own and directed ended up at worst, just plain sucking, or at best, not being quite as good as it could have been. The exception being Knight Riders, which was obviously just plain fun.

I'm probably going to be dismembered for suggesting such a thing, but Romero's only all around good movie featuring Zombies is "Night of the Living Dead". Sure "Dawn" and "Day" have their high points; they're excellently directed, and are top tier zombie movies, but as far as pure movie goodness goes, I'd say the quality halved with each sequel to Night.

Dawn is half the movie Night was. Day is quarter the movie Night was. "LAND" is 1/8th and so on, and I'm almost certain that any sequel to Night he makes in the future will follow this pattern. "Land of the Dead" was made to make money, hopefully that money will finance some good movies.

"Night of the Living Dead" has an awesome story, great characters/character development, pacing, intensity, and horror, whereas "Dawn" and "Day" have mediocre stories with really lame characters with almost no development. In "Land of the Dead" Romero crafted a bunch of characters that I not only didn't care about, but actually hated and wanted to die, then he put them into situations that were utterly uninteresting, and to top it all off, he goes and lets them all live. The exact opposite of Night.

If you're rating your movies by gore or pure zombi-osity, then I'd agree. But overall, "Night of the Living Dead" is by far a better film than any of it's sequels. Almost any movie Romero directs but doesn't write is a better movie than Day and "Dawn", and especially "Land."

Maybe the problem is that Romero is too attached to the stories as he's written them, and that in turn compromises his ability to craft them into something that makes a good movie (or in the case of "Land of the Dead", something that's even watchable).

To summarize, I think Romero is an excellent director, but a poor writer/story teller. I'm not suggesting that he stick to adapting Stephen King or anything (even though that seems to be his strength), just that he let other people write the stories, focus on his directing, and last but not least, let the living dead series die.

Thus; therefore; in conclusion: I'll agree, Swimfan was a better movie than Land of the Dead, but not quite as good as Fatal Attraction. Lick my plate you dog dick.